News of the Restless

Wankers of the Week: The Massacre of Bowling Green, Part D’oh

Posted on February 10, 2017 by Sabina Becker

Crappy weekend, everyone! And welcome to the ongoing terror that is the Massacre That Never Happened. But hey! Who needs facts when you’ve got “alternatives”, right? Better to go through life dumb, scared, and paranoid out of your skull than work with the Universe as it really is. And on that note, here’s who’s taking that creed to heart on every level, in no particular order:

1. Rona Fucking Ambrose. Hey, remember her? Yeah, that’s right…she criticized the Trudizzle for vacationing on the Aga Khan’s island. Well, guess where she was doing it from…a billionaire’s yacht, just off an island. What was that old saying again about glass houses?

2. Jim Fucking Bakker. Oh sure, all those “rotten little girls” who marched against Drumpf were possessed by a demon, all right…and its name is INTELLIGENCE.

3. Michael Fucking Wolff. Fact-checking Drumpf is somehow “making the media the story”? No, it’s making his lies the story. As it should be. So that the common folk can finally get their heads out from under the steady gush of brainwash, it’s absolutely vital. Which reminds me: Why DID you lick Bannon’s gin-blossomed ass, anyway?

4. Kellyanne Fucking Conway. Let go of the Bowling Green Massacre? Why? When it’s such an inexhaustible source of comedic fodder, just like your Paddington Bear ensemble? And when you and your Alternative Facts™ are such consistent winners of the Flaming Pants Award? PS: Ha, ha! And a ha, ha, ha. How about NO?

5. Melania Fucking Drumpf. Girl, stop trying to sell shit on the White House website. In fact, stop trying to sell shit anywhere. You’re violating the Emoluments Clause something awful! PS: And nice of you to not show up to meet your Japanese counterpart, either. Do you want this job or not?

6. Nigel Fucking Farage. Does anyone besides me find it hinky that he’s still claiming to be happily married while spending all his time in a “bachelor pad”, with a much younger woman no less, and away from his German wife, who’s quite up-front about their marriage being over in all but the legal sense? No? Well, then, does anyone find it hilarious that he got pelted with eggs while helping his UKIP successor campaign? Because I sure as hell do.

7. Marco Fucking Rubio. Hey! Remember him? Promising to “check and balance” Der Drumpf? Well, guess what. He took a whopping wad of dinero from none other than Drumpf’s new secretary of miseducation, Betsy Fucking Bismarck DeVos — in exchange for confirming the unqualified idiotess. Well, I guess that cheque improved his bank balance considerably, but other than that, it’s making no fucking difference at ALL!

8. Sebastian Fucking Gorka. Well, finally, someone admitted it. The whole “fake news!” mantra coming incessantly from the Orange Anus is nothing but a ploy to get the media to come on board and start kissing ass. Someone forgets that that is most certainly NOT their job — and that they won’t be cowed into doing otherwise! PS: And no, you are not an expert at anything, much less an expert witness.

9. Lance Fucking Wallnau. But hey! If it’s ass-kissers #8 wants, this one is more than happy to oblige. No doubt he’s hoping for a rain of money — oh sorry, MANNA — from “heaven”, where the God-Emperor sits on his throne in the Oval Office, tweeting illiterate drivel all day and scribbling his scribbles on whatever executive orders Herr Bannon has drawn up today!

10. Mike Fucking Huckabee. Meanwhile, in Arkansas, the most useless Fuckabee in the world is cracking humorless “jokes” about a brutally murdered trans man. Who, even in death, is a better and truer man than this sorry excuse for one.

11. Bernie Fucking Satrom. Spend Sunday mornings making Dear Hubby breakfast in bed, and then taking the kids out for a walk so he can eat it and have a wank undisturbed? Hey Bern, the Fifties called. Said they want their archaic values to stay right there in the past, thankyouveryfuckingmuch!

12. Vernon Fucking Laning. And while we’re on the subject of archaic values: does your wife appreciate you making unfunny “jokes” at her expense, Vern? And when did you stop beating her, if I may ask?

13. Michael Fucking Flynn. “Putting Iran on notice”? With empty threats? You sound like the scrawny kid in the schoolyard, waving his fists at the girls and threatning to beat them all up, just to impress the school bully. Knock it off, already.

14. Jim Fucking Jordan. The media fails to report acts of terrorism? No, they report them just fine. The problem is that they tend not to call them terrorism if the terrorist in question is white, home-grown, Christian, and possibly even a fascist. Then, they only report him as a “deranged gunman”. But that’s not what you’re talking about, is it? Nope, you were making with the Alternative Facts™ there again, eh sparky? I gotcha.

