News of the Restless

Crappy weekend,everyone! Hope you like the sound of clock-radios going off and “I Got You, Babe” coming on, because you’re going to be hearing that a lot today. Yes, the groundhog has poked his sleepy head out of his hibernation hole and seen wankers enough to last until spring. And here they are, in no particular order:

1. Sean Fucking Hannity. It’s been a hot minute since I’ve listed the Baby Jesus, but hey…I’m pretty sure that getting the facts wrong, being forced to backpedal, and then vanishing mysteriously from the tweeter counts as a wank, no?

2. Courtland Fucking Sykes. Oh dude, who the hell do you think you’re kidding? Everyone knows that your idea of a “radical feminist” is any woman who’s not lying face-down in front of you with WELCOME tattooed across her back.

3. Piers Fucking Morgan. Donnie Drumpf is not a feminist? I’m shocked, SHOCKED. Why, next thing you know, you’ll be telling me that bears do things in the woods!

4. Scott Fucking Baio. Chachi, Chachi, Chachi…I’m shocked at you! Well, actually…no, I’m not. I think this is par for the course, considering that your big break in showbiz was to play a smarmy little skirt-chasing molester. I’m only surprised that it’s taken this long for your own typecasting to finally catch up to you.

5. Bernie Fucking Marcus. Senile codger says what? Oh, I see…he’s just projecting. Lemme guess…he does this a lot? Uh-huh. Well, would someone please confiscate his cane, so he doesn’t end up hitting any nurses with it? Thanks awfully.

6. Rick Fucking Dykstra. Cue up that old Queen song, the one that starts with a riff: Ba da dump, bump, bump…yes, Another One Bites the Dust! Another pervert has been exposed. And given that the Ontario PCs knew what he was before they ran him as a candidate, they really have no excuses. Far’s I’m concerned, they broke this egg all over their own faces!

7. Tomi Fucking Lahren. Oh girl, who do you think you’re kidding? Everyone knows you’ve been dying to eat a Tide pod yourself, if you haven’t done so already. I mean, you ARE always frothing at the mouth…

8. Mike Fucking Pence. Yo, “Mother”? Could you slap your boy upside the head again? He’s talking like HE just ate a Tide pod, too.

9. T.J. Fucking Berry. Meanwhile, in Missouri, a village has lost its idiot…at the statehouse. Where he was found trying to violate the First Amendment in the name of Jeebus. Who is no doubt smacking his forehead in dismay at all the dim-witted nerds in his fan club who keep trying to redefine marriage so that only fan-club nerds can get married.

10. Matt Fucking Gaetz. Hey sparky, here’s a pro tip for you (not that you’re bright enough to actually USE it, but hey): If you don’t want people to think you’re a conspiracy kook, don’t have anything to do with InfoWars! Because that site is nothing but wall-to-wall conspiracy kookery. If any actual facts make it into there alive, trust me: it’s an accident.

11. Peter Fucking Beck. Launching a satellite that does absolutely nothing but sit up there giving off a glare? Yeah, that’s got a certain gosh-wow factor to it. Mostly of the “gosh, wow, that’s totally pointless and really fucking STUPID” kind, alas.

12. Taylor Fucking Weyeneth. So long, Donnie’s opioid “czar”, we barely knew ye. Don’t let the door hit ye where your mama done split ye.

13. Doug Fucking Ford. Oh yippee yi yay, yippee yi yo. Dougie has decided to throw his hat in the ring of the Ontario PC leadership circus! Like it already wasn’t enough of one with all the sexual harassment and assault scandals currently making the rounds. Ha, ha.

14. Julian Fucking Assange. Yeah, I’d say we’re way beyond done considering this guy a journalist anymore. You hop in bed with the Baby Jesus at FUX Snooze, you ain’t nothin’ but a right-wing hack. And one who’s easily tricked by fake tweeters, too. Nice egg you got on your face there, whitey.

15. Gus Fucking Eli Fucking Reinhardt. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how disgraceful you have to be to strike ANY comparison between getting religion and getting RAPED. Although, now that I think about it, maybe becoming a fundie IS like getting raped in some ways: it fills you with all kinds of fucked-up and downright shameful notions about who’s at fault for what happened to you and why.

