News of the Restless

Venezuelan inventors build bamboo quadcopter

Posted on February 9, 2016 by Sabina Becker

With an innovative concept aimed at protecting the environment, Grupo Da Vinci de Investigación y Desarrollo de Maxdrone Venezuela, a collective of Venezuelan inventors, has built a drone aircraft made of bamboo.

As part of the Ecodrone Project, they advanced in the category of lightweight and renewable materials. The device weighs 1.5 kilograms, as its fuselage and arms are made of pieces of bamboo.

“We want to popularize simple, artisanal, and low-cost construction, which can be done by teachers and students as a classroom project in high schools, meant to introduce them to responsible investigation, the search for positive applications for these technologies, and the development of abilities which will prepare our young people for a future which is already knocking at the door,” said the founder of Maxdrone Venezuela, José Alejandro Otero, in a press release.

The group has also created other prototypes, using recycled materials and reclaimed waste, such as cardboard and plastic bottles.

Translation mine.

Bamboo grows like a weed in Venezuela, so there’s definitely no shortage of materials. And since the opposition and its do-nothing mayors aren’t picking up the garbage in places like Miranda, well…looks like there’s no shortage of materials there, either.

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Posted in Cool Beans, Environmentally Ill, Heroes for Today, Huguito Chavecito, She Blinded Me With Science | Comments Off

German pastor: Give immigrants prostitutes, then they won’t rape

Posted on February 8, 2016 by Sabina Becker

ulrich-wagner

Pastor Ulrich Wagner. Photo: Robert Brouczek

Seriously, folks. You cannot make this shit up…although God knows I wish I had:

Q. Herr Wagner, you said during a debate on refugees in Siegertsbrunn, among other things, that asylum seekers should be offered the services of prostitutes. Were you serious?

A. The thought came as a friend told me that in his village, there would be 100 asylum seekers, and now many were afraid that so many men might harass the women there. Founded or not, I want to confront these fears this way. Because they exist.

Q. Do you think that’s the right way?

A. I definitely wouldn’t want a flat-rate bordello for asylum seekers, but it’s clear that these men have sexual needs. But there we close our eyes. No one thinks that far.

Q. We look away?

A. But the need is there. We have prostitution in our society, after all, that’s supposed to be a recognized profession, the newspapers and Internet are full of ads for it. But when it comes to asylum seekers, we give them food and drinks and say: The problem is solved. But it’s not.

Q. So, free sex sessions paid for with taxes?

A. My first thought isn’t even who pays for that. But there was once a Hartz IV recipient who tried to claim that his bordello visits should be paid for. He naturally had no success. But maybe there could be a support group. “Free Love For Free People”, it could be called.

Q. So you had a name for it already.

A. I’m not shy. Maybe a bordello owner will be ready to do a good work. There’s not much going on in the mornings, I’m guessing.

Q. You’re really not very shy.

A. Look, the mayor can’t address that, naturally, no politician can. Catholic priests can’t, either. Who else could say something like this, if not an evangelical pastor?

Q. But you’re the only one up to now, so far as we know.

A. Yes, when I talk about it with colleagues, I always get a lot of surprised looks. Lots of them wouldn’t even dare to think such a thing. So then I say: “You always talk so nicely and politely.”

Q. How do you think your statements are being received?

A. I’m a free citizen, I have a right to a free opinion. If anyone wants to get mad at me, he can get mad. And probably some will get upset. But that’s their problem.

Q. And your church?

A. I consider the newer tendency of the church to be really bad — to tell others what they should think. We’re not in North Korea. But then, some will naturally say, “Typical Wagner!”

Q. Is that all the same to you?

A. I can only answer to God.

Translation mine; interview by Sebastian Horsch.

That “only God can judge me” attitude doesn’t strike much of a chord with other Germans. Münchner Merkur readers reacted with overwhelming disgust: “Speechless”; “I feel so sick I could puke!”; “What lunacy, sexual assaults are supposed to be sanctioned stone-cold, not rewarded with gift certificates for the whorehouse”; “A more dehumanizing attitude toward prostitutes have I rarely ever read!”

Of course, some, like Trump supporters, are all thankful that at least SOMEBODY is saying the unspeakable.