15. Thomas Fucking Massie. Ever wonder what the appointment of rich, one-woman wrecking ball Betsy Fucking DeVos was really meant to accomplish? This asshat spells it out loud and clear. It’s the destruction of the 37-year-old federal department of education…simple as that. They’ve been angling for this ever since Jimmy Carter instituted it.

16. Sean Fucking Duffy. White terrorists are “different”? Yeah, they’re different, all right. The law and the media both seem to be far more willing to indulge them, coddle them, even pity them as just isolated, “one-off” offenders (even when they clearly aren’t). And Repug congresscritters and their orange thug president, too. Why is that, I wonder? PS: Ha, ha!

17. Rahm Fucking Emanuel. Wanna know why the Dems keep losing, Rahm? Well, your “strategy” is a big part of that. Now is not the time to “take a chill pill”. The fascists are in the henhouse, and they’re already killing the chickens right and left. And the reason it took so long to get this low is because this losing strategy has been in place long enough to let it. Time to chuck it…and YOU.

18. Sean Fucking Spicer. Again with the “unreported” terrorism! And this time, it happened in Atlanta. No, it’s not the Olympic park bombing, or the bombings of the gay nightclubs and women’s clinics by Eric Fucking Rudolph. No, it’s some other figment of white supremacy’s overactive imagination. AGAIN.

19. Joe Fucking Manchin. Why did he vote for the most racist attorney-general candidate ever? Because his daughter is currently being investigated by the Justice Department. And Jeff Fucking Sessions will have the power to stop that. And now you know why his Wikipedia entry reads TRAITOR.

20. John Fucking Cornyn. And while we’re on the subject of Jeff Fucking Sessions — did you ever hear an oilier, oozier beatdown of an upstanding woman in your life? UGH.

21. Lindsey Fucking Graham. And sticking to the same subject, and the shameful way Elizabeth Warren was treated for challenging it…there’s this little shit, who thinks she was “long overdue” for silencing. Because apparently, being a woman and speaking out against racist idiocy is a crime against humanity!

22. Orrin Fucking Hatch. And still we persist on this topic, because there’s just so much wankery attached to it. This time from the “think of his wife” crowd-of-one. His wife is probably just as much of an inbred racist shitweasel as Jeff Fucking Sessions himself. Why would she bear thinking of, while the widow of Martin Luther King does not? And what the fuck does “being a gentleman” have to do with ANYTHING?

23. Dave Fucking Daubenmire. Okay, enough of Shithead Sessions. How about Illumnati Jewish Lizard People conspiracies, and a nobody who thinks this is a great way to give Alex Fucking Jones a run for his money…and competition for the tinfoil-hat sector?

24. Suzanne Fucking Venker. No, the “natural state of woman” is NOT to “be the beta in marriage”. Marriage isn’t natural, you fucking idiotess!

25. Donald Fucking Royce. Because it wouldn’t be a wankapedia without Florida Man…showing #24 and all the world how being the “alpha” in a marriage is realllllly done.

26. Randy Fucking Stoker. No, social media did NOT rape that 14-year-old girl. A pedophile who thought he was entitled to sex with underage girls did. And it doesn’t matter if he has Internet access or not — he’s going to find victims regardless! Fucksakes, Judge, do you need to be hit on the head with your own gavel before you see sense? Oh wait, I see you DO.

27. Briscoe Fucking Cain. Trans women are NOT “dudes walking around in dresses”…and the reason that was “not a problem” when you were younger is because you come from a hick village where everyone is related. Now fuck off back under your rock.

28. Paul Fucking Dirks. Speaking of people who don’t understand trans women and should fuck off back under their rocks, how about this preacher-man from BC? He thinks he can tell women who real women are, and feminists what real feminism is? Dude, stop trying to rebrand your hate as “love”. That shit didn’t go well for the KKK, and it will not work any better for YOU. Face facts: Trans women are using female washrooms, and will continue to do so. The only people who molest women in the toilets, as it turns out, are cis men. Like YOU.

29. Mike Fucking Erwin. And speaking of hate that can’t be rebranded as “love”, how about Hizzoner here, with his Jim Crow manners and his explicit use of the N-word? Just how long HAS it been since Rosa Parks sat in the white-folks’ section of the bus, anyhow?