16. Raheem Fucking Kassam. He asks if the US is not a “mafia state” now, but he asks it not about Donnie, but OBAMA? Dude, Obama’s not in power anymore, and Donnie’s mobbed-up as fuck. For that matter, Breitbart too has ALWAYS been shady. And when even Frank Fucking Gaffney tells you it’s not, and he’s a racist who HATES Obama, doesn’t that tell you something? If you can’t say anything honest or intelligent (and you can’t), hold your damn tongue already.

17. Neil Fucking Portnow. “Women artists need to step up”? Um, they DID. HUGELY. And given that the top prize went to some schmuck who drones about how he’s totally superficially horny for some chick he saw at a club, I’d say it’s the other gender that needs to do some stepping. PS: What Pink said.

18. Tim Fucking Allen. Waaaa, snowflake, you sound triggered. Need a safe space? Well, I guess your right-wing echo chamber movie will provide THAT, all right.

19. Paul Fucking Nehlen. And in other snowflake news, look who made a list of “Jews”! (Note the quotes, there for a reason…reason being, he doesn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground.)

20. Cory Fucking Carnley. New verse on the old song: If you’re a Nazi and you’re outed, it’s your fault! (clap clap) If you’re a Nazi and you’re outed, it’s your fault! (stomp stomp) If you’re fascist and a fool, they can kick you out of school. If you’re a Nazi and you’re outed, it’s your fault! (clap clap, stomp stomp, YEE-HAW!)

21. Spencer Fucking Brown. Kinda hard to play tennis in a KKK robe, innit? Ha, ha.

22. Brenda Fucking Fitzgerald. Why no, buying tobacco stocks while working for the Centres for Disease Control doesn’t represent any conflict of interest at ALL!

23. Paul Fucking Gosar. Arresting undocumented immigrants attending the SOTU address as plus-ones? Way to uphold the First Amendment, bubba gump.

24. Diane Fucking Keaton. So, Woody Fucking Allen’s lying-ass old interview is more to be believed than the legions of women who are pointing out just how urpy, ooky, and downright rapey he’s been over the years? Welp. I guess somebody is now officially cancelled. Besides HIM, of course.

25. Hillary Fucking Clinton. And speaking of cancelled, yup, SHE made the cut this week. Guess her feminism goes no deeper than the fabric of her pantsuit. Sorry, NOT sorry.

26. Michele Fucking Bachmann. On the other hand, THIS one is cancelled for all time. And God has already spoken. Just wait till she calls off her next run once the very negative polls start to roll on in. In 3…2…1…

27. Gloria Fucking Copeland. And further to the subject of pious frauds and idiots, how about HER? Yep, she’s still preaching antivaxxer bullshit, mixed with an unhealthy dose of fake-healing. You’d think a measles outbreak in her own congregation would have been enough of a wake-up call from God, but ohhhh noooooo.

28. Alex Fucking Jones. Because he just can’t let a week go by without jerking off a gigantic wad of bullshit (awwww, he loves my list and just can’t resist!), heeeere’s Alex, proving once again just what a trashy trainwreck he and his right-wing conspiracy coffeehouse really are.

29. Jared Fucking Wyand. Because #19, who’s somewhere to the right of Mussolini, “isn’t going far enough” by calling for stochastic terrorism against (alleged) Jews. Yes, really.

30. Jerome Fucking Corsi. Yaaaaaay, more trashy trainwreck from the Swiftboat Right! Aaaand back under your rock you go, Jerry.

And finally, to these fucking imbecilesses at Davos, who thought Donnie had somehow done something to merit their admiration. Mesdames, he has done nothing of the sort, unless you actually LIKE getting your pure, moralistic, evangelical, bible-thumpin’ pussies groped by some reeking vulgarian with stubby orange fingers covered in stale burger grease. Has all that blond hair dye eaten your brains? Well, I’ve got news for you: Jesus is not going to give your presidunce, or YOU, any “mulligans”. He’s going to give you all the same treatment he gave the moneychangers in the temple. For your collective sakes, I sure hope you like cats-o’-nine-tails!

Good night, and get fucked!

Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, it’s been just over a year now since Donnie took office like a kid with his fat little fingers in the candy jar, and the verdict is in: He can’t president for shit! He lies chronically and pathologically, he cheats, and before you know it, Robert Mueller will have all the hard evidence (required for impeachment) that he also steals. The government has shut down as I begin this list, and the women are uppity again. And that, I’m sure, was just the fun part. The not-so-fun part follows, in no particular order:

1. Mike Fucking Pence. Yeah, remember him? Donnie’s second-in-command? If you ever wanted to know just how good a Christian he is NOT, check out how he reacted when criticized (with every right) by a gay figure skater who hasn’t forgotten when Mikey used to be all about that anti-gay conversion “therapy” (note the quotes, there for a reason). And then remember how Mikey is also all about covering Donnie’s lying, cheating, thieving ass, RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. PS: And this isn’t helping, either. PPS: And neither is this.