But it’s not so unspeakable, at least as far as German Protestants go. In addition to Herr Wagner’s loosely-thought-out initiative, there’s this, in which another Lutheran pastor goes to Köln — yes, the scene of the New Year’s most publicized sex assaults — and pays a churchly visit to the biggest brothel in town:

The efforts of an evangelical pastor to take large donations from the Köln brothel, “Pascha”, have created outrage in the church, among women’s organizations, and with feminists. Particularly harsh criticism has landed on Pastor Hans Mörtter, because he attended a “good works night” at Pascha on its 20th anniversary, and expressed praise for the establishment and its proprietor.

Mörtter — who was honored on his 60th birthday as the “social conscience of Köln” — said, of the proffered 8,500-euro donation that it was neither dirty money, nor was there anything wrong with taking it. “I think that Pascha, as a place, is quite in order, it’s a biosphere, a big family, and I see that the people who work here are serious, and that it’s important to them to support the social life of the city,” said Mörtter in a documentary that appeared on WDR last week. On the Internet, Mörtter gave his blessing to the grandees of Pascha, saying they are “people like you and me”.

In the WDR report, brothel owner Hermann Müller, alias Hermann Pascha, shown in photos side by side with Mörtter, gives his life’s motto, among other things: “A woman comes into the world to serve a man and obey him.” That’s what his father and grandfather told him. “My women think so too, and that works out great!”

Translation, again, mine.

So you can see that there are at least two German Protestant pastors — one retired, the other still active in city politics, tending to the homeless and jobless — who seem to think nothing of giving the brothels their blessing. And of either handing taxpayers’ money to them, or getting back a small amount as a “charitable donation” (and yes, 8,500 euros is chicken feed to a place like Pascha, with gross receipts in the millions every month).

The horrible thing is, the charities need the cash. So too do the asylum seekers, who have more trouble finding jobs locally than does the average German. And so, too, do the women who work the brothels, who are very young, very poor, and often imported for the purpose from Eastern Europe by mafias, seeing as there aren’t many local women willing to put up with the abuse they’d take in there. The idea of “sex work” as “empowerment”, oddly, hasn’t sold well among German ladies, in spite of the “profession” being legal since 2002, taxable, and even advertised in job centres on a fairly regular basis! (Gee, I wonder why.)

The fact that the girls in the brothels are in as poor a situation as the young male refugees, if not worse, is apparently not even up for discussion, at least as far as the pious pimps and their reverend buddies go. Nope. Hermann Pascha himself — an archconservative if ever there was one! — thinks it’s a woman’s job to serve and obey men. No room for discussion there! If a guy wants to rape your ass without a condom, who cares, as long as he’s paying? And at Pascha, he can even do it for a low, all-you-can-fuck flat rate!

How exactly this is supposed to keep women safe from rape (by refugees or others) is an open question. Nobody dares to ask that, because the answer is so obvious: A class of women set aside as “okay to rape as long as you pay” is a most definite human rights violation. Unless one doesn’t see women as human at all, that is.

Also unmentioned, but worth mentioning, is what the Norwegians are doing differently from the Germans. They’re actually taking the trouble to educate newcomers about the different sexual rules in their country, and how, freedom being what it is, not every woman will be up for anything and everything with any and every man. And that trying to force a woman to have sex with you is a crime and will be punished as such.

Why is no one thinking of doing the same, in every part of the land, for newcomers to Germany? Both in terms of money and the dignity of women, it would end up costing far less.

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Posted in Confessions of a Bad German, Crapagandarati, Human Rights FAIL, Law-Law Land, Men Who Just Don't Get It, Pissing Jesus Off, Scandinavian Smorgasbord, The WTF? Files | Comments Off

Music for a Sunday: Dan Hicks, RIP

Posted on February 7, 2016 by Sabina Becker

Can’t believe we’ve lost another musical great…and the author of my favorite Thomas Dolby cover, incidentally:

Damn, this is shaping up to be a rough year for music.

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Quotable: Edgar Mitchell on worldly problems

Posted on February 6, 2016 by Sabina Becker

edgar-mitchell-quote

RIP to the man who most memorably put the Earth’s problems in perspective. He died yesterday at the age of 85. He was the sixth person to walk on the Moon.