30. Marine Le Fucking Pen. Anyone buying her “non-European country” excuse? Everyone knows she just wants to ban JEWS.

And finally, to Donald Fucking Drumpf, again. I hear that the whole business of being in office is starting to wear on him. Good, because I don’t want him to get comfortable in there, EVER. I don’t want him to get off scot-free from questions about his loyalties, his integrity, or his business interests. I hope the shitstorm doesn’t stop until he gets carted out of there in restraints, or he rage-quits…whichever makes the “alt”-Reich cry harder in their Coors. Frankly, at this point, I don’t care which, as long as he’s fucking GONE, and SOON.

Good night, and get fucked!

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Nazis: Too stupid to live? You be the judge.

Posted on February 10, 2017 by Sabina Becker

So there’s this young guy in Georgia whose terrorist plot blew up in his face — alas, only figuratively — when this happened:

William Christopher Gibbs, a white supremacist from Georgia, drove himself to the hospital after exposing himself to the deadly toxin ricin, which is a deadly poison extracted from castor beans. It only takes small amounts to kill – in its purified form, only a few granules can end a life.

The FBI is now investigating Gibbs after discovering traces of the substance in his car and on his hands. “It turned out to be Ricin. I think it was all contained inside his vehicle, just a small amount of something I think he had been experimenting with. It was inside his vehicle and somehow he claimed he had exposed himself to what he made, got scared, and went to the hospital,” said Fannin County Sheriff Kirby.

[…]

While the full story is unclear as of yet, we can add two and two together. Gibbs was experimenting with extracting ricin for whatever heinous purpose, got some on himself, panicked, and ran off to the hospital. He is now being held in Fannin County jail, where he is charged with “reckless conduct and probation violation.”

Reminds me a bit of the old German saying: Der Fuchs ist schlau und stellt sich dumm; der Nazi macht es andersrum. (The fox is smart and plays dumb; the Nazi does it the other way ’round.) This little punk-ass thought he’d be clever by making ricin. He ended up scaring himself shitless, and getting his mommy’s house swarmed by government agents in hazmat suits.

It’s a wonder his own stupidity hasn’t killed him yet.

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Wear the Bern!

Posted on February 8, 2017 by Sabina Becker

Meet the latest unlikely fashion icon:

Yes, it’s Bernie Sanders. And his reaction to the Balenciaga “Bernie” line is adorable and priceless.

And wow! Who knew that I was so fashion-forward? I’ve been wearing ratty old oversized sweats and hoodies for DECADES.

Damn, I’m such a hipster, I was a hipster before hipsters were hipsters.

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Thanks a lot, Trudizzle.

Posted on February 7, 2017 by Sabina Becker

Can you believe this guy? Get a load of our Dear Prime Minister’s ~~lame excuse-making~~ flawless reasoning for deciding to keep the old first-past-the-post system so many of us are disgruntled with…

Trudeau never liked proportional representation. While these types of voting systems tend to prevent a political party from obtaining the majority of the seats with a minority of votes — something Trudeau’s Liberals and former Conservative prime minister Stephen Harper have recently enjoyed — proportional representation also tends to create conditions for more political parties and coalition governments. The prime minister and those around him believed it could cause a “total mess” in Canada, give an “alt-right party” representation, and create more regional parties that would further split the country apart.

Newsflash, Justin: We already HAVE an “alt-right” party. It’s called the Conservative party, and it’s been in bed with the Nazis ever since the Reform Party boogied with the Heritage Front. That was in the early 1990s, for those keeping track. It’s now leaning in that general direction again, what with at least two leadership candidates openly trying to clone the fascist-courting success enjoyed by a certain Cheeto-dusted buffoon from south of our border.

We’ve also had regional parties — right-wing and crypto-fascist all — ever since Social Credit became the Reform Party, became the Saskatchewan and Wildrose parties, became…well, actually, we’ve had them since the Parti Québécois. So that’s already there. For a good four fucking decades now. Most Canadians can see through all of them, and are sick and tired of their idiotic shenanigans, which first-past-the-post has conveniently enabled. But let’s just ignore all that and raise the spectre of what already fucking exists so we can keep the power we’ve grown accustomed to, and which we’ve gotten our hot little hands on in the “good” old-fashioned way, eh Justin?

Meanwhile, let’s also ignore the warnings from this Bad German in our midst, the little red-headed socialist Cassandra who keeps reminding everyone that Germany also once had first-past-the-post. In 1933. And we all know how THAT worked out for them, eh?

Fortunately, we also know what kept that from happening to Germany again. And it involves “keeping bad parties out” by directly forbidding one particular type of party. It also, interestingly, involves proportional representation. Both of which they’ve had since the end of World War II…and both of which continue to serve Germany well to this day!

PS: There is a petition, by Nathan Cullen (NDP-Skeena/Bulkley Valley) here. It’s Canadians-only. But if you can, please sign…and share!

