News of the Restless

Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy one to Donnie, who is once again MIA (and a cowardly fuck) as a disaster is about to strike the coast of Texas. It’s almost enough to make one nostalgic for Dubya and ol’ Drownie Brownie, isn’t it? Well, don’t be; remember Katrina? That’s what’s promising to happen to Texas too, now. And in the realm of not-so natural disasters, we have, in no particular order:

1. Bryan Fucking Zollinger. I’ve heard some real doozers when it comes to false-flag conspiracy theories around Charlottesville, but really — blaming Barack Obama? He was nowhere near the spot. How about blaming those who were actually responsible — far-right Drumpf supporters?

2. Allen Fucking Armentrout. Yeah, surprise: Confederate cosplay and saying Robert E. Lee was a “great American” has consequences! And getting flipped off by a woman is only the beginning. Good luck getting a job, BTW.

3. Keith Fucking Lipiec. Oh sure, fly a Confederate flag over a construction site in Hamilton…ONTARIO. For shits and giggles. Because racism and slavery are such a joke, amirite? And if you lose your job over it, no biggie, eh? Shits ’n’ giggles, right? Ha, ha.

4. Jim Fucking Bakker. If God was so mad AT the Obama years, why wasn’t She mad DURING the Obama years? And how could Obama have “invented transgenderism” when it has existed as long as humanity itself has done? I have so many questions.

5. Jax Fucking Taylor. I have no idea who this dude is, but he sure smells like a two-bit gigolo to me. Dude, there are entire websites and Twitter hashtags dedicated to slut-shaming half-naked dudes. Has it ever occurred to you to, you know, NOT BE A DOUCHEBAG?

6. Malcolm Fucking Turnbull. Posters that lie about LGBT+ people are just part of a democratic debate? Nuh-unh, dude…nobody gets to “debate” away others’ basic human rights. Especially not with false statistics.

7. Tiffany Fucking Drumpf. I don’t know how the hell one spends $100,000 (US) on car rentals in Italy, but apparently she does. And I have no words.

8. Ally Fucking Miller. Whatsamatter, snowflake? Can’t show your face in public since you’ve outed yourself as a white supremacist? So much for White Pride! I guess that imaginary white shame you were so busy denouncing is now a self-fulfilling prophecy. And ironic as all hell.

9. Katrina Fucking Pierson. Slavery is “good history”? Only if you’re on the side of the slavers. For everyone who was NOT a slave owner, however, it was an unmitigated disaster.

10. Louise Fucking Linton. Who you callin’ “adorably out of touch”? As a matter of fact, honey, ordinary people HAVE given more to the US economy than you or your husband — or indeed, both of you leeches combined. They are the makers, you are the takers. Their unpaid wages and foreclosed mortgages paid for your collection of Birkin bags. Don’t fucking tell me you “earned” those overpriced trinkets by selling your self-published book-o-lies…or by sexually servicing Steve Fucking Mnuchin. (The latter, I’ll grant, is a self-sacrifice of sorts, but it’s hardly something to brag about.) PS: Too late, stupid, your damage is done. PPS: Care to explain this, Madame Antoinette? PPPS: Ha, ha, ha!

11. Martin Fucking Shkreli. Can you say “petty”, boys and girls? Good. Now say “More jail time for Pharma Bro.” Very good!

12. Pamela Fucking Geller. Bawww, is widdle snowflake upset that Paypal finally banned her? DIDDUMS! Also, those “leftists running amok” in pre-war Germany? A lot of them were Jews. But then again, this is the leading self-hating Jew we’re talking about here, so don’t expect much logic from her.

13. Ayla Fucking Stewart. Bawww, is widdle snowflake upset that the Mormon church finally came out against racism? DIDDUMS! You can quit pretending now that you’re doing it for your kids, because everyone knows that racists are the most supremely selfish people there are. Why else would they hate anyone who didn’t look like them?

14. Rick Fucking Joyner. White supremacism is Obama’s fault? Uh, dude…learn some history. And learn exactly when the KKK was founded. You’ll notice that Obama wasn’t even born then.