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Posted in Obits and 'bobs, Quotable Notables, She Blinded Me With Science | Comments Off

Wankers of the Week: The Iowa Fracases

Posted on February 5, 2016 by Sabina Becker

Crappy weekend, everyone! And how about those Iowa caucuses? Is everybody as bored with this whole shitshow as I am? Oh, good. Glad I’m not the only one who sleeps through these things. Would that my nights were all so restful. Meanwhile, it’s shit like this that keeps me awake:

1. Phil Fucking Robertson. Somehow, I’m not surprised to find a fake hillbilly with fake “values” stumping for a fake presidential candidate (who isn’t even qualified to run, seeing as he wasn’t born in the US). What I am surprised at is that anyone is still attending their rallies. Or believing that “strict constitutionalist” shit. The constitution is, as I recall, quite specific on who is and is not allowed to run for president.

2. Ted Fucking Cruz. Meanwhile, the not-qualified-but-still-precandidate is awwwwwkward. And it’s so embarrassing. Ha, ha. PS: Not smart, Ted. Not smart. PPS: Ha, ha.

3. Daryush Fucking Valizadeh. Yes, darlings, “Roosh V”, the world’s failiest pickup “artist”, is at it again. And he and his slimy trog followers are about to get another free beer shampoo in the process. It’s like he didn’t learn a thing from his highly edifying experiences in Montréal… PS: Ha, ha! PPS: And even MORE ha-ha.

4. Matthew Fucking MIlls. Yes, Victoria Soto WAS a real teacher. Sandy Hook WAS a real massacre. And you, sir, ARE a real fucking idiot.

5. Joel Fucking Wright. Not all child-abusing perverts really look the part, but this one totally does. Which no doubt made him easy for the police in Mexico to catch as he was on his way to rape an actual baby there.

6. Donald Fucking Trump. No, Adele doesn’t want you playing her music on your campaign trail. She has taste, after all. Also, your apparent approval of actual Nazis is making you into one hell of an uggo. PS: Sir Elton is right there with Adele. Jesus, dude, have you even heard of seeking permission?

7. Sarah Fucking Palin. Oh my, is that somebody projecting like mad I hear? Why yes, it is! PS: Also, what IS this gibberish? Can anyone decipher? PPS: Dear God, she’s drinking again, isn’t she. I knew it!

8. Ken Fucking Ivory. What’s that? ANOTHER “incriminating” right-wing video about an agency the ‘wingers all hate, that’s about as genuine as a three-dollar bill? Why yes, it is!

9. Alex Fucking Jones. No, Bernie Sanders is not a “hardcore commie”, he’s a very liberal Democrat with some mild socialist tendencies. And he’s not into concentration camps, either, seeing as he’s Jewish and already knows the history of those all too well. Trust me, dude, if anyone had any use for your labor — forced or otherwise — you’d have been incarcerated long ago. (Or more likely, exterminated as mentally unfit.)

10. Rafael Fucking Cruz. “Here I am, Lord, use me”? Oh, brother. Perhaps Jesus would be better invoked to drop-kick a certain someone through the goalposts of Fail.

11. David Fucking Manning. And in other dropkick-Jesus news, the pastor of the Hate Church of Harlem is butthurt over how he’s been foreclosed on…and how his real estate is being snapped up by an LGBT+ youth centre. And resorting to the most vile and vulgar imagery in his impotent anger, too.

12. Paul Fucking Allen. Why mega-yachts are even allowed to exist is beyond me. And for that matter, billionaires. And the fact that they’re allowed to get away with tearing up fragile coral ecosystems with their fucking anchor chains is the rotten cherry on top of the shit sundae of crapitalism. Why, Goddess, WHY???

13. Bibi Fucking Netanyahu. No, Bibi, respected opinion leaders don’t have anything against the Jewish people. We know they come in all kinds. It’s the Zionists who keep waging war on the Palestinians that respected opinion leaders reject, and it’s their Nazified behavior that’s the reason why.

14. Cliven Fucking Bundy, AGAIN. “Stand your ground”, he says. What he actually means is pack up and go home, you fucking morons.

15. Michael Fucking Ramos. No, dude, you’re not a patriot, and your confederates aren’t an army. You’re just another white terrorist, and so are all of your buddies. Siddown and shut the fuck up.