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Is Der Drumpf illiterate?

Posted on February 7, 2017 by Sabina Becker

David Pakman sure seems to think so…

…and he’s got me wondering as much, myself.

Now, I’m not sure who “the Canadian police” he’s referring to are. Is it a police force in a specific Canadian city, e.g. Toronto? A provincial police force, such as the OPP? Or the RCMP, which operates on a federal level (and also serves remote locations and municipalities too small to afford their own police forces)? It could be the Canadian Association of Chiefs of Police. The document he’s referring to appears to be this one here.

Anyhow.

He’s quite right that Drumpf gives the impression of being barely literate, if not functionally illiterate. He (Drumpf, not Pakman!) acts confused, often befuddled, and seems to be trying desperately to cover it up, when asked to read something. He makes a lot of transparent excuses (the “glasses” one being the most obvious: when has anyone seen him wearing glasses, even cheap drugstore reading glasses, ever?) And the fact that Drumpf has been ever keen to sell himself as a master dealmaker, even after repeated bankruptcies and losses in the billions, certainly reeks of a cover-up, too. Something even his monstrous ego can’t quite stretch far enough to hold in.

Now, no one is saying that a POTUS has to be the smartest person in the world. They don’t have to be a genius (although I’m sure a higher-than-most degree of intelligence doesn’t hurt!) They don’t have to be in possession of multiple doctorates. Some, in fact, have remarkably little formal schooling! So we’re not talking intellectual gigantism here. We’re not even talking about the kind of hyperliteracy demanded of an Ivy League law grad, either. We’re talking about a basic, functional degree of literacy. The kind required for most joe jobs. Or to read and memorize the Gettysburg Address. Does he even have that?

Frighteningly, the answer appears to be NO. He doesn’t even have the patience to mouth along with a hymn sheet in church, as the video above indicates. Something like that would require basic literacy. He might be bored out of his skull, he might not even know how to fake the tune…but he could at least mouth the words. He doesn’t.

And there is evidence that he doesn’t even read the executive orders he signs — the ones drafted not by himself, but by Steve Fucking Bannon, his white-supremacist chief of staff. The one who actually finagled himself the position by making it an executive order, and then handing it to Drumpf to scribble his illegible John Hancock under. Drumpf sure does like to make a show of parading his ability to sign papers…but anyone can do that. Even a little kid who doesn’t know how to print, never mind write cursive, will do it. Or at least go convincingly through the motions of doing it.

Unfortunately, being a little kid in a big man’s suit is not presidential. Merely looking the part isn’t enough. To govern a country, you have to be competent enough to at least read whatever the hell you’re signing off on. And that’s a bare minimum. A person who can’t even manage that isn’t fit for the post, and must be removed from office before any more damage can be done.

And in Drumpf’s case, a great deal of damage has been done already.

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Posted in Canadian Counterpunch, Der Drumpf, Fascism Without Swastikas, Isn't It Ironic?, Isn't That Illegal?, The "Well, DUH!" Files, The United States of Amnesia, The WTF? Files | Comments Off

Music for a Sunday: Der Drumpf sings!

Posted on February 5, 2017 by Sabina Becker

He LOVES the poorly educated, y’all! (Because who else would knowingly vote for him?)

And don’t forget this classic, which makes a helluva lot more sense than actually hearing him jabber:

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Wankers of the Week: The Massacre of Bowling Green

Posted on February 3, 2017 by Sabina Becker

Crappy weekend, everyone! And hats off to whoever photoshopped that old book cover. It’s little wonder that the original is selling out all over the Internet, because President Gas is President Gas again. And nobody even likes Big Brother. And little wonder. With so many AlternativeFacts™ flying fast and furious, there’s no time even for a cup of Victory Coffee. But there is just enough time to poke one’s head above the cubicle wall and hurl something at the telescreen…and here’s who’s got me hurling this week, in no particular order:

1. Nick Fucking Kouvalis. Oh, look at who went around calling everybody else a “cuck”. It was only a matter of time before Kellie Fucking Leitch’s press flack showed his true, troglodytic, neo-fascist colors, eh? PS: Oh, looky here. Look who’s no longer her press flack! Whose press flack will he be next?

2. Kellyanne Fucking Conway. No, you don’t get to fire reporters. Especially when they actually do their JOBS. And no, their job is not to blow sugar up your lying ass…or your boss’s, either. PS: What’s this? Martyrdumb? Suck it up, buttercup, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet!

