News of the Restless

Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy one to Donald Fucking Drumpf, who, against all odds, has just passed the hundred-day mark of his farcical presiduncy. And accomplished literally NOTHING he promised to do, although he certainly did stage one helluva big distraction with his MOAB in Afghanistan. Insane expense just to kill three dozen people? Mother of all Bozos, that’s our Donnie. And here are the rest of this week’s bozos, in no particular order:

1. Nigel Fucking Farage. Yes, HIM again. And this week, it’s his blaming the Borussia bus bombing on the Usual Suspects, i.e. MUSLIMS. When, in fact, it was the guys who should have been the Usual Suspects, i.e. NAZIS. You know, those white guys who think a lot like Nigel Fucking Farage!

2. Geraldo Fucking Rivera. Not content to merely jizz his pants on FUX Snooze over the MOAB-ing of Afghanistan, good ol’ Jerry Rivers decided to compound the wank by lashing out at John Oliver for skewering him. Oh, the sting of a top comedian having to do a battle of wits with an unarmed man!

3. Tiffany Fucking Drumpf. Yes, that’s right, El Donaldo Drumpfo’s lesser-known (and everyone says lesser-loved) daughter made the list this week. How? By praying. And by actually getting an answer from God…although I’m sure it was NOT the kind she had in mind.

4. Nikki Fucking Haley. Very good, Nikki, you noticed that they’re persecuting LGBT people in Chechnya! Now, what are you and your bossman going to do about all the LGBT people being persecuted (by state governors like yourself, among others) in the good ol’ US of Amnesia?

5. Frank Fucking Artiles. Apparently, the n-word (and various other racist and sexist slurs) is A-okay with him, even though he’s neither black nor a woman. Stay KKKlassy, Repugnicans of Miami.

6. Candice Fucking Jackson. Once more, with feeling: “REVERSE RACISM” IS NOT A FUCKING THING. Extra-help sections for minority students do not constitute “anti-white discrimination”, you fucking idiot blob of mayonnaise.

7. Matthew Fucking Heimbach. Whatever happened to Personal Responsibility? Oh, that. It flew out the window when white supremacists discovered they could just say “The devil made me do it” — and by the devil, they mean Donnie Drumpf.

8. Theodore Fucking Beale. And speaking of white supremacists, surprise! They’re not REALLY just trying to live a normal life, unmolested by all those criminal, violent Others. They’re all secretly (or not so secretly) pulling their puds (with tweezers) at the prospect of breaking some Other heads. And while they’re waiting for their chance to do it, they’re churning out prose that’s as turgid as their paunch-hidden micropenes.

9. Eric Fucking Drumpf. Waaaaa, why is everybody so mean to Daddy? Because Daddy is a boor and a bully, sonnyboy. And because he has one helluva spanking coming after 70+ years of being nothing but a spoiled, poopy-bum diaper baby. Now be off before somebody spanks YOU, too.

10. Benjamin Fucking Slade. Ladies! Do you want to marry a British baronet? Well, then, look no further…unless you’re trying to avoid a grotty old sexist poop who’s only looking for a young, impressionable, dirt-dumb breeder. In which case, hold out for a Percy Blakeney, because this old guy’s no prize. Much less a Scarlet Pimpernel.

11. Mike Fucking Pence. “Hey Kim Jong-un, an aircraft carrier is headed your way to blow you to King Dumb Come!” Good thing Kim didn’t fall for this one, because it was a psych. And a totally moronic one, too. PS: Macho Man act ain’t foolin’ no one. Dude, the whole world knows that you’re into some creepy fundamentalist version of #MasculinitySoFragile. Give it up!

12. Richard Fucking Spencer. Pro tip: If you want to appeal to potential “alt-right” suckers in the Deep South, don’t do it by dissing football…and especially don’t do it by dissing their team. No, not even “only” its black players! Otherwise, you just might get chased off a campus with your tail between your legs again, and that would be even more embarrassing than getting sucker-punched by an anarchist (and having your dumb, fashy haircut messed up in the process, not to mention being caught on camera looking like you’re gonna cry, ha ha).

13. Rick Fucking Perry. Are clean energy sources killing coal and nuclear, asks ex-gubnor Crotch Goodhair? Yes. Yes they are. And it’s a demise that’s long past overdue.

14. Andrew Fucking Anglin. Oh look, an antifascist got punched in Berkeley by a Nazi! Don’t crow, Nazi-nebbish…she was only 5’1” and 95 pounds soaking wet, and yet she still came out looking better for wear than your buddy, #12, did when one of the skinny antifa boys punched HIM. And wow, what big strong bullies you all are, picking on a tiny woman instead of someone your own size…like a fucking MAN. Yeah, I’m sure that’s gonna send all the weak, flimsy feeeemales running to your big, strong bully-arms begging for protection against thugs…except, alas, you guys ARE the thugs, and we’re all learning how to protect ourselves from YOU, so that we never become part of your dumb little teenage breeding stock.

15. Theresa Fucking May. She was never actually elected to be Prime Minister, and now that her beloved, precious Brexit is in trouble, she’s looking to change all that by calling a snap election and presumably consolidate her power. Never mind that the odds are good, given the current British political climate, that it could snap right back to hit her in the face.