15. Nathan Fucking Cooper. Why?

Because dental care and abortion care are not interchangeable, as much as he’d like to switch their places. They are both healthcare, and both should be paid for by taxes. There is nothing crazy about that. THAT’s why. But trust an Alberta conservative to get it all mixed up. If these guys were bright, they wouldn’t be conservative!

16. Phil Fucking Ryan. A Confederate statue is not private property. Nobody is justified in using force to prevent it being torn down. It is a public monument, and if the public decides it should no longer be there, it should no longer be there. See how simple that is? And see how wrong you are?

17. Graham Fucking Carlise. If you’re going to ram protesters with a car, ram them with your OWN damn car, you big-mouthed coward.

18. Heather Fucking Taylor. Any teenage girl larger than a size 2 looks “fat” if she wears leggings? Um, NO. Internalized misogyny much? Or are you trying to give them all eating disorders?

19. Jerry Fucking Travone. See what happens when you let your hate flag fly? You lose a lot more than just your shit.

20. Mike Fucking Duffy. It’s been a while since I listed Puffy, but lo and behold, he’s wanking again. And this time, it’s all about how unfairly he was treated in the Senate spending scandal. Unfair, Mikey? No, I’ll tell you what’s unfair: Regular Canadians being on the hook for all your exercises in creative accounting!

21. Andrew Fucking Dodson. Oh, so you think any guy who wears khakis can’t be that bad, eh? Well, Hitler wore ‘em. And he was also big on chants of “Blood and Soil” and blaming the Jews for trying to destroy and replace white people, which you were apparently able to do without batting an eyelash and wondering if you were one of the racists. (Spoiler: You totally were, and still are.)

22. James Fucking Cameron. “Sarah Connor wasn’t a beauty icon”? Tell that to all the women who knocked themselves out trying to get Linda Hamilton’s impressive arms and chiseled jawline for themselves, you old fool. And thanks so much for the macho “character” standards, too.

23. Scott Fucking Baio. Chachi, Chachi, Chachi. Why are you and your thin-skinned wife such disingenuous shit-asses? PS: Ha, ha.

24. James Fucking Cobo. Threatening vehicular homicide on Facebook? That’s a paddlin’. Or in your case, a job down the drain. Whining about how no one can take a joke, though? That’s fucking hilarious.

25. Jason Fucking Kenney. No, dear, Teh Ghey is not contagious. But coming out of the closet just might be. So it’s no wonder he won’t be showing up at Calgary Pride to talk LGBT+ rights.

26. Rob Fucking Tracy. So, who’s to blame if you can’t read a clearly posted price list on an ice-cream truck? Certainly not the vendor who threw the cone that hit you in the back, no matter how much you kvetch about how it could have blinded you if the pointy end of it hit you in the face…which it didn’t. Nope, you were apparently blind already. Can’t blame the ice-cream man for that!

27. Michael James Fucking Holt. No, killing people won’t get you laid. At ALL. Nobody loves a gun-obsessed white supremacist kiddie-porn creeper, duh.

28. Kimberly Fucking Stidham. Racist memes are vile enough, but Toby Fucking Keith’s crap lyrics on top of it all? That’s a motherfuckin’ wank. A school principal should know better. (And should have better taste, too.)

29. Nick Fucking Wadien. Well, finally. A Nazi who admits (however briefly) that he is one! Too bad that’s about as honest as he gets. I’m willing to bet that the Muslim family he called “turbaners” did nothing to him at all, except appear within his line of sight. That’s apparently all it takes to set off a xenophobe.

30. Theodore Fucking Beale. A busted ass smear campaign that “communicates truth without necessarily being literally truthful in the details”? Sounds to me like lying…or, in the case of Teddy Boy, no doubt, it’s just “alt-truth”.

And finally, to the fucking Texas senators who voted against aid for victims of Hurricane Sandy, but who are awfully quick off the mark requesting funds ahead of the imminent arrival of Hurricane Harvey. Funny how your compassion only rears its puny little head when your voting constitutents’ necks are on the line. Calling you hypocrites would be a terrible insult to hypocrisy.

Good night, and get fucked!

Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy one to all the Internet tough guys who thought they could take their frog-worship trolling prime-time by cleaning out the tiki-torch section at their local Wal-Mart. Looks like that fascism re-branding effort is a rousing success. When even Germany is calling you a bunch of Nazis, and the descendants of Stonewall Jackson and Robert E. Lee have felt a need to denounce you and your inglorious cause, that might be a sign that you’re marching down the wrong damn road. And here’s who was on that road this week, in no particular order:

1. Andrew Fucking Anglin. Bad enough that this unloved little banty rooster decided to piss in the face of a sweet young woman who’s too dead to defend herself. But to stage a fake Anonymous takedown? Yeah, that’s a MEGA-wank.

2. James Fucking Allsup. A fashboy haircut and blood on his hands, not to mention bragging that he’ll be speaking at the “alt-right” rally in Charlottesville, where violence broke out when fascists attacked antifascists. Everybody he’s associated with is openly racist, and turned out to “defend” the statue of an arch-racist general who fought for the cause of slavery and has been an inspiration to every racist ever since. But no, noooo, of course there’s no proof that you’re racist, sonnykins! PS: Ha, ha. Look who couldn’t take the heat!

3. Richard Fucking Spencer. Oh, you could have killed the Antifa demonstrators with your bare hands, Dickie? Well, why didn’t you? Oh yeah, I forgot…last time you tangled with one, you got your fashy haircut knocked half off your empty little head. Plus you’re a total wuss who’s been running scared ever since, because you can’t bear to have your dowdy suit messed up. That’s why! PS: Ha, ha! PPS: Bawwwwwwk buk buk bk bk bk! Ha, ha.

4. Conrad Fucking Lariviere. You’re “a good guy who made a stupid comment”? Wrong. You’re a shitty guy who made an inexcusable comment. And, being a cop, you should fucking KNOW BETTER. Laughing at a woman’s murder is not a sign of goodness, asshole.

5. Alex Fucking Jones. Who’s responsible for the violence in Charlottesville? Everyone excapt who’s actually doing it, it seems. And Alex’s tinfoil is telling him it’s really DA JOOOOOOOOS!

6. Ted Fucking Nugent. Yeah, right. It was totally teh libruls that kept you out of the Hall of Fame, and not your talent (or distinct lack thereof). I mean, “Jailbait” and “Wango Tango” are just such deathless art, aren’t they?

7. Greg Fucking Abbott. Forcing half of Texas to buy “rape insurance” to cover abortion? Why no, that won’t destroy your career at all!

8. Roy Fucking Moore. “There are communities under Sharia right now”? Damn right there are…and they all have Ten Commandments monuments in front of their courthouses. That’s how you know they’re governed by religious zealots with not a reasoning bone in their bodies!

9. Omarosa Fucking Manigault. No, stupid, your black friends didn’t abandon you. YOU abandoned THEM by throwing your weight behind their political enemies. See how that works?

10. Andrew Fucking Auernheimer. So, “weev”, you think you’re gonna just covertly send Nazis to disrupt the funeral for Heather Heyer? You do recall that everything you say on the Internet is publicly visible, right? And that you can go to jail for inciting harassment and violence…right???

11. Justin Fucking Moore. And again with the white supremacists cheering for murders. Those people you call “communists” weren’t protesting anyone’s freedom of speech, they were using their freedom of speech to protest YOU. And of course, your bigoted ass is in an uproar about it, and trying to do the old “nuh-unh, YOU’re the racist” schtick. Give it up, Kluker mofo, that shit’s OLD.

12. Michael Fucking Cohen. Sorry, but merely posing for pictures with black people doesn’t mean you’re not a racist. Pro tip: Try supporting actual anti-racist causes instead. And get the fuck away from Donnie, he’s a turdpile of racist Kryptonite.

13. Christopher Fucking Cantwell. Cry, baby, cry. You’re all such big fearless machos until someone points out that your “free speech” is a call for violence and crime, and that it can get you arrested. You seriously thought you were immune to the law because you were white and Christian? Fuck your white Christianity, and fuck YOU. I’m laughing at your crocodile tears. I hope they throw you in a cell with the biggest, blackest, meanest guy they got. PS: Ha, ha!

14. Alex Fucking Michael Fucking Ramos. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how twisted you’ve got to be to think that being Puerto Rican somehow magically makes you any less of a racist than all those other white guys who beat up Deandre Harris.