3. Bibi Fucking Netanyahu. He’s actually proud of his apartheid wall. And he doesn’t care that anyone broke their Shabbat peace to criticize him for it. So much for Israel being a Jewish state with Jewish values, eh?

4. Travis Fucking Kalanick. Work with Drumpf? Especially as scabs, when the taxi drivers’ union refused to do so? How about NO? In fact, how about HELL NO? Especially considering that Uber has been lobbying for industry deregulation for years now. Fuck that noise. Taxis forever, Uber never!

5. Stephen Fucking Miller. The Muslim ban was meant to “keep out bigotry” from the US? Doesn’t look like it’s doing that good a job. It’s actually exacerbating that from within…especially among the right-wing extremists of the border patrol. PS: Ha, ha. Looks like stereotypes hold true. This guy was the biggest dweeb in high school. And I’m not surprised! PPS: And what have we here? Correspondence with another known neo-Nazi on this list (#9, to be exact)? Yuppers!

6. Ivanka Fucking Drumpf. Why?

That’s why. Parading in crumpled tinfoil while the world burns…and while refugees are struggling to survive. PS: Buhbye! Ha, ha.

7. Sean Fucking Spicer. He’s really on a roll this week, isn’t he? Defending the detention of 5-year-olds, because little kids scaaaary; claiming the majority of US-Americans agree with Drumpf’s Muslim ban, because those big protests aren’t happening; defending Boss Man Drumpf’s non-recognition of the Holocaust, because Jews so pesky; and most hilarious of all, retweeting the Onion and admitting that his job is to misinform you all. PS: And for a prime example of that misinfo-pimping, here you go. You piece of motherfucking shit, Sean. You’re using a white supremacist terrorist to push your boss’s Muslim ban? You can fuck right off. PPS: And fuck right off with this, too.

8. Daryush Fucking Valizadeh. Y’know, I’m really starting to believe that “Roosh V” ain’t nothin’ but a closet case. Because no one is so zealous about proving how truly-not-a-gay-guy he is…as a truly gay guy. Problem is, no one — gay guys or straight women — wants to sleep with this god-awful basement-dwelling troglodyte. EVER.

9. Richard Fucking Spencer. Why?

Because Muslims have a right to live here, you fucking piece of shit. And if you want to get sucker-punched again, you just keep talking. The Internet is taking notes.

10. Steve Fucking Mnuchin. No, of course he’s not a rubber-stamper of foreclosure notices…except that he totally IS. For maximum profit, natch.

11. Philip Fucking Pizzo. Pardon me, Father, but aren’t Catholics supposed to be AGAINST suicide? Then why are you counselling people whose politics you dislike to commit it, even as a “joke” (which, by the way, is a lame excuse)? BTW, being politically involved with fascism is also a sin. Not that it stopped a lot of asshole priests in the Spanish Civil War and in Nazi Germany and Fascist Italy, but yeah, it’s a sin.

12. Ezra Fucking Levant. Doesn’t it just so figure that this putz would be trying to drum up cash using the Québec City terror attack? Only — ha, ha — the Internet won’t let him get away with it. Those meddling kids!

13. Scott Fucking Baio. Would you like some ointment with your giant cup of Starbucks, Chachi? Because from where I’m sitting, those bruises on your ass look painful. Hahahahahahaha.

14. Ted Fucking Cruz. The chief obstructionist under Barack Obama is now kvetching about…wait for it…OBSTRUCTIONIST DEMOCRATS. Oh, the irony, how it doth BURN.

15. Donald Fucking Drumpf, Jr. Welp, guess Diaper Don (and that fucking asshole he retweeted) didn’t get his wish, because the Québec shooter turns out to have been a right-wing, white, sexist/racist/xenophobic fan of his old man (and probably also a listener to the same trash-talk radio the retweeted asshole babbles on). Maybe Junior would be better off staying off the tweeter…and that goes triple for his old man and the trash-radio hosts who love him.

16. Justin Fucking Trudeau. Yes, much as it pains me to add our lovely and charming Trudizzle to this list, add him I must. Because he reneged on a rather important campaign promise, for one thing. And for another, because he’s not upping the number of refugees allowed in, even though there’s a crying need for it now that that fucking orange buffoon/behemoth (buffoonehemoth?) to the south of us has actually crammed through an actual fucking Muslim ban.

17. Sebastian Fucking Gorka. Yes, by all means, dismiss all concerns that your big orange boss-man’s Muslim ban will turn into a brilliant recruiting tool for terrorists. I mean, it’s not like that’s ever happened before, right?

18. Milo Fucking Yiannopoulos. Yeah, squawk your empty head off about the left being “fearful” of free speech. Seems they’re exercising theirs rather effectively against you, and YOU are hiding from them!