16. David Fucking Fry. And that goes double for YOU, nerd-terrorist. You break the law, you don’t get amnesty. You go to jail, or get gunned down if you don’t go quietly. See how that works?

17. Roy Fucking Buchanan. Nice gendered slur, sir. Maybe you wouldn’t have had to use it on that nice lady reporter if you hadn’t gone around misspending all that money that wasn’t yours, eh?

18. Jason Fucking Kenney. Yes, he’s still squatting on Parliament Hill. And yes, he’s still wanking about immigrants and their English and how much trouble he has understanding it unless it’s perfect and unaccented. Aren’t you sorry he’s no longer a minister of anything? Yeah…me neither. Maybe if Closet Boy would clean the wax out of his ears, he’d be able to make out what others are saying. Maybe then, he’d hear that they’re laughing…AT him, not with him.

19. Michele Fucking Bachmann. Oh gawd, she’s still around, too. Still bearding for that unhappy gay guy. And still yattering on with her stupid conspiracy theories about Obama becoming king, or some such. Never mind that there’s zero evidence. It’s never stopped her before, and it never will until she lands in her all-too-timely grave.

20. Jonathan Fucking Powell. WWJD? Beat an 11-year-old girl over the head with frozen bacon and call her a bitch, of course.

21. Sandy Fucking Rios. Oh gawd, she’s still around, too. Still mongering the usual tripe, fear, and bogus conspiracy theories about all the eeeevil things all the eeeevil liberals are supposedly doing. And by “supposedly doing”, I mean NOT doing at all.

22. Saima Fucking Ahmed. While a Kit Kat without the wafer is kind of a drag, expecting a lifetime supply of them to assuage your butthurt is…a bit much. But kudos for over-the-top law-studenting just the same!

23. Alex Fucking Jones. Oh gawd, he’s still around, too. Still babbling like a brook of idiocy. And still sharing his grotesque sexual fantasies and porn preferences with an uninterested general public, too.

24. Victoria Fucking Sharp. Sit down, cult-girl, your 15 minutes are already up. And nobody believes for one hot instant that LaVoy Fucking Finicum is a real martyr, either.

25. Ernie Fucking Boch, Jr. Yeah, no, dude, there ain’t a pair of beer goggles foggy enough to make me see anything in Der Donald. Or, for that matter, want to go home with the likes of YOU.

26. Scott Fucking Ellis. Nobody NEEDS a blowjob. You might WANT one, but you’re never entitled to one…much less in exchange for anything else. Especially not if you’re a mayor. Frankly, asshole, you should be in jail right now. And unable to suck or fuck your way out.

27. Martin Fucking Shkreli. One contempt-of-congress charge for PharmaBro, coming right down!

28. David Fucking Daleiden. Oh, the chutzpah. You don’t deserve an apology. Or probation, either. You deserve JAIL.

29. Steven Fucking Joyce. In case you’re tempted to pity him for getting pelted in the face with a big plastic dildo…don’t. He’s one of those responsible for selling out all the countries that signed on to the TPP…in this case, New Zealand. Sorry, Kiwis (all except for this asshole), Canada feels your pain.

30. Glenn Fucking Beck. Revolution is coming! Boogaboogabooga! Oh Biff, who do you think you’re kidding? Your “revolutionaries” are the same bunch who refuse even to nominally criticize Henry Fucking Kissinger, the counterrevolutionary extraordinaire. What makes you think THEY’re gonna riot in the streets? Oh yeah, right, I forgot…the president is still black. And we all know how THOSE people are, don’t we? Yes, we do…they’re just like everybody else, trying harder and harder to get by in a climate that makes revolution necessary while still strangling the revolutionary impulse in its cradle because people are too busy just trying to scrounge up something to eat. At long last, shut the fuck up, you irrelevant moron.

And finally, to the New York State Senate. Yes, all of them. Because they presume to tell New Yorkers what countries they can and cannot boycott. And guess which egregious offender is on the latter list? Yes, New York readers, sign that petition, and share it. And let them know that they cannot make laws abridging the freedom of speech in their state.

Good night, and get fucked!

