Conservative Politician Tips (or, How to Turn Canada Into the 51st State, Guaranteed!)

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Oh, if only their platform were this simple. Unfortunately, there’s a bit more to being a Tory politician in Canada than this. So, here’s Aunt Bina’s simplified guide to everything you need to know in order to make it as a right-wing politico today. Compiled from my tweets to #ConservativePoliticianTips, and with linkage added.

1. Always play to the xenophobe. Be particularly eager to paint immigrants as terrorists.

2. Scamming, shady sponsorship and bribery are all okay as long as you’re not Liberal, Bloc or NDP. (CK paraphrases: “Always bring up Adscam.” Good one!)

3. The liberal media is your enemy. Get your corporate buddies to set you up an all-con channel like FOX.

4. Canadians secretly crave US-style bully politics. Let no one tell you differently.

5. What’s good for the NRA is good for Canada. Or at least for YOU.

6. To catch young voters, talk a lot about Justin Bieber. Who is at least two years too young to vote.

7. Always be devious. I mean divisive. Er, I mean DECISIVE.

8. Urban = elitist, rural = oppressed by urban elitist. Never-fail formula for suckering the masses!

9. Victims of guncrime = SUPER-elitists, evil oppressors, gun-grabbing little Hitlers, etc.

10. Sweater vests will make everyone think you’re Mr. Rogers. Piano playing also an asset.

11. Four words–jet skis and wetsuits.

12. Think football–Fake libertarian, go authoritarian. That is, fake left, go right.

13. Play to petty regionalism. Screw the big picture.

14. Dangling the trinket of gun freedom will make everyone forget those fascistic G-20 arrests.

15. Always forget where you came from.

16. Whatever awful thing you do, always point the finger at the other guy and yell that he does it more. (Jymn paraphrases: “Know your weaknesses and attribute them to the other guy.” Thanks, Jymn!)

17. Mantra: “Think for yourself and FOLLOW ME!”

18. Everything old is new and hip again. Especially the Red Scare. (CK again: “Always grossly overuse the word ‘soshalism’ & make sure it’s interchangeable w/ Fascism!”)

19. Never, ever admit when you’re wrong. (Thanks again, Jymn!)

20. If female, sell out your sex; if gay, sell out LGBTs; if nonwhite, sell out your race.

21. To make it as a conservative politician, just do one thing–SELL OUT!

(And if you have anything else to add to the list, drop it in the comments slot below, please. Kthxbye.)

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Posted in Canadian Counterpunch, Isn't It Ironic?, Not So Compassionate Conservatism | 6 Comments

Short ‘n’ Stubby: Ms. Manx has Schadenfreude

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As my German mom would say, “Da lachen sogar die Katzen”–even the cats are laughing. And so am I, at these two flavors-of-last-week:

Remember Bill Fucking Keller, who made my wank-list a few weeks ago for maintaining an islamophobic church near Ground Zero? Well, he’s in deep financial shit, and reduced to begging for donors to cover a flop:

SPECIFICALLY, I AM ASKING GOD TO SEND ME 4 SPECIAL PEOPLE TODAY. FIRST, I NEED ONE PERSON WHO IS ABLE TO WIRE TRANSFER OF FEDEX $15,000 TODAY. THIS COVERS $15,000 OF THAT $20,000 WE STILL OWE FROM 2009 AND NEEDED TO BE PAID LAST FRIDAY. SECOND, I NEED ONE PERSON WHO IS ABLE TO WIRE TRANSFER OR FED EX THE $7,000 FOR THE 9-11 CHRISTIAN CENTER OPERATIONS LAST WEEKEND. THIRD, I NEED ONE PERSON WHO CAN COVER THE LAST $5,000 OF THE $20,000 FROM 2009. FOURTH, I NEED ONE PERSON WHO CAN COVER THE $7,000 FOR THIS WEEKENDS 9-11 CHRISTIAN CENTER OPERATIONS. I HAVE BEEN ON MY KNEES PRAYING TONIGHT FOR THE LORD TO SPEAK TO 4 HEARTS, AND FOR THOSE 4 PEOPLE TO BE OBEDIENT. IF YOU ARE ONE OF THE FOUR, CONTACT ME AT: bkeller@liveprayer.com AND I WILL GET YOU THE BANK WIRE OR FEDEX INFO YOU NEED. THANK YOU!

Gee. Do you suppose he got those “4 SPECIAL PEOPLE”? Maybe he’d be more effective at it if he took off the CAPS LOCK first.

Meanwhile, check out what’s going on with another islamophobic preacher:

The preacher from Gainesville who ignited a firestorm of criticism over his plan to torch 200 copies of the Quran says he wants to move his church to the Tampa Bay area by the end of the year, NBC affiliate WFLA reported.