19. Kellie Fucking Leitch. You want to call freedom of speech a Canadian value? Very well, then. Canadians are gonna stand up on their hind legs and use their Canadian values…AGAINST YOU.

20. Steve Fucking Bannon. What the actual fuck? Did he really just declare that Oceania has always been at war with Eastasia? Not quite…but it sure sounds to me like he just declared war against CHINA.

21. Myron Fucking Ebell. Right-wing stink tank says WHAT? Sounds to me like he’s lumping all environmentalists in with terrorists. Probably because that’s exactly what he’s doing, the little projecting shit.

22. Cameron Fucking Bartkowski. So, what does an (apparently unvetted) Australian white-nationalist candidate do with his spare time? Wank like a demented ‘roo over all manner of racist, misogynist, and even trans-misogynist porn. Whatever else?

23. Matthew Fucking McConaughey. Finally, an out-of-touch Hollywood elitist has been located…and it’s one who thinks we should “embrace” the mad king-wannabe who has seized the White House. Matty, I liked you better when all you did was smoke pot, dance around in the buff and play the bongos all day. Could you go back to that again, please, and let the grownups talk impeachment?

24. Peter Fucking Roskam. How do you know a Repug is lying? His lips are moving. And how do you know he’s up to no good? When he bars the media who are there to report that his lips are moving.

25. Jason Fucking Kenney. Do I smell an opportunist? Why yes, I do! Unfortunately for him, though, the internet doesn’t forget what he sounded like BEFORE those six Muslims got gunned down in Québec. And consequently, neither does this wanklist!

26. Kevin O’Fucking Leary. Meanwhile, in another part of the Con-centration Camp, we have this piece of shit. Who thought it would be quite the lark to post a video of himself firing assault rifles on the day of the funeral for three of the six victims mentioned above. Arlene was right about him. He is a narcissist of the worst kind.

27. John Fucking Barrasso. Oh shit, man, stop shilly-shallying and just admit it: You right-wingers LOVE it when mentally unstable people get guns. Not only because it puts more money in your gun-lobbyists’ pockets (and by extension, yours), but also because it causes suicidal depressives to take themselves permanently off the welfare rolls, AND it enables the Nazified types to wreak havoc and keep anyone to the left of Hitler in a permanent state of terror!

28. Dan Fucking Adamini. And speaking of guns and other awful things right-wingers love, how about this weasel-faced git? Yeah, he loves what the National Guard did at Kent State. Why? Because he thinks that Freeze Peach is more important than professional trolls taking responsibility for their words and their own damn security; he’d rather the state become a thug’s right arm than a servant of the people. And because he’s a fucking piece of shit with a trash-talk radio show, so OF COURSE he’s all about that Freeze Peach.

29. Gavin Fucking McInnes. Oh fuck, he’s styling himself a “comedian” now? When he’s only funny by accident, like if he tumbles drunkenly down some metal stairs, or maybe when someone lands a well-timed punch upside his head? Jayzus.

30. Neil Fucking Gorsuch. Okay, so neither of this fucker’s wanks happened this week, but they’re both pretty egregious. Take your pick: will it be the “juvenile” membership in the “Fascism Forever” club which he founded at prep school, or the not-so-youthful wankery of declaring a botched execution to be, and I quote, “innocent misadventure”? And just think, kiddies, this walking Backpfeifengesicht is Drumpf’s first SCOTUS pick. Let’s also make it his last. PS: And oh yeah, also there’s his university yearbook entry, showcasing said Gesicht:

And finally, to Der Fucking Drumpf. You know you’re a wanker when the Toronto Star has to dedicate an entire reporter to tallying your lies after entering office. Personally, I can’t believe they only add up to 33. I could have sworn it was hundreds. Every time this asshole sucks wind, he farts out another round of bullshit. When is the impeachment coming?

Good night, and get fucked!

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Bananas.

Posted on February 3, 2017 by Sabina Becker

Q. How stupid are Brexit voters’ reasons for voting Brexit?

A. THIS stupid.

“It was bananas what did it for you?”

Yes, really. Bananas — one straight one — apparently convinced this woman to throw her vote away on an idiotic cause that will now end up shutting Britain off from Europe. She seriously thinks there are “opportunities” out there that the “silly regulations” of the EU are holding Brits back from? Actually, it’s more like silly Brits holding Britain back from opportunities in Europe, but shhhh, don’t tell her that.