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German women fight back against “sexual fascist” Roosh V

Posted on February 3, 2016 by Sabina Becker

roosh-v-with-rubber-girlfriend

Roosh V: Got no game, obvs. But at least he’ll always have Rubber Rita…

By now, it’s no longer a secret that “pickup artist” slimeball Roosh V is planning a bunch of meetups for presumably like-minded men. And it’s no secret that women around the world are also planning to fight back if they see these guys in their cities and towns. Here’s what’s going on in Germany, according to Die Störenfriedas:

Next Saturday, pickup artists have called for meetings in 165 cities worldwide, at secret landmarks, to try their techniques out on defenceless women. In the social networks, the waves are lapping high; even the first print media are slowly reacting. That’s bitterly necessary, too, because the adherents of pickup artistry think that rape in general should be legalized.

Roosh V (Daryush Valizadeh), the initiator, wrote a blog entry in February 2015 titled “How to Stop Rape”. In it, he formulated the thesis that one could stop the problem of sexual assault quite simply by making rape in private areas legal. Lately, on Twitter, he explained that it was satire and not meant to be taken seriously.

The group of pickup artists around him call themselves “Return of Kings”. Interestingly, they are also critical of refugees. German PUA adherents, according to their own comments, don’t feel safe in the streets anymore, because the refugees are already working their havoc there.

It’s no wonder that misogynous groups are also misanthropic toward other groups of people. Whoever hates women, also often hates strangers, the poor, foreigners, or otherwise disadvantaged people. This is the phenomenon of the Angry White Men, who are the worldwide elite, or rather, the #1 link in the chain of oppression. Basically, they act as if they were in competition with the refugees for their “prey”, namely women. One could puke at this image of women and humanity.

This blog entry sums up the situation well:

“Every man has a right to sex with every woman at every time. Roosh and his adherents are not only sexists, they are sexual fascists who deny women the basic right of self-determination.”

Mimikama has tried, with best intentions, to cut short a presumptive hysteria around Saturday’s planned activities. But in doing so, they overlook, unfortunately, the fact that the boundaries between meetings in which it will be declared that men have the right to take women against their will using force and manipulation, and men who will then take that and run with it, are fluid. We don’t know what will happen on Saturday, but the very idea that groups of men around the world are going on the hunt against women in cities is unbearable. Women here are being degraded, depersonalized, objectified, and declared defenceless victims per se, to serve as entertainment for bored, spoiled brats who want to live out their sexual fantasies. To pity these guys is not enough, because their techniques are successful and their attitude is unmistakable. They are denying women their sexual self-determination.

Watch out, inform yourselves well, and go out on the streets if you can. We shouldn’t leave our streets to them.

Whoever wants to take part in protests (in Germany) can find all info here.

Translation mine. Links as in original, except for Roosh V’s own crap, which I’ve do-not-linked so he doesn’t profit any further from your clickage. Just doing my bit to starve the beast…

The entry goes on to list all the German places where the scumbags plan to meet. Here’s a complete worldwide list. And here, too, is a call for decent men to help fight back; please reblog if you’re on Tumblr. Here’s a WhiteHouse.gov petition to sign to get Return of Kings declared a terrorist group. (Don’t forget to check your e-mail and click on the confirmation link, so your signature goes through!)

Also, here are some heartening reports out of my home and native land:

A Toronto women’s boxing club is planning to go mano-a-mano vs. the menzers, if they spot any. Let’s see if these skulking cowards have the chops to stand up to some badass lady boxers!

Mayors of various cities are tweeting their intention to keep Roosh’s acolytes at bay. Looks like those meetups are not going unnoticed in their target towns!

Sadly, though, no word yet from Parliament Hill as to whether the Minister of Immigration plans on perma-barring this uggo. Tick tock, Mr. McCallum…tick tock.

Australia, meanwhile, is going us one better; they’re planning to deny Roosh a visa on character grounds should he try to come in and give any talks. New Zealand is planning to do the same.

Certainly he’s a shoddy character who should be kept out of every civilized country, just on account of how he’d stink the joint up; he hilariously kvetches about having to maintain personal hygiene in order to appeal to women even mildly. Little wonder he seems to think he should have the right to take them by force; obviously, if the matter were left to their free will, he’d never get his malnourished dick wet at all.

And little wonder, then, that he and his acolytes are actually quite serious about wanting their whole rape culture schtick to be legal. He is, after all, a self-admitted rapist.