He’s also facing a $200,000 bill for policing costs during the firestorm his plan created, The Gainesville Sun newspaper said. However, officials say they’re not sure they can force him to pay.

Teh Moolah: He no haz it. That’s why they might not be able to get it out of him. That’s also why he wanted to stage this Nazified book-burning; it was actually a fund-raiser.

Ms. Manx just put both front paws over her muzzle and let out a funny sound. I’m not sure, but I think it was a giggle.

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When psychotics psychoanalize a sane man

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Speaking from receiving-end experience, I know an effective therapist from a poor one. And the only thing that irks me more than amateurs playing shrink, is shrinks acting amateurish. Both together, though, drives me downright nuts. So when I saw this piece of crap article, titled “Psychiatrists put Chávez on the couch”, on a Spanish news site, I found myself irresistibly tempted to analyze an obviously piss-poor bunch of analysts. Crazy, huh? So, with no further ado, here’s my translation, with periodic interjections and analysis:

Mythomaniac, megalomaniac, fabulator, compulsive, narcissist, charismatic, seducer, envious, lacking in scruples. These are some of the traits Venezuelan psychiatrists attribute to their president, Hugo Chávez, who has been in power nearly twelve years, not counting “the missing ones”. And, despite the fact that no previous president has spent more than ten years in power, he is now on the road to running in the presidential elections of 2012.

In the meantime, he himself is directing the campaign for the legislative elections which will be held on September 26, much more than legal norms allow.

Right off the bat, you can see how the author of the piece cunningly lays her trap. The real issue is the Venezuelan parliamentary election coming up on the 26th, but she buries that in the second paragraph. Instead, she chooses to lead with misdirection: the (imaginary) personality faults of Hugo Chávez, duly constituted president of Venezuela.

Notice, too, that she wraps all Venezuelan shrinks in the same blanket. In this reporter’s little world, ALL of them think he’s crazy. And no one who thinks otherwise is allowed to get a word in, as you will see.

And of course, the lying starts from the get-go. Aside from the imaginary personality traits attributed to Chávez, there is the accusation that he’s committing electoral fraud by openly supporting his candidates for assembly seats. This is a lie. As leader of the PSUV, he is within his rights to support his own party’s candidates on the campaign trail; it would be crazy if he didn’t. In any other country, such campaign support would be a given. Why is it out of line in Venezuela? (Rhetorical question; the answer will come in due course.)

And oh yeah, as an aside, notice the other neat little bit of misdirection here: No mention at all of what the opposition leaders and candidates are up to. That’s because they’re all discredited relics from the Puntofijista/Fourth Republic past, and therefore bound to lose. For that reason, most have not even bothered to mount the most desultory campaign; those that have, are still lagging by double digits in the polls. Little wonder, then, that the hoary old “Chávez is loco” canard is being dragged out of mothballs yet again–he’s the only one showing signs of life!

But surely transgressing against established norms–such as heading the electoral campaign for his parliamentary candidates, abusing state resources, and turning legislative elections into a plebiscite–it’s another of his personality traits which is emphasized by consulted specialists–the need to call attention to himself.

“Specialists”–“consulted” by whom? Surely not Chavecito himself. These “consulted specialists” are nothing more than cheap political soundbite providers.

Notice, too, as the article goes on, that the charges of “abusing state resources” and “turning legislative elections into a plebiscite” are not backed up by the least shred of evidence. That’s because there isn’t any. Instead, the focus is on crazy, sexy craziness, in a masterpiece of misdirection…

“He’s a person who needs constant admiration; he shows preoccupation with his fantasies of power, seems not to understand the meaning of limitations, has no notion of proportion, thinks he is special or unique, there is no institution that deserves his respect, and requires excessive admiration, always in public,” says psychologist and psychotherapist María Bustamante.

María, María, María…he’s the president. He gets constant admiration because his policies are effective and therefore popular; no narcissistic “explanation” required. And he actually understands the meaning of limitations quite well; everything he’s done has been within the norms of the Venezuelan constitution. He even puts himself to a popular vote and wins! How narcissistic!

For insight into his conduct, you have to recall those days in February 1999, when Gabriel García Márquez wrote his famous article “The Enigma of the Two Chávezes”: “One, to whom unalterable fate offered the opportunity to save his country, and the other, an illusionist, who could pass into history as just another despot.”