And don’t anyone tell her that the “straight banana” rule is just actually just a common-sense rule that the EU formulated to make European standards uniform:

Myth: Curved bananas have been banned by Brussels bureaucrats, with shops ordered not to sell fruit which is too small or abnormally bent.
Sources: The Sun, Daily Mirror, Daily Mail, Daily Express (21 September 1994)

Truth: Yes … and no. Curved bananas have not been banned. In fact, as with the supposed banning of curved cucumbers, the Commission regulation classifies bananas according to quality and size for the sake of easing the trade of bananas internationally.

Quality standards are necessary in order that people buying and ordering bananas can rest assured that what they are getting lives up to their expectations. Individual EU member states have tended to have their own standards, as has the industry (whose standards are often very stringent). The European Commission was asked by the Council of Ministers and the industry to prepare a draft regulation laying down EU quality standards, and this has been the subject of consultation for some time now. As such it represents a consensus position. The following points should be noted however:

1) These are minimal rules, applied solely to green, unripe bananas, rather than those destined for the processing industry.
2) These standards should improve the quality of bananas produced within the Community. They should thus be able to command a higher price in the Community markets. This should also help reduce Community aid and therefore relieve pressure on the Community budget.
3) Far from being an interference in trade these norms should facilitate it throughout the Community

Nothing in there about not being able to buy bananas in whatever shape they happen to be.

And don’t anyone tell her, either, that Boris Johnson, the perambulating haystack who was once lord mayor of London, is behind that “silly regulations” myth. And that he was widely ridiculed for it:

“It is absolutely crazy that the EU is telling us what shape our bananas have got to be,” says Brexit’s foremost cheerleader, Boris Johnson. The former mayor of London, whose mop of blonde hair is as artfully tousled as his facts, was cannily invoking one of the oldest and most persistent mistruths about EU bureaucracy – that it has banned “bendy bananas” from being imported into the U.K.

EU rules do not ban any kind of banana, no matter how straight or curved it may be. What they do, however, is classify the pricing of bananas according to their shape: The best ones must be “free from malformation or abnormal curvature;” the next best can have “slight defects of shape;” and the cheapest or poorest quality can display “defects of shape.” And though this grading scheme might discriminate against a perfectly good but defectively shaped banana, it hardly amounts to a ban.

So, there you go. The EU never said that you weren’t allowed to buy a straight banana, if you happened to come across one in a shop and fancy it for a snack.

I did notice one thing, however: Not once did Boris, or any other Brexiteer, pass out books containing the contested regulations of the European Union and urge people to read for themselves. Probably because doing so would have proved that it was the Brexiteers, and not the EU’s trade regulations, that were truly bananas.

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Posted in Economics for Dummies, EuroPeons, Law-Law Land, Merry Old England, The Hardcore Stupid, The WTF? Files | Comments Off

The Madness of King Don

Posted on February 2, 2017 by Sabina Becker

Many years ago, I saw a movie. It was full of Pink Floyd songs, and it was all about a troubled, alienated little boy whose father died fighting the Nazis in World War II. Everything that happened to him was one more brick in the invisible wall he built around himself. Eventually the boy grew up, became a rock star, saw all his troubles deepening through the influence of drugs, fame and power. He became more alienated and dissociated, even as his star rose. Eventually, dead and numb to the world he had walled himself off from, the boy became a Nazi himself. And he unveiled his “new” identity in true Nazi fashion:

That movie scared me fucking shitless. Because it made it clear just how easy it is for a troubled mind to fall down the hellhole of bad politics. And once the hellmouth is opened, well…you can see for yourself where it leads.

I bring that movie up for a reason (and no, it’s not just to tie into the graphic at the top). I bring it up because we are witnessing that same madness unfolding all around us right now.

And yes, I do believe that the so-called president of the United States is mentally unsound, and not in the harmless-to-society, harmful-only-to-himself way that most mentally ill people are.

Granted, I am not a doctor. I’m not qualified to diagnose exactly what’s up with Der Drumpf, nor to prescribe him medication for it (if any even exists). I don’t have the power to get him committed to an asylum, although I’d dearly love to.

But then again, one doesn’t have to be a doctor to see that something is very wrong with the man. And since even his own doctor seems to be deep down the same rabbit-hole as he is (oh gawd, just READ), we’re all on our own here, kiddies. We can trust no one and nothing but ourselves anymore.

Don’t be gaslit by what Dr. Bornstein or any of Drumpfler’s other silly spokesdroids say. Believe your eyes, because they’re not lying. We are looking at a mad king here. The emperor doesn’t have the finest of new clothes, as he keeps insisting he does. The emperor is naked, clothed only in his own delusions of grandeur.

