News of the Restless

…you make like this dude:

Well, that’s one way of being a wanker. Here are some others, brought to you by this week’s winners (pronounced wieners):

1. You can’t resist a photo-op, even when you should…like Stephen Fucking Harper. The last thing the quake-stricken Haitians want is to get their picture taken with this cynical, opportunistic wank, who’s not content to trample only their democracy, but Canada’s as well. I’m with JimBobby–the media should stay home and not bolster Harpo’s fortunes for one minute longer!

2. You can’t even pretend to show a little sportsmanship…like Dale Fucking Begg-Smith. You want to know what’s wrong with the whole Silicon Valley vision of late 20th-century über-capitalism? I’ll tell you: It’s an entitled teen millionaire who buggered off for Australia out of disdain for Canadian ski program rules. Loyalty to hometown and country? Not for him. The Aussies are also complaining about his lack of loyalty, so it’s not just a Canada thing. True to type, he made his fortune by questionable means. And then, when Alex Bilodeau very deservedly bested him, guess who iced over on the podium. What, is all that other gold not good enough? Some of us (like me, for one) would be grateful just to make it down the bunny hill without sitting on our skis.

3. You can’t even meet and talk with constituents who disagree with you…like James Fucking Lunney. Did I mention that he’s a Tory? Do I need to mention that he’s a coward? And that cowardice is true to Tory form?

4. You are completely dissociated from all sense of reality, both past and present…like Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Dubya drags his country into two wars which have now BOTH been raging longer than World War II…and whom does the Pigman blame? Yup, you guessed it…the black guy from Hawaii. Even funnier, he claims “there’s no war on right now”. Oh yeah? Tell that to all those guys and gals stuck in Iraq and Afghanistan. In the latter case, some of them came from my home and native land, and would be quite surprised to hear that what they’re doing over there isn’t a war. Why, next thing you know, Rush will be claiming that the US was in World War II before Canada was…all those little acolytes of his with whom I’ve had the pleasure of wiping a floor certainly did.

But hey. Sometimes, if you listen really hard, you might just hear the Pigman tell the truth for a change:

Ah, that was lovely. I can never hear that song often enough…

5. You don’t even have the most basic idea of how your own country’s justice system works…like Monica Fucking Crowley. Military tribunals “didn’t exist until late 2001”? I’m sure the US military will be very surprised to hear THAT one.

6. You don’t know shit about climatology and can’t be bothered to learn…like James Fucking Inhofe. Congratulations on your national igloo, Mr. Senator. And sorry to hear about your sub-freezing IQ.

7. You ride a loser’s coattails to nowhere, then bitch about it…like Sam Fucking Wurzelbacher. Next time you get the urge to reach for the dough, dude, just get your plumbing licence, keep your head down, and actually do something real for a living.

8. You conflate all criticism of the Israeli government with “an attack on Canada”…like Peter Fucking Kent. This inveterate wanker (whom I’ve already excoriated on two occasions) is Harpo’s junior foreign affairs minister. A less competent man for the job could hardly be imagined, unless your idea of reality happens to coincide with CanWest Global’s hard-right pro-Israel editorial line.

9. You don’t care a damn about your country, its people, or what they want…like Jorge Fucking Castañeda. Canada and Mexico don’t want to be part of a US hegemony disguised as a “union”, but you’d never know it according to Jorge the Apátrido. And that may well be the only thing those two countries actually have in common. As far as most Canadians are concerned (and the Apátrido isn’t), Mexico belongs to Latin America. And as far as most Mexicans are concerned, the US is just the place where you go to recoup a little of the cash that was stolen from your country, and send it back home. But hey, we could make common cause with the Mexicans anyway to defeat this rotten “union” idea, if it by some strange misfortune fails to defeat itself. What say, Mexico?

10. You are so steeped in teabagger lunacy that you can no longer tell your own madness from the voice of God in your ear…like Gregory Fucking Girard. Yep, another crazy-eyed militant armageddonist for Jeezus has been caught stockpiling guns and ammo in advance of what would undoubtedly be either an attempt at terrorism or one upon the life of an elected president. God sure does work in mysterious ways! Why else guide the hand of a wanker to be one’s instrument…?