PS: And Rapey Boy has just tucked tail, at least where Canada is concerned. Guess the lovely lady boxers made what’s in HIS boxers wilt. Ha, ha.

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Posted in Bullies, Canadian Counterpunch, Confessions of a Bad German, Fascism Without Swastikas, Good to Know, If You REALLY Care, Isn't That Illegal?, Isn't That Racist?, Men Who Just Don't Get It, Oceania, Schadenfreude, Sick Frickin' Bastards, The Bold and the Badass, The United States of Amnesia, Uppity Wimmin | Comments Off

Happy Groundhog Day!

Posted on February 2, 2016 by Sabina Becker

happy-groundhog-day

Happy Groundhog Day to all North Americans. And please, don’t piss off the groundhogs.

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Posted in Canadian Counterpunch, The United States of Amnesia | Comments Off

Argentina: Macri takes a page from his fascist Venezuelan counterparts

Posted on February 1, 2016 by Sabina Becker

bolivar-bathroom

Pay no attention to that patriotic man behind the furniture.

Hey! Remember when that old fuddy-duddy, Henry Ramos Allup, ordered the pictures of Chavecito gone from the National Assembly building in Caracas? Well, look who just copycatted him in Buenos Aires:

The government of Argentina ordered the removal of the portraits of the late former president Néstor Kirchner and his Venezuelan colleague, Hugo Chávez, from the Gallery of Latin American Patriots in the Casa Rosada.

“It was a political decision. Every government leaves its imprint on the House of Government,” said official sources, as maintenance employees moved the portraits down the stairs to the museum in the basement.

According to government personnel, as reported by the DyN news agency, the order to remove both portraits was given by the secretary-general of the Presidency, Fernando de Andreis. DyN sources said that both “would be taken to the Bicentennial Museum of the Casa Rosada”, located in the basement, to be kept in custody there “until it is defined what destiny they will be given”.

Meanwhile, the rest of the portraits hung during the reign of Cristina Kirchner in the same gallery, among them those of Juan Domingo Perón, Ernesto “Che” Guevara, Eva Perón, and Hipólito Yrigoyen, will continue to hang in their respective locations in the lower level of the House of Government.

Translation mine.

Something tells me that these pics of Kirchnerito and Chavecito will enjoy the same fate as the portrait of Simón Bolívar did during the putsch of ’02.

After all, we can’t have the tyranny of good examples hanging around to give inspiration to others, can we?

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Posted in Don't Cry For Argentina, Fascism Without Swastikas, Huguito Chavecito | Comments Off

Music for a Sunday: And all the joy within you dies…

Posted on January 31, 2016 by Sabina Becker

“Morning maniac music” in mourning for Paul Kantner (he’s backing Grace Slick on vocals here), who died this past week. Damn, January has been a brutal month for rock, starting with the death of David Bowie and ending with this guy.

PS: It’s been even more brutal than I thought. Grace Slick’s predecessor, Signe Anderson, also died on the same day as her former bandmate. Here’s Rolling Stone’s story.

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Wankers of the Week: Don’t be like Bill

Posted on January 29, 2016 by Sabina Becker

Crappy weekend, everyone! So, how’s everyone holding up under the onslaught of stupid stick-figure memes? Nauseated? Me too. Which is why I’m only devoting one post to that stupid shit. Don’t be like Bill, people. And the rest of this post goes to these other people you also don’t want to be like, in no particular order…

1. Bruce Fucking O’Brien. Yeah, driving drunk in a snowstorm — great idea! And drunkenly opening fire on a snowplow doing its job — even better idea! Whatever will you do for an encore, sir?

2. Katrina Fucking Pierson, AGAIN. “Pure breeds”? “Half-breeds”? Is this politics, or a dog-and-pony show? With Der Donald and his spokesmoron, it’s getting hard to tell.

3. Donald Fucking Trump. AGAIN. Yeah, sure black people are gonna like you better than Obama. And pink pegacorns with purple manes and tails will fly out your ass, too! PS: And I’m sure FUX Snooze is gonna love you long time, too.

4 and 5. David Fucking Daleiden and Sandra Fucking Merritt. They tried to stage a “gotcha” on Planned Parenthood (yes, they’re behind the infamous “baby parts” video that fired up so many terrorists)…and got caught in their own booby trap. Couldn’t have happened to a bigger pair of boobs.