2. Patrick Fucking Meehan. Remember when the Repugs were all about those good ol’ family values, personal responsibility, fiscal responsibility, etc.? Yeah, I’m sure HE does, too. Why else use taxpayer money to pay off a sexual harassment settlement, i.e. HUSH MONEY? PS: Ew, ew, EW.

3. Diane Fucking Black. Blame Obama for something that happened a year after he left office, and more to the point, was done by the same band of obstructionist jackasses (including YOURSELF) who made his eight years in office so hellish? At long last, “lady”, find a new refrain to sing.

4. John Fucking Gray. Single women are somehow lesser because of how we’re “walking”? Um, NO. How about teaching men to walk the husband walk, for a change, instead of the Perennial Bachelor Even When Married walk? (And no, Ciara, marrying is NOT “leveling up”. Because if, God forbid, your husband ever cheats on you…how is that “up”?)

5. Scott Fucking Simms. Once more, with feeling: CANADA IS NOT A THEOCRACY. YOU CAN HOLD ANY OPINION ON ABORTION YOU LIKE, BUT YOU DO NOT GET TAXPAYER FUNDING TO JAM YOUR OPINIONS DOWN OTHERS’ THROATS, OR FOR ANY SUMMER JOB WHERE YOU HAVE TO LIE TO OTHERS ABOUT A SAFE, LEGAL MEDICAL PROCEDURE. (Sorry for the ALL FUCKING CAPS SHOUTING, but some people really are hard of hearing.)

6. This fucking coward in the Pepe the Frog hoodie, who thought it was a cute idea to put up white-supremacist stickers during the Women’s March, but somehow his White Pride™ failed him when it came time to stand up and let his pudgy white face be identified. Sorry I couldn’t name him, but I can still shame him!

7. Ryan Fucking Zinke. Is it too soon to start calling him Crooked Ryan and chanting “Lock Him Up”? No? Oh good, because from now on, that’s what we all should do.

8. Elle Fucking Darby. Yes, I’m aware that it’s the Age of Influencers™, that PR is king, and that paying is for peons. Nevertheless, your social media reach (which is really below mediocre) isn’t going to be paying anyone’s bills, as the hotelier you tried to hit up pointed out rather eloquently (along with his own social media reach, which somehow outstrips yours). You’re not entitled to anything free, other than maybe a kick in the ass. And no one cares if you’re young and just wanna have fun at someone else’s expense before you get all old and boring like the rest of the universe. Your schtick’s old already. And you might want to do your homework before deciding that someone else “needs” you to promote their place on your insipid Instagram.

9. Sue Fucking Peterson. Excuse me, but what part of the First Amendment do you not understand? Start again with the part about Congress making no laws respecting religion, and work from there. You are an elected official, and you have no excuses.

10. Mark Fucking Neuhoff. Hey Virginia Tech, you gonna do something about this turd? Because he’s really starting to stink the joint up with his Nazified fumings. Flush the damn toilet already, and don’t forget to wash your hands! Nazism is not just gross, it’s fucking contagious.

11. Roger Fucking Wicker. The US gummint shutdown may be over now, but I bet the teenage girl pages of the House were not exactly happy to hear that news…not least of all because now they’d have to be dodging THIS guy all over again.

12. Kevin Fucking Swanson. If a fictional romance between a woman and a sea creature spells “the end of civilization as we know it”, your civilization is built upon SAND. Just sayin’.

13. Tom Fucking Kawczynski. “Pro-white” is not racist? Au contraire, mon frère, it has never been anything BUT racist. And if you’re against bringing in people from other cultures to the US of Amnesia, you might want to go the fuck back to Poland, where YOUR ancestors came from. I mean, if you’re gonna be insular, be really fucking insular. Go big AND go home. Capisce? PS: Aaaand buhbye! Ha, ha.

14. Tony Fucking Perkins. When the hell were you ever “kicked around” by Barack Obama and his so-called leftists? Other than at the ballot box, which is fair and square in a democracy? I think you’re giving Donnie a lot of leeway because he caters to all your bigotries, including the racist one that dares not squeak its name. Otherwise, why forgive him for fucking a porn star and paying her hush money?