Um, since when is a famous Colombian novelist a “consulted specialist”? He is NOT a shrink! Gabriel García Márquez, you may recall, is famous for his work in the field of fiction known as Magical Realism. And his “Two Chávezes” is more a work of poetic fancy than a literal interpretation of the personality of this leader, whom García likes, admires and politically sympathizes with, himself. I don’t think he would like to be read so literally as to be insinuating that Chávez is schizophrenic, or has a multiple-personality disorder.

Many would give him the Oscar for the best portrayal of a politician in Venezuela. He likes to invite Hollywood celebrities like Oliver Stone, Sean Penn and Danny Glover, who, like him, are members of the same profession: that of the politico-actor.

ZOMG histrionics! Actually, this is not such different conduct from that of his rivals and predecessors, all of whom cultivated celebrities–mostly local, occasionally foreign–with sympathetic views. What’s notable here, though, is that Chavecito’s support extends well beyond the usual vacuous beauty-queen contingent that trails the AD/COPEI crowd; the celebrities he attracts have reputations as the intellectuals of their field, and are extremely well respected worldwide, not just in Venezuela.

His vocation for the interpretative arts was born in the military academy, where he trod the boards in the theatre. Former director of budgets for the Ministry of Defence, Colonel Orlando Suárez, a former professor of Chávez’s, told ABC that “Once he played the role of General José Antonio Páez in an academy play. He has natural theatrical gifts, exacerbated by his narcissistic tendency, but before, he was shy and retiring.”

Colonel Suárez does not hold a very favorable opinion of Chávez, whom he trained in parachuting in 1983 and 1984. He recalls that Chávez “turned pale with fear when it came time to jump. He always looked for an excuse not to do it. He is a coward by nature.” In the military academy he was always in one of the last places in his class. “He failed his leadership course exam. He had to repeat the entire course to graduate. And he only managed it thanks to his family’s influence with ex-president Rafael Caldera.” Colonel Suárez considers Chávez “more ‘toasted’ “(crazy, in Venezuelan slang) than ex-president Abdalá Bucaram of Ecuador, who was expelled from power due to his “eccentricities”.

Hmmm. Why do I get the feeling that this former army officer is just bitter and envious of Chavecito, who retired from the military with the rank of a mere lieutenant-colonel himself and then went on to become president? Maybe he’s pissed that he wasn’t promoted to general, or chief of staff, or
some such; his words reek of resentment. There are so many inconsistencies and outright lies in his statements that it’s obvious he couldn’t keep his story straight. How could Chavecito manage to play the role of General Páez–a major revolutionary hero, and one of his leadership role models–while being “shy and retiring”? (Actually, that last bit is definitely bullshit; the pre-academy Chavecito is widely remembered, according to Bart Jones’s bio of him, as outgoing, full of fun, a hard worker, and fond of baseball and singing. And about as shy and retiring as a roaring waterfall.)

As for turning pale with fear when confronted with parachute jumping: Hell, who wouldn’t be? I’m sure plenty of others were green around the gills, too. No one is NOT nervous the first time they jump out of an airplane; it’s a great way to get yourself killed, and so much can go wrong even if you’re well prepared. It’s perfectly natural and rational, therefore, to be afraid. But apparently Chavecito mastered the art just fine, because he later got command of a paratroop regiment. You don’t get there unless you can jump, and do so fearlessly. Plus, Chavecito later survived an attempt on his life with real courage, and not an iota of cowardice. So yeah, I call bullshit on this one too.

And at the bottom of his class? In LEADERSHIP, of all things? You guessed it, bullshit. One thing that strikes me, every time I view The Revolution Will Not Be Televised, is what a tremendous natural rapport Chavecito has with his soldiers, and how easily he inspires loyalty in them. That’s not just charisma; that’s competence. Their loyalty, in fact, was what saved his life when the coupmongers imprisoned him on the island of La Orchila. You don’t get that by flunking in leadership skills training, much less getting your dad to exercise his pull with, of all people, Rafael Caldera, who was NOT president in 1983-4 (that was Jaime Lusinchi). And when Chavecito was in military academy, ten years earlier, Caldera WAS president, but Hugo Chávez Sr. was not exactly someone who had a lot of pull with him. In fact, he had none whatsoever, being a poor schoolteacher from the backwaters of Barinas. So yeah, once more with feeling, everyone: BULLSHIT!

Psychologist Bustamante emphasizes the “meritorious” and “caudillo” (petty tyrant) character of Chávez. He creates irrational expectations in order to be treated as someone special, to whom blind obedience is owed. “He turns everyone who thinks differently from himself into despicable enemies, and almost always talks from an elevated position and in a royal tone.” The most obvious aspect of his conduct is exclusion. “He is envious–and feels that others envy him–and has arrogant, holier-than-thou, haughty attitudes.”