11. You are so steeped in teabagger lunacy that you’re willing to fly a plane into an IRS building…like Joseph Fucking Stack of Austin, Texas. Of course, the wanker forgot that his state DOES have representation in Washington, meaning all the taxes he had to pay in his apparen
tly worthless life were, in fact, 100% LEGAL. But of course, he didn’t even think to say boo about it till now, when, by coincidence, the head of state happens to be a brownish guy. He also forgot that the bailout he blamed on the brown guy, was actually the doing of the brown guy’s white predecessor–and he never complained about HIM. And he also picked a damn stupid way of complaining–which included trying to kill his nearest and dearest, as well as innocent random strangers. Do me a favor, all you suicidal wanks out there–just gas yourselves with car exhaust in your garage if you really MUST, and leave others the hell out of it. They will NOT appreciate the political points you’re trying to score with your own death, believe me.

12. You are so steeped in teabagger lunacy that you’re willing to celebrate the wanker above…like this fucking Facebook circle jerk.

13. You rag on Barack Obama for his admitted, but minor experimentation with cocaine, but forget that your boy Dubya spent the better part of two decades with a rolled-up Benjamin affixed to his nose…like Jason Fucking Mattera. Lemme guess, Jason…you’re more a crack-smoking kind of guy? Or maybe crystal meth is more your speed? That would explain why you think all those helmet-haired, glassy-eyed, diet-deranged, Botoxed-to-death Stepford wives in your crowd are “beautiful”. It would also explain why you think tea-partiers speak in complete sentences (they can’t even spell, do math, or dress themselves!), and why you have nothing of real substance to say anywhere about anything. And afterwards, I’ll bet you went to the washroom to do a few lines of some unspecified substance off the Coultergeist’s bony ass, too!

14. You’re still going on about Bill Clinton’s BJ after all this time…like Newt Fucking Gingrich. Whose third wife is the extracurricular chick who used to blow him in the Capitol’s parking garage while he was after Bubba like a hound on a raccoon.

15. You never let facts get in the way of a good piece of bombast…like David Fucking Broder. Yeah, sure, Sarah Fucking Palin knows how to sell herself, all right. The question is, who but a complete idiot would buy this bimbo? And the answer? David Fucking Broder, for one. Because he is a complete and pluperfect idiot. Duh!

16. You are trying to rewrite Canadian immigration law to its original form as a law of exclusion…like Jason Fucking Kenney. Will it keep REAL undesirables out? Hell, no; everyone knows, or should, that the world’s worst criminals all happen to be white, rich and prominently situated. This law will do nothing about those multinational motherfuckers. But it will keep top-notch Mexican chefs from ever darkening our doorstep again. Nice work, Jason.

17. You are so religiously insane that you would kick a sick woman out of your church just because she sought medical attention…like David Fucking Valdez. The Joho preacher-man kicked out Maribel Perez when she received a blood transfusion as part of her double-lung transplant. This anti-blood stance is based solely on a misinterpretation of a scriptural passage concerning blood sacrifice, and has nothing to do with medicine. But it certainly points out that Jehovah’s Witness anti-blood doctrine is not only confused, but when it comes down to cases like this, it is also profoundly un-Christian, in that it directly violates what Jesus himself said is the right thing to do for the sick, the needy and the suffering. Since when is it godly to cast out a sick person just for seeking treatment for her illness? And does this wank seriously believe God will favor him for doing that to her?

And finally, you know you’re a wanker when…you show up late to the party, stoned to the gills and making zero sense, like this wanker did here. Dude, if you don’t yet understand why gun control IS crime control, or why the majority of Canadians loathe the Tories with a righteous passion, or why an onion ring gets more fans than Harpo, then you really need to spend less time with your record collection and your drugs, and even less time making excuses for those whom you claim not to support. BTW, there’s no such thing as an “amero”, no matter how fervently YOU believe in it. What you posted was nothing but a photoshop, based upon a phantasm created by some other drug-addled wank (see #9, above). Life is so much easier when your head’s not stuck in a tube of model-airplane glue, so kindly get yours out and join the REAL party, please.

Good night, and get fucked!

PS: Boy, it’s been a banner week for personal wankers here at Casa Bina. I should also mention the loon from Liguria, IP #82.52.128.184, who wanked here. You know you’re a wanker when…you spam my blog with pro-Palin crap (which I removed the link to), gratuitously attacking socialism, on an entry not dedicated to it. From ITALY. Where, if I’m not mistaken, some socialist aspects of society exist, no?

Buonanotte, e vaffanculo!