15. Theresa Fucking May. Those who do not condemn fascism are in collusion with it. And since she refused to condemn Donnie, who in turn refused to condemn these oafs, well…draw your own conclusion.

16. Steve Fucking Bannon. In case you were wondering what Ginblossoms McNazihandjob thought of this past week’s ugly events, here you go. And on that note, here’s evidence that it’s time for HIM to go. PS: Oh, you want more statues torn down, Ginblossoms? Well, don’t worry. That can surely be arranged! If it’s not whole cities like Lexington and Baltimore doing it, it’s regular Joes taking the initiative. And it will sure be fun to see the Confederate side lose the Civil War all over again!

17. Gerry Fucking Butts. And that goes for you too, Ginblossoms’ Fluffer. Remember that old saying about lying down with dogs? Well, guess what you’re getting up with!

18. Melissa Fucking Francis. Pro tip: If you’re having THAT much trouble defending Donnie, maybe it’s time to throw in the towel and admit that he’s indefensible. Besides, do you really want him grabbing YOU by the pussy?

19. Dinesh D’Fucking Souza. Oh lordy, how long has it been since we last heard from HIM? And yet, it still hasn’t been long enough. Listen, dumbass: Those same Confederates whose statues you’re so touchingly weeping for would have enslaved you and your ancestors just for your color alone. They are not your friends. Why are you theirs?

20. John Fucking Dowd. Oh looky, another of Donnie’s lawyers has been caught with his pants down and his Confederate Nazi undershorts on display. What were the odds?

21. Derek Fucking Fildebrandt. Gee, it’s almost like this hit-and-run driving shit is some kind of trend on the far right, or something!

22. Jack Fucking Posobiec. Wow. He managed to scrape together six whole people, plus himself, to demand that a statue of Lenin be torn down? I’m sure that will have a YUGE impact at Seattle City Hall!

23. Yair Fucking Netanyahu. Welllll, doggie. Look who’s a racist AND A fascist. Like Bibi, like Baby, apparently.

24. Juan Fucking Cadavid. How big of a snowflake is he? Well, he had to cancel a Nazi-style book-burning. Which he originally planned in an effort to guard young, impressionable minds against “degeneracy” in the shape of “liberal, democratic tendencies/attitudes”. Won’t somebody think of the children???

25. Jarrod Fucking Kuhn. Oh, so you say you’re not a Nazi? That’s funny, you were marching in the Nazi tiki-torch parade, making Nazi salutes and shouting Nazi slogans. And now you’re all butthurt because people saw your photo, recognized you, and are protesting you where you live? Gee, why didn’t you think of the awful impression you’d make…BEFORE you made it? (Also, I could be way off base here, but I’ve never seen any random black dude doing the Nazi things that got you posterized. Just sayin’.)

26. Ezra Fucking Levant. Oh myyyy. Looks like someone’s having a banner week!

27. Faith Fucking Goldy. Fired by fascists for hanging wth Nazis? That’s quite an, er, impressive achievement!

28. Rodney Fucking Parker. Pro tip for all you ribfest country boys out there: Keep white nationalism out of your mouth. And off your Facebook. That is, if you still want gigs where you can wear your douchey cowboy hats. And another, just for good measure: Saying you’re an “objectivist” while defending a collective of white supremacists isn’t exactly convincing, either. And a third one? Okay, here it is: Don’t blame leftists and Antifa for the shit the far-right is stirring. It just makes you look dumber, if that’s even possible.

29. Tucker Fucking Carlson. It’s not enough for Bowtie boy to advocate vehicular homicide. He’s also trying to morally justify slavery by saying “so-and-so also did it”…and by extension, he’s justifying the whole inane business of erecting and keeping Confederate statues. And he’s not even from the south!

30. Nicholas Fucking Fuentes. Bawww. Did the big bad antifascists scare you out of college? Well, now you know how minorities feel when they see the KKK and the Nazis — oh sorry, the “alt-right” — invading their town. Oh sorry, I meant to say snowflake diddums!

And finally, to all the would-be Confederate revivalists out there. When you have even Mike Godwin saying it’s okay to call you Nazis, face it: YOU ARE FUCKING NAZIS.

Good night, and get fucked!