Bustamante says that as president, he “displays changing and very superficial expressions, uses his physical appearance or costumes to call attention to himself, and has an excessively expressionist discourse style.”

Well, I’m sure María Bustamante would prefer someone colorless and bland, like Rafael Caldera–who, during his own second presidency, in the late 1990s, was obliged to appear in public and lay rest to rumors that he had died. (Yes, he was THAT boring. And sadly, that old.) But is she right about the blind obedience bit?

No. Chavecito actually likes to be challenged, and this is something that many who have worked with him have remarked on. He thrives on legitimate contradiction, even from his allies. He doesn’t want yes-men; he’s actively engaged with the needs of his people, and he likes to hear them out. That’s just one of the many reasons why he’s so effective and popular: He LISTENS.

As for appearances and costumes: He seems to have only two, both perfectly in character and not crazy in the least. One is the black pants and untucked red shirt he favors for everyday; red being the color of his party (and also the color that suits his own complexion best). The other is his military uniform and red beret, both of which he is still entitled to wear as commander-in-chief. This is “excessively expressionist”? I’d sure like some of whatever María is smoking, it might help me to fall asleep.

Eloy Silvio Pomenta, a professor of psychoanalysis and psychotherapy at the Central University of Venezuela, explained to us that, in an ordinary person, a character marked by narcissism has no power to cause much social disturbance. “But when it comes to a head of state in an important oil-producing country, who also possesses a great capacity for seducing and manipulating the masses, who has his own little intellectual court, and who attracts political and economic leaders who approach him with lucrative offers, the repercussions could be catastrophic.”

Pomenta mentions other narcissistic personality traits that Chávez suffers: grandiosity, exhibitionism, a feeling of omnipotence, fragile self-esteem (with depressive crises), incapacity to love (because all his affective capacities are concentrated on his own ego, he is unavailable to others), disconnection from reality, rage, and destructive envy when he is not getting what he wants.

Amazing how he can diagnose all that without seeing Chavecito on his couch on a regular basis! The man must be some kind of psychic. I see a brilliant future ahead for him on a 900-number phone line. But as a shrink? Nyet.

One thing that IS significant here, though, is the mention of oil. Remember I mentioned it earlier? That’s what this is really all about. They don’t like a competent, dangerously sane leader being in charge of all that oil, which was incidentally being sneak-privatized just before he entered office. Venezuelan oil has gone up in price, and that’s been all to the good of the Revolution, too. Previous presidents ran the national oil company into the ground, and were all for letting foreigners buy it–and them–out. Not so, Chavecito. He’s no sellout. Not only is he a savvy businessman, he knows how to make that oil work for his country, rather than just sending his country to work for Big Foreign Oil like so many of his predecessors–some of whom were REAL dictators. (Google Juan Vicente Gómez and Marcos Pérez Jiménez, in particular, and you’ll see just what I mean.) I’ve never yet seen a dictator who could take oil money and put it into hospitals, schools and loans to entrepreneurs, instead of just his own pockets and those of his cronies–have you? Yet this is what Chavecito does on a regular basis, and quite happily. It’s called “sowing the oil”, in Venezuela, and it’s something the people just love him for doing–that is, if they’re not displaced former incompetent PDVSA execs.

And now, for something truly comical:

According to psychiatrist Luis José Uzcátegui, author of “Chavez, the Wizard of Emotions”, the leader “has become trapped in a totally outdated psychological structure. I’m referring to Fidel Castro, which is something catastrophical. No country can function with such backward schemes.”

He adds that several of Chávez’s traits “are contagious” to his acolytes and followers. “The important thing is that these psycho-political processes are unfolding according to a scheme we’ve already seen: high spending and inefficiency.”

On January 15, Chávez officially declared himself a Marxist, though he said he had not read a book of Karl Marx in his life. If he had said so eleven years ago, few people would have voted for him, and he would not be in Miraflores Palace today. His “21st Century Socialism” project, which Fidel Castro called communist last month, was rejected in the referendum of 2007, but he keeps at it, come what may.

“Therein lies the danger. There is a type of socialism which is only for antisocials. They invent a socialism of their own to keep themselves in power. Chávez exercises a modern dictatorship, tailored to the times,” Uzcátegui says.

Isn’t that hysterical? Once more, the old guilt-by-association thing rears its bedraggled head. Only, as usual, it stinks and won’t wash. Fidel Castro has been vocal in praise of Chavecito’s democratic way of doing things, and while Cuba has benefited from mutual interchange with Venezuela under the ALBA treaty, it’s not as if Venezuela has turned into another Cuba or is in danger of doing so. Everything about Bolivarian Venezuela so far has been very democratic, and very distinctly different from the Cuban revolutionary course.