15. Lamar Fucking Alexander. Throwing a talking stick across the Senate chamber because you don’t like being told to wait your turn? What are you in, kindergarten?

16. Terrie Fucking Butcher. Look, I get it…not everybody likes Tupac Shakur. I’m not a fan either. But I don’t whip out any racist slurs at him, or his music. Then again, I don’t live in Alabama, where shit like this is apparently still considered normal.

17. Sarah Fucking Huckabee Fucking Sanders. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how awful you have to be to make Rosie O’Donnell’s list of the damned. Congrats, Sarah, and keep up the (cough) good work.

18. Natalia Fucking Martinez. Oh look, another cute little white girl saying “nigger-nigger-nigger” on her fake Instagram account. And she thought no one would find out, or exact any consequences, like, oh, say, ostracizing her at school. That’s so cute, Nat! You’re out, Nat! Don’t let the door hit your little white ass, Nat!

19. Credell Fucking Calhoun. And again, as with #9: What part of the First Amendment don’t you understand? Yeah, I know it’s Mississippi, and sometimes a black Democrat’s gotta go along to get along, but this is fucking ridiculous. And UNCONSTITUTIONAL.

20. Lara Fucking Drumpf. Honey, you’re a fine one to go calling other women dumb. You married a hideous idiot for his old man’s money. Don’t go throwing rocks at what you don’t understand. Remember, pussy grabs back. And you are just one small part of what they’re marching against.

21. Larry Fucking Nassar, AGAIN. No, dude, those young women who denounced you aren’t “scorned”. And they’re not after any “attention” OR “rewards”. They don’t want you, and they don’t care if you wanted them or not. All they care about is seeing your lying, molesting, rapey ass go to jail and stay there, where it fucking belongs. Capisce?

22. Jack Fucking Posobiec. Oh surprise, Nazi Jacky Boy is also looking to cheat on his wife! These far-right-wingers and their wholesome Family Values are, as always, the biggest hypocrites. As for what’s smallest about them, it’s a toss-up between their hearts, their brains, and in the case of the cis males, their gonads.

23. Trey Fucking Gowdy. Oh lord. Remember how, last week, I jokingly wondered what he was doing for an encore since “Benghazi, Benghazi, Benghazi” is now over, over, OVER? Well, it appears we have an answer, and that answer is: He found a whole ’nother way to make an ass of himself. Figures, figures, FIGURES!

24. Michael Fucking Oren. You think Ahed Tamimi is an actress? And you think we’ll think she’s an actress, too? Oh dude, you’ve been eating Tide-pod sammitches, haven’t you?

25. Courtland Fucking Sykes. You want to come home to a home-cooked dinner every night, eh? Well, dude, instead of expecting women to do it for you, how’s about you learn to work a crockpot and a bread machine? That’s home cookin’ too. Oh, and do us all a favor while you’re at it, and DON’T FUCKING BREED. The last thing any girl child needs is an oaf like you for a father.

26. Ron Fucking Johnson. Sir, please put on this conical cap and go join #23 in Dumbass Corner. Thanks.

27. Jason Fucking Kenney. Oh, so you say you’ve learned from your mistakes as a member of Harpo’s government? Funny, but all those anti-choicers circling around your UCP table for scraps and bones would put the lie to THAT contention.

28. Patrick Fucking Brown. Meanwhile, in Ontario, THIS happened. And just think, he can’t even use the old “I was drunk and didn’t know what I was doing” excuse! Who says there’s no God?

29. Kent Fucking Hehr. And while we’re at it, score one more for #MeToo on a federal level…and strike one major douchebag from Cabinet. (Jesus, he even looks like the kind of guy who you’d most suspect WOULD do that.)

30. Gavin Fucking McInnes. Racist said a racist thing, referring to a racist book? And the conservative channel he said it on tried to cover it up for him because it would make THEM look bad, too? BUSTED! The Internets never forget. Ha, ha.

And finally, to dear ol’ Donnie himself. Does anyone seriously believe he’s all of six-three and only 239 pounds? Does anyone seriously believe he’s not a racist, not a Nazi, not stupid, or not a cheater, not a crook, or really not anything that he’s gone out of his way, time and again, to show that he is? If you believe a word that comes out of his mouth, you are complicit in what he’s doing. And there’s just one thing I have to say to you:

Good night, and get fucked!