6. Michele Fucking Fiore. Big Gummint is EEEEEBIL! Unless, of course, you’re in it, and gaming the taxation system on your own behalf. Then, the evil one is none other than YOU.

7. Kelly Fucking Gneiting. Challenging Chris Fucking Christie to a super-macho sumo bout just because he dissed your toy army? Dude…what do you need “militias” for if you can just sumo-wrestle your detractors, anyway?

8. Kim Fucking Davis. No, God didn’t choose you to be anything…except, maybe, a laughingstock. ‘Course, you can always oppose God’s will by sitting down and shutting the fuck up.

9. Alyssa Fucking Rosenberg. No, Ammon Fucking Bundy and his fucking crew of fuckheads aren’t being “sexually harassed”. Sending them sex toys is an entirely acceptable way of dealing with those half-wits, because as one of my friends pointed out, it hits them right in their macho, homophobic masculinity and reminds them that they are, in fact, the punchline to a dirty joke. It is in no way the equivalent of a man sending dickpix to a woman he doesn’t even know. Also, feminists often own, use, and even LOVE sex toys themselves, as they help us not to depend solely on other people for our own sexual gratification. So…analogy FAIL. It would be better to simply say it’s not nice to flip idiots the bird, even when they’re hijacking bird sanctuaries. Fortunately, we don’t HAVE to be nice to them. Now go buy yourself a damn sense of humor.

10. Joseph Arthur Fucking Stetson. And in other Yeehawd/Y’All Qaida news, we have THIS bozo. Who could probably use some sex toys, but won’t be able to receive them behind bars. Too bad, so sad.

11. Odalis Fucking Sharp. Aaaaand MOAR Yeehawd! This time, from a child abuser who’d had a son taken from her because he couldn’t stand the “wholesome and pure path”, no doubt consisting of absolute god-awfulness, which she had planned for him. Why she’s still in possession of the rest of her brood I don’t know, but maybe this latest instance of child abuse — er, wholesomeness and purity — will finally get the authorities to do right by her remaining kids, as well.

12. Paul Fucking Whatsislastname. Paul is a Florida Man. Paul is an anti-choicer. Paul is also racist as fuck. Paul says that white women need to be kept home making babies for the good of the race. Paul also believes #4 and #5’s video, even though it’s now proven to be fake. Paul is an idiot. Don’t be like Paul.

13. Paul LeFucking Page. And in other Paul news, we have this guy. Who is not only racist, he also wants to bring back the guillotine. So do I, so do I…but only for the likes of him.

14 and 15. Carly Fucking Fiorina and Mike Fucking Huckabee. Oh dear, they really aren’t taking the news about #s 4 and 5 very well at all, are they? PS: Hucky, sit down. Your 15 minutes expired forever ago.

16. Jerry Fucking Falwell, Jr. Yes, that’s right, there’s a Junior. And he’s an idiot, too. (Not that this comes as any great shocker, given who his old man was, but still.)

17. Mat Fucking Staver. DUDE. You’re paying taxes to gay people just for living in their country? When did that happen? PS: Jizya is not what Matty the Moron thinks it is. It was, in fact, a poll tax levied on all subjects (except the aristocracy) of the Persian and Byzantine empires, and was levied according to the relative wealth of the person in question. It had nothing to do with belief at all!

18. Franklin Fucking Graham. Meanwhile, Billy Graham’s son and heir is disappointingly like dear old Dad, too.

19. David Fucking Cameron. Next time you feel like making some kind of odious generalization about Muslim women…just don’t. Oak hay?

20. Paul Fucking Bronfman. If peace and Palestinian rights are “anti-semitic”, then what is the bombing of Gaza…with illegal white phosphorus, no less? Or that apartheid wall? Are Palestinians not Semites, too? And why are those crickets so goddamned loud?

21. Paul Fucking Godfrey. Interesting, isn’t it, how the Nasty Pest tried to get us all voting for Harpo last fall, when we already knew damn well that he’d stolen the 2011 election? And isn’t it downright fascinating to know that they’re actually owned by US hedge funds? Guess that makes this paper not a Canadian national paper like the Star or the Globe, but a US hedge-fund mouthpiece with nationwide circulation. And then we wonder why Harpo lost. Now we have our answer…IT’S THE FOREIGN INTERFERENCE, STUPID.