Moreover, the author of this piece is lying about Chávez declaring himself a Marxist on January 15; I think I’d have made note of it here, if that were the case! It would be awfully hard to miss something like that. And without having read Marx? Shenanigans! He read Marx, actually, early on in his military career, after having found an abandoned, bullet-riddled car that had once belonged to some leftist guerrillas. The trunk of the car was full of musty old Marxist literature, which he removed, cleaned up and stashed in a personal library which he and his army buddies later used as they began to organize their Bolivarian military movement. But while Chavecito may draw some of his information and inspiration from Marx, he is emphatically not a Marxist.

And no, Fidel didn’t call the Bolivarian revolution “communist”, either; I think I’d have heard of that, if he did. Nor was the revolution rejected in 2007; that was just one vote for term-limit reform, which was later put to another vote and passed. Just more stupid shenanigans on the part of our shoddy journalist.

And now, finally, we arrive at the nut (pun intended) of the whole matter:

The social-democratic party, Acción Democrática (AD), tried in 2005 to accuse Chávez of insanity, which, according to the Constitution, could be a cause to remove him from the presidency, but neither the Supreme Court nor the Attorney General would hear the case. Not long before that, in 2002, the then president of the Venezuelan Psychiatric Society (SVP), Franzel Delgado Senior, alerted the country to the personality problems besetting Chávez.

In a statement to ABC, Franzel accused Chávez of leading a kind of cult, “a movement which exhibits an excessive devotion to a person, idea or thing, which uses unethical techniques of manipulation to persuade and control; designed to achieve the leader’s goals.” He concludes: “Psychopaths are very afraid of actions against him. They talk about assassinations. They don’t like that he is called a dictator. But I don’t see him as ultimately democratic. I see him as being like any other other dictator.”

Isn’t that hysterical? Five years ago, those corrupt, discredited old Adecos tried to get Chavecito removed from office on the grounds of insanity, and their efforts failed. Now, five years later, they’re trying again. I guess they expect a different result this time. Well, if that’s not the functional equivalent of insanity, I don’t know what is. Good thing they’re not in power and never will be again; they’d have to be removed, to a man, because they’re all lunatics.

And if you don’t believe me, watch AD party leader Henry Ramos Allup and listen to him talk:

As the Robertos point out, he’s quite the one for rages and insults, histrionics, egotism and just about everything else the Adecos accuse Chavecito of. For that reason, I have to say that these psychiatrists–amateur or otherwise–who are trying to diagnose Chavecito as insane are…wait for it…PROJECTING.

And yes, projection is just one of many signs of real insanity.

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Posted in Crapagandarati, Huguito Chavecito, Isn't It Ironic?, Under the Name of Spain | 10 Comments

Short ‘n’ Stubby: Oompa Loompa doompa de doo…

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Ms. Manx has recommendations for you…

First up, the sharp-eyed good folks at Palingates have unearthed some interesting dirt on the Paliness’s alleged pregnancy with Trig. I say “alleged” for a couple of reasons–one, she didn’t look pregnant when she was supposedly expecting him (and this, mind you, was a woman who’d been big as the side of a barn with all her previous children). She didn’t act it, either, flying to conferences at a time when any normal pregnant lady’s nesting instinct–and the advice of her physician against air travel at the final stage of a high-risk pregnancy–should have kicked in. But the most interesting–and telling–bit? She couldn’t keep her own story straight! Go read, and see for yourselves.

Next, Tbogg has some fun stuff on Christine O’Donnell, the teabag who’s gonna lose November’s race for a senate seat in Delaware. How on Earth did such an idiot get voted Republican candidate for the seat, anyway? I’m guessing Delaware Repukes didn’t get any prior information on the then pre-candidate. None. And that’s including her “dabbling into witchcraft”–complete with a vaguely described midnight picnic on a bloody satanic altar, ooh-ahh. (This Witch calls shenanigans; we don’t even HAVE a Satan, much less do blood sacrifices to him or anyone, let alone have a giggly widdle picnic on the altar afterwards.) But that’s teabaggery for you; it’s not about substance, it’s about image, and cute, bible-thumping brunettes with no brains and a dubious school and work record are the It Girls right now–just ask Half-Governor Palin.

And finally, to explain how all this came about, go to Salon and read this. I think David Sirota just about nails it when he writes,

We instead tell ourselves that by joining the cartoonish pseudo-events, we will magically defuse pressing crises — even as our participation in those pseudo-events allows those crises to fester.

Bingo. And part of that participation is voting for the cartoonish idiots–or going to their churches.