16. Neil Fucking Gorsuch. Well, that went well…ramming his confirmation through in record time with the help of the “nuclear option”, I mean. Because it came just in time for Fascism Forever Boy to get pwned on his very first day on the SCOTUS…by a Jewish woman.

17. Doug Fucking Mortimer. Who? Oh, just some widdle menzer, writing at A Voice For (Only Some) Men, all butthurt that 7-Eleven is actively looking for female franchisees to award a franchise to for free, instead of just being an institutionally sexist “meritocracy” because PENIS. So he decided to make poopy all over the internet over the “injustice” of it all. Never mind that the call went out because the chain has a franchisee gender imbalance that it hopes to correct. No, it shouldn’t be corrected, because PENIS, BITCHEZ!

18. Mike Fucking Cernovich. Dude, you’re not being assaulted. You’re bumping into people because you’re too busy taking video selfies to watch where the fuck you’re going. Also, you don’t have “Gorilla Mindset”…you’re just a big fuckin’ wimp on steroids, like all the other fashboys.

19. Kellyanne Fucking Conway. Yeah, keep telling yourself that all the people laughing at you and your “alternative facts” are just “unhappy”, honey. That way, you’ll never have to go to the trouble of actually acquiring some fucking self-awareness!

20. Roger Fucking Stone. Little wonder Drumpf liked (and hired) Tricky Dick and Dubya’s old ratfucker-in-chief. They’re two gassy old fucking peas in a pod when it comes to harassing women and the media. Now, if only Twitter would suspend Drumpf as well!

21. Kendal Fucking Emery. I had literally no idea that Nazi Furries were even a thing, but apparently they are. And now their little shindig has been cancelled. Bow wow wow boo fucking hoo!

22. Sarah Fucking Palin. And speaking of oddly-dressed fascist doggie-doodles, Gubnor Quitbull showed up at the Shite House with Ted Fucking Nugent and Kid Rock (who???) in tow. And wearing what used to be a lovely crocheted pineapple tablecloth, too.

23. Kim Fucking Kardashian. No, you are NOT an avatar of the Virgin Mary. You’re some famous-for-nothing nobody who only got her name out there because of a sex tape. Now take your face off that candle and go back to obscurity whereyou belong.

24. Tomi Fucking Lahren. Well, well. Seems there’s a lot more to the White Grievance Cheerleader other than that she’s secretly pro-choice (which in itself was surprising, seeing how often she slammed “baby-killers” on her show). Turns out she’s a real diva who also likes heated butt-pads…so much so that she demanded that her office staffers warm them up for her.

25. Ann Fucking Coulter. Meanwhile, speaking of blond divas who are also white-grievance cheerleaders, how about her? She’s so rabid about her Freeze Peach that she’s coming to freeze peaches at Berkeley…even though they’ve vocally said no, no, FUCKING HELL NO to the Coultergeist. Guess some speech is just more “free” than others, eh?

26. Owen Fucking Labrie. Guess who just got denied a new trial in the hopes of clearing his not-so-good name? Yup…THIS GUY. You know, Little Mr. Senior Salute? The guy who thought date rape was just a lovely little private-school tradition?

27. Jeff Fucking Sessions. Actually, Jeffy-poo, Hawaii isn’t just “an island in the Pacific”; it’s a whole chain of them. And it’s also the 50th US state. It’s kind of appalling that a so-called attorney general doesn’t know that — but then again, this one got picked for his racism, not his brains, so how COULD we have expected him to? PS: And he doubles down on the dumbth. Stay KKKlassy, Jeffy!

28. Alex Fucking Jones. I’m sorry, but hearing the master of irresponsibility and disrespect chiding the media to be “respectful and responsible” in reporting that he strips to his undies in family counselling and rants about the “male virility” snake-oil he peddles on his stank-ass show just imploded my irony meter. I need to get my hands on a new one, and for that, I may have to get my hands on some of that snake-oil moolah that he rants about while stripping to his underoos in family counselling sessions. Did I mention that he strips to his underoos while ranting about his virility gunk in family counselling sessions?

29. Michael Fucking Reagan. Sue a woman just because you got a little horny? Dude, PLEASE. You don’t need a lawyer, you need five minutes in the bathroom with a bottle of Jergens to remedy that, and then you’ll forget all about her. And if you’re going to go babbling bullshit about low-cut tops, you should realize that the women on FUX Snooze were all ORDERED to wear those. And skirts that show a lot of leg. There were literally no pants in their wardrobes, you fucking idiot.

30. Paul Fucking Golding. Hey, stupid — MUSLIMS DON’T CELEBRATE TERRORISM. They celebrate, oddly enough, the same things you celebrate, like their cricket teams winning. Which was, incidentally, the real source of those celebrating Muslims you smeared. I guess an apology is out of the question, though, huh?

And finally, to the fucking fuckheads at FUX Snooze. I’d ask why it took them so goddamn long to fire Bill O’Fucking Reilly, but I have a fair idea as to why. And the reason is that sexual harassment and abuse were just built right into the corporate culture, from Roger Fucking “Jabba the Hutt” Ailes on down. I doubt anything’s going to be much improved by the advent of Tucker Fucking Carlson in Billo’s seat, though; he’s just more of the same old same old, only he’s a bit younger. Ah well. Enjoy your early retirement, Billo. You won’t be missed here.

Good night, and get fucked!