22. Falcon Fucking Heene. Hoax balloon boy endorses hoax paper rich dude. The satire just writes itself, dunnit?

23. Graham Fucking Hunt. Bathroom Bandit steals military valor. Film at 11!

24. Cliven Fucking Bundy. Godfather of land hijackers and general nogoodniks says one of them, who got killed for the stupidest cause ever, was “sacrificed for a good purpose”? Why is this old motherfucker not in jail along with his criminal sons?

25. Raymond Fucking Burke. No, you DON’T get to blame women for the Catholic church’s problems. Women don’t run the church. They’re not even allowed to be priests, remember? And that, right there, is one of the church’s problems.

26 and 27. Robert Fucking Bentley and Ted Fucking Sessoms. So, you want to protect Alabamians from harm? Then you’d better step down. Because “Kill All Syrians” won’t protect anyone from anything, gubnor bubba. As for you, Preacher Man, you’re a disgrace to your pulpit. Maybe YOU had better step down, too.

28. Bristol Fucking Palin. “Not everyone gets a trophy”, huh? Well, no shit, Sherlock! And speaking of which: Not everyone gets to be culturally relevant, either. Your five seconds were up long ago, so siddown, cupcake, and accept your cup of STFU gracefully, like you’re so busy telling all those black folks to do.

29. Pete Fucking Kelly. And in other idiot news from Alaska, we have this guy. Who, judging by the sounds of things, doesn’t know how birth control works or what it’s supposed to prevent. And he wants women drinking in bars to take pregnancy tests first. I have a better idea: How about all right-wing men in politics take IQ tests before they run for office? That way, we can at least stem this ongoing epidemic of Stoopid Man Syndrome and Foot-in-Mouth Disease.

30 and 31. Tom Fucking Patton and Rob Fucking Frost. Ahem. As I was saying…IQ tests for all right-wing men are a MUST, because blatant sexism sounds just as stupid in Ohio as it does in Alaska.

32. Rob Fucking Katzman. Dwarf-tossing is still going on? Ugh. I have a better idea: How about we toss strip-joint owners instead?

33. Richard Fucking Dawkins. That’s right, the Old Dick stuck his foot in it. AGAIN. And if you have to ask what “it” is, just be thankful you don’t walk where there’s a lot of it lying around.

34. Daniel Fucking Musso. Oh joy, another fucking “patriot” looking to hijack something through violence in the name of Murrica. Let’s see how he enjoys his occupation of a different kind of federal facility, eh?

35. Rafael Fucking Cruz. And again with Ted’s derpy ol’ dad. I know it’s not nice to laugh at acerebrous people, but damn, he just keeps forking over that comedic material!

36. Ted Fucking Cruz. And speaking of the devil, get a load of who he’s in cahoots with. On the bright side, though, this pretty much nails his political coffin shut and kicks it into the open grave.

37. Sally Fucking Kern. Oh gawd, HER again. Still hating on the queerfolks, and apparently determined to wipe out all LGBT kids in particular. I’d ask what any of them ever did to her, but at this point, that’s not the question. It’s what the hell she thinks she’s doing to them, people.

38. Louie Fucking Gohmert. Oh joy, it’s Gomer, the world’s least persecuted person, whining about how persecuted he is onaccounta he’s white, male, stupid, and a fundie. Send that man a Waaaambulance, already.

39. Tommy Fucking Benton. The South shall rise again! On the wings of hooded sheets, no less. Gawd, how much longer before these old Klukers all die, and their stupidities die with them?

40. Ben Fucking Carson. Hey gay people, Dr. Ben wants you all back in the closet, STAT! At this rate, I don’t know what surprises me more: the fact that he’s still talking, or the fact that he’s still got a campaign going on. One thing that doesn’t surprise me, though: The fact that nonsense keeps coming out every time he moves his lips.

And finally, to these two unnamed teenage dumbfucks. They thought they’d shred the Otonabee River on an ice floe? They’re lucky the river didn’t shred them, because they were headed for a hydro dam. Maybe they’d appreciate receiving the bill for what their rescue cost the municipality. I’m sure their parents would…

Good night, and get fucked!

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