And that concludes the broadcast day, Mike Teavee.

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Music for a Sunday: For Christine O’Donnell, who doesn’t approve this sort of thing

Yes, there’s a theme going on here. See if you can tell me what it is…

First up, Cyndi Lauper (she’s SO unusual!):

Next, Tweet discovers something sweet:

Then, a very slinky Pink, covering The Divinyls:

And finally, one from Serge Gainsbourg, recommended by my francophone tweep Jipim:

So. Have YOU figured out the theme here yet?

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Wankers of the Week: This amusement never ends

I wanna be your sledgehammer…or better still, just take it to a few of these wankers’ kneecaps:

1. Silvio Fucking Berlusconi. There’s a lot of wank packed into this one nasty, brutish and short package. Take your pick as to what offends you most: Hitler jokes, homophobia, or rotten life advice for young women, it’s all bad. But just for the hell of it, I’m gonna go with the last, because it’s still being done (with no greater success than ever) in this “enlightened” age. Yeah, marrying an old fart for his money is really great–remember your long-suffering soon-to-be-ex-wife, you old figlio di puttana? She didn’t think your money was worth the shit it came wrapped in. There’s the REAL life lesson for the girls: Whatever Da Berluscoglioni tells you to do, ladies, DO THE OPPOSITE.

2. Sarah Fucking Palin. Oh, what’ll it be this week? The Statue of Liberty wank? The “mole” wank? The I-hear-voices wank? The caught-in-bed-with-Rand-Paul wank? The I’m-not-really-a-hunter-but-I-play-one-on-TV wank? The accusing-Obama-of-treason wank? Take yer pick. Even with Christine O’Fucking Donnell supplanting her in the wank department this week, the Paliness still managed to generate plenty of stoopid.

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3. Natalie Fucking Gonzales. Dollar Menu attracts too many hippies? No problem–make it a buck fifty and presto! Shaggy strangers disappear because this bait ‘n’ switch is suddenly too rich for their blood. Of course, it should go without saying that REAL hippies, who care about nutritional as well as dollar values, don’t eat at McDonald’s anyway.

4. Glenn Fucking Beck. He’s pissed as hell that he has to donate what he raised at his 9-11 floppapalooza to the charity he promised to donate it to…but he’s still got the gall to beg his brain-dead followers to buy him a fucking Mercedes. He also wants us (no doubt meaning women) to go home and bake pies. (Yes, really.) Oh yeah, and he also thinks fat people should be left to die. Well, I hope he gets his wish. And I hope Rush Fucking Limbaugh gets it, too.

5. Nicolas Fucking Sarkozy. If the media report embarrassing (but true) things about you, persecute the media! Gee, just imagine if this happened in Venezuela instead of France. Only, you know, that doesn’t happen in Venezuela, where the media are reduced to making awful things up because Chavecito doesn’t oblige them with anything really-truly terrible.

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6. and 7. Newt Fucking Gingrich and Dinesh Fucking D’Souza. Oh, if only His Barackness DID have a “Kenyan, anti-colonial” worldview; it would make for much smoother international relations, and would remove all motives for future terrorism to boot. Instead, he’s got these two fucking idiots to kowtow to get all “bipartisan” with, and the rest of the world is doing a collective facepalm watching the spectacle.

8. David Fucking Grisham. He tried to burn a Qur’an on 9-11, but was stopped by a skateboarding hero named Jacob Isom. Nothing could be cooler than to say to a wanker what this guy did: “Dude, you have no Qur’an.” And nothing could be cooler than for him to hand the book in question to a local imam, who I’m sure was very happy to see the wanker go home empty-handed.

9. Christine O’Fucking Donnell. Oh joy, another dumb brunette. Well, why should blondes have all the fun? This one is even worse than La Palin. First this teabag displaces a long-standing Republican incumbent, well known for his genuine class; now she’s all triumphalist. Only problem is, there’s ample video evidence from waaaaaay back that she has a barely functioning mouse brain. (Also, she can’t write lit crit for shit.) Moreover, she is destined to lose; her Democratic opponent is polling double digits above her. Two more months of this stupid, lying piece of shit, and then the US can scrape her off the bottom of its shoes and have done with it.

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10. Jeri Fucking Thompson. I stand corrected regarding #9. Way to reclaim that title for the blondes, Jeri!