And no, I am not making this up. Here is the evidence I have compiled so far:

* An anonymous tweeter from within the White House says that Drumpf wants to be “the President who will be remembered as a King”. Granted, one doesn’t even have to be a White House insider, disgruntled or otherwise, to figure that out; one has only to look at the kind of surroundings he lived in before he started squatting in the White House:

Little wonder that one of his oily offspring said that it would be a “step down” for him to move there, where gold plating is much scarcer on the ground. It’s as obvious as his fake tan that he is The Man Who Would Be King, in a land that has sworn off all allegiance to monarchies since 1776. But still, it’s kind of nice to have confirmation, even in the form of an anonymous leaker, no?

* At the commencement of Black History Month yesterday, Drumpf decided to make African-American history…all about himself. And it was a total, appalling shitshow. He’s so narcissistic, he can’t even fulfill a basic duty of office without shoving the real purpose of it off to one side, and claiming that its whole, sole purpose is to glorify him, somehow. Or trying to paint himself as victim of a “lynching” campaign…a mischaracterization that ought to horrify anyone who’s seen picture postcards of ACTUAL lynchings.

But hey. #AllLivesMatter, and Drumpf’s life matters most of all!

* Likewise his god-awful behavior at the National Prayer Breakfast. Never mind that a country that prides itself on separation of church and state really shouldn’t be holding any national days of prayer, as that violates the whole constitutional phrase about Congress making no laws with respect to religion, and so forth. No, once more it was all about Der Drumpf. And how he just had to get one up on poor ol’ Arnie Schwarzenegger, the erstwhile governor of California, who now hosts what used to be his “reality” show. Because prayer breakfasts are all about humility before God, dammit.

Like this! “Only God no, other kiiiiiiings…” Oh, forget it.

* And oh yeah, lest we forget: All his hiring decisions, policy choices, and political appointments, ever. So far, they’ve led to: mass demonstrations against him; a disastrous bombing raid in Yemen that’s left a Navy SEAL, an eight-year-old girl, and several others dead; an Iraqi grandmother, also dead because she couldn’t come to the US for medical treatment; six Muslims killed in a mosque shoot-up in Québec city, perpetrated by a Drumpf supporter; and riots in Berkeley, occasioned by another fucking Drumpf supporter (and one who’s not even legally able to vote for him, at that).

And all that was just this week’s carnage alone. There will be more. The Madness of King Don demands blood sacrifice on the altar of the Almighty Ego, and lots of it. There are already rumblings of war with China, coming straight from the Big Bigot’s hate-whisperer-in-chief. And Iran. And Bog only knows where else…

Since I began this on a Pink Floyd note, let’s also end on one. Here’s a song that really ought to hit home for the Drumpfenführer, whenever his lethal narcissism finally pauses long enough to let a sliver of reality peek through:

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Posted in Der Drumpf, Drrrrruuuugs, Fascism Without Swastikas, Filthy Stinking Rich, If You REALLY Care, Isn't That Illegal?, Mexican Standoffs, Pissing Jesus Off, The United States of Amnesia, The War on Terra | Comments Off

Heroes for Today: Seb Dance, MEP

Posted on February 1, 2017 by Sabina Becker

So, this happened in the EuroParliament. Nigel Fucking Farage, while wearing his “Trump” lapel pin and pontificating his arse off, got punked by a quietly badass guy with a sign:

That guy is Seb Dance, a British Labour MEP. He told the UK Telegraph:

“I held the sign up because I am getting frustrated at the lack of challenge to nationalism and populism, and the rules in European Parliament restrict the ability to challenge it.

“We had limited time to debate today, so I protested in the only way I knew how at that point, which was to grab a piece of paper, write a very simple message on it and sit behind Nigel Farage during his usual diatribe.

Mr Dance confirms he was admonished saying: “The usher came over to gently tell me to hold my sign down but I managed to have it up for most of Farage’s speech.

“Ukip often use these clips in isolation on social media and I didn’t want to give him the chance to use his speech without challenge”.

So there you go. A rare moment in which Nigel Fucking Farage and truth actually appeared on TV together.

Seb Dance, I salute thee.

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Posted in EuroPeons, Heroes for Today, Merry Old England | Comments Off

Wankers of the Week: The Massacre of Bowling Green, Part D’oh

Nazis: Too stupid to live? You be the judge.

Wear the Bern!

Thanks a lot, Trudizzle.

Is Der Drumpf illiterate?

Music for a Sunday: Der Drumpf sings!

Wankers of the Week: The Massacre of Bowling Green

Bananas.

The Madness of King Don

Heroes for Today: Seb Dance, MEP

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