11. Kory Fucking Teneycke. And while we’re on the subject of stupid, lying right-wing shits who will soon be scraped off the soles of countries’ shoes, how about this one? He tried to play dirty US-style Freeperville politics with Avaaz’s petition to stop FUX Snooze North; he got caught. Now he’s resigned from FUX Snooze North (which as yet does not exist), citing a conflict of interest. Ya think? The conflict is, his ass got caught forging signatures to try to discredit a legitimate petition–on behalf of the federal Conservatives, for whom he STILL works, however unofficially. The conflict is, he’s an epic fail as a Tory crapagandist. The conflict is, this channel–already unwanted, rejected b
efore birth–is going to be even more unpopular, thanks to his Nixonian shenanigans. That’s Kory’s conflict–it’s a conflict with the most basic of Canadian values: peace, order, good government–and oh yeah, HONESTY.

12. Pope Ratzi the Fucking Nazi. There’s a major flaw in his “atheists are like Nazis” theory. Well, two, actually, if you count his own Hitlerjugend membership. It’s so bad, even the Hindus were offended on the atheists’ behalf, Ganesh bless them.

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13. Michelle Fucking Malkin. Anyone who’d cite Ezra Fucking Levant (whose lies have been yanked, for legal reasons) as a “must read” is a must-have-shit-for-brains.

14. John Fucking Bolton. Yes, he’s still harping on the nonexistent “Venezuela threat”. The only REAL threat that country poses is to set an example North Americans will want to emulate. Much to the chagrin of nobodies like the English Sheepdog, no doubt.

15. David Fucking Barksdale. He’s not the only reason Google is now officially evil, but yeah, he’s just one more scruffy, skeezy piece of flotsam from the underbelly of the beast. And he’s one more reason I’m glad I never had a Gmail address.

16. Karl Fucking Rove. He grovels to the Pigman AND the Mousewoman? Wow, who knew that Bush’s Turdblossom Brain was such a fucking wuss underneath it all? (And, more to the point: why didn’t the Dems attack him while the attacking was good, knowing that?)

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17. Ann Fucking Coulter. You can tell a lot about a person’s character just from the kind of following they attract. Mine tends to be literate, educated, politically very-liberal-to-leftist, thoughtful and charming. The Coultergeist’s? Uneducated, semiliterate, asinine, antisemitic–and that’s just the nicer ones. I’m sure they gravitate to her for any number of reasons, none terribly savory. But what would I know? I’m just a humble prog-blogger who attracts a lot of nice, intelligent, thoughtful, well-educated people. (And the odd wanker who can’t resist outing themselves here every week. I take that to be a cry for help.)

18. Ezra Fucking Levant. Lying about anyone, in any way, is pretty damn stupid. Lying in print, about someone with mile-deep pockets, like, oh, say, George Soros? Suicidally idiotic. But guess who did it? Yep, Canada’s prize idiot himself. What a great satisfaction to see him backpedal for a change; would be better not to see him fuck up like this in the first place. PS: Hey, Ethical Oil Boy, would you like some fries with this?

19. Anthony Fucking Cramer. Do you think he’s got “mom” issues? I certainly do…

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20. John Fucking Baird. Slagging the “Toronto elites” for their anti-gun stance is pretty damn rich coming from someone who was born and educated there (in an elite private school, no less!), as was his equally anti-“elitist” boss. Well, one good thing is bound to come out of this: no one in Toronto, which has not sent a Conservative to Parliament since 1993, is ever gonna vote SupposiTory again! Neither is anyone in Montréal, for obvious reasons. And given that the majority of Canadians are city or town folk, and even in rural areas a majority are, with good reason, in favor of sensible gun controls (as opposed to the senselessness of no controls at all), well…let’s just say that it’s looking better and better for a progressive coalition, if only the opposition parties could get their goddamned act together and get the right message out.

21. Phyllis Fucking Schlafly. Support my unmarried ass with your withered lips, you hateful hag. Oh, and about that “national defense” thing? Tell it to the Military-Industrial Complex, they’re laughing all the way to the fucking bank. Maybe if you washed that ancient lacquer out of your hair, your brain might get some oxygen for a change.

22. Stephen Fucking Harper. A liar? Slap my mouth! Damned if he isn’t a big fat one after all. (This, of course, surprises no one, not even the First Cat.)

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23. James Fucking Powers. And the entire Pennsylvania Department of Homeland Security, come to that. Justifying their senseless boondoggle’s existence by selling out environmentalists to natural-gas drillers? That is one low fucking blow. Also just one more proof, in case you needed it, that corporatism and fascism are one and the same, just as Mussolini said.

24. Bryan Fucking Fischer. If he’s gonna go saying the things he goes around saying, I think he needs to do the following: Prove that he’s been in the military; prove that he’s not inbred; demonstrate exactly how being gay is “domestic terrorism”; and stop stoning the fucking whales!

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25.
Geir Fucking Haarde.
See what happens when you refuse to regulate, and just let banks have their way? You get financial collapse, a fallen government, and lawsuits everywhere!

26. and 27. Larry Fucking Black and Joel Fucking Fox. When you work for Joe Fucking Arpaio, the World’s Worst Sheriff, misconduct goes with the territory. So does getting suspended when the public has finally had enough of your collective shit.

And that’s it for this week. Any of you wankers out there across the pond feel like outing yourselves here tonight? Or are you done with trolling? Either way, my signoff to you remains the same as it ever was:

Good night, and get fucked!

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Quotable: Helen Keller on activism

‎”I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do.”

–Helen Keller

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Festive Left Friday Blogging Too: Chavecito on Venezuela’s Jews

This should lay to rest any residual bullshit about Chavecito’s so-called antisemitism. Here he is, on Yom Kippur, talking about Venezuela’s Jews and how they fit in to the multi-cultural, multi-religious mix of Venezuela:

The last part is especially lovely. He tells how he was approached by an elderly Jewish man who’d survived Auschwitz and lost his entire family. He came to Venezuela, not Israel, looking for a new homeland. He found it, and feels very much at home.

Shabbat Shalom, Salaam Aleikum, Pax Vobis–as VTV’s Walter Martínez likes to say every Friday night on his news show, Dossier. Everyone belongs in Bolivarian Venezuela. And no one is persecuted.

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Posted in Festive Left Friday Blogging, Huguito Chavecito | 12 Comments

Festive Left Friday Blogging: Just for laughs

Look! Chavecito made a funny:

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Urgh, that was a groaner. But not without a grain of truth…

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“Nothing to Celebrate”–a bicentennial rap for Chile

Ricardo Cien has a scathing musical indictment for a country turning 200. Here are the lyrics:

Today Chile turns 200 years old

200 years old

Where many have given their lives

to make this place worthy

of equality, fraternity and social justice

But others only left behind hatred,

misery, hunger, shame

giving away natural resources

to foreign businesses

the same that exploited us for 200 years

the same that conquered us 500 years ago

We the exploited are fed up

And we have nothing to celebrate

CHORUS:

You who are fed up with the same

fairy tales, heroic deeds, oddities

Your blood is boiling, you’re enraged

You’re almost at your limit

seeing the riffraff still on their thrones

because they inherited the reins of power

You’re sickened by the lies

from the sons and grandsons of those same people from

200 years ago

You’re aware of the past and the present

Celebrate, celebrate

while your president lies

200 years have passed

Things haven’t changed much

The same foreign surnames

are still running the game

This song is a call

to all the people, women, children, youths,

students, indigenous people, workers.

To those they lie to on television

about the celebration

let’s celebrate

abuse, deception, corruption

or not having the right to an education

university is a far-away dream

for the children of construction workers.

You who are tired of fighting against the current

This is for you, to whom El Mercurio lies every day.

You who voted for the businessman and are sorry.

You whose blood is burning

seeing how they lie to the ignorant because they’re poor and don’t have education

to the most unconscious for not having a better sight of reality

to the most individual for thinking only of themselves and not the others

to the idiot who thinks everything is just right,

who doesn’t criticize, never proposes changes, and unfortunately thinks that’s normal

(CHORUS)

You who are a woman and whose rights have always been violated

in a country controlled by sexist macho men

You who are a boy and live in La Pintana

whose sister is 13 and probably already pregnant

Your dad’s in jail, your mom does other people’s laundry

in a little village called Las Condes

where there are kids like you but who get milk to drink each morning

You who are discriminated against for having AIDS, being gay or a hooker

You who are sick from food that others don’t even get to taste

You who are indigenous and have always been treated like trash,

your culture spat upon, with so much censorship

while the state protects the guy with the surname “German”

and let’s hope they don’t charge you as a terrorist who helps baddies

666, pact with Satan, 666

To you who have no bread, to you whose history professor

lied to you with books by Gonzalo Vial

To you whose house was raided, who were threatened, they robbed you and fled,

to you whom they killed in life

You who have a child who’s fucked up on cocaine paste

You who don’t get justice

because that’s for those with money,

let’s hope you have enough money

to get to the end of the month.

You who are old, your pension’s a misery

let’s hope you don’t get sick again

because you don’t have money for the clinic, after all

(CHORUS)

To you who they treat like a nut for thinking differently

You who live in the street.

You who dream of winning the lotto

to get out of DICOM one day

while your senator makes $10 million

and you have 10 million problems

You who were forgotten after the earthquake

You who live in the country with the worst wealth distribution

You who are a miner and a fisherman and who work for a misery

You have nothing to celebrate

the way your fucking president celebrates!

Translation mine.

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