News of the Restless

Crappy June, everyone! Are you enjoying the weather? And say, how about that rolling thunder? You’ll be hearing a lot more of it, due to global warming. (Thunderstorms and violent weather are, after all, heat-driven.) Know who else is generating a lot of hot air to no purpose? These wankers, that’s who…

1. Sarah Fucking Palin. Is she running or what? Who knows? And more to the point: Who fucking cares? She is no Queen Esther, no matter how much she preens herself as such. About all she is, is a publicity harlot at this stage of the game. She has no platform; all she’s doing is pimping herself. No critical media interviews, nothing that could possibly nail her down on policy issues (because we all know how THAT went over last time anyone asked her a pertinent question there); no, it’s gonna be all crapaganda about Screech and her self-righteous faith and fucked-up family and bogus patriotism, all the fucking time. Oh yeah, and more “notes” written in the palm of her hand. Seriousness, thy name is not Sarah. PS: That “love the smell of emissions” bit is gonna be vintage Screech by this time next year, I predict. Who the fuck likes the smell of gasoline fumes but a person who probably huffs good ol’-fashioned aerosol hairspray in her spare time? PS: Speaking of hairspray-huffing, PAUL REVERE.

2. Paul Fucking Broun. Whenever I hear someone bitching about something “politically correct” or “political correctness”, I know I’m hearing a dog whistle for a cowardly, weaselly something which is sexist, racist, homophobic or religiously bigoted. When you hear Paul Fucking Broun refer to a man in “Arabian attire” as a “real terrorist”, that’s surely a dog whistle for at least two of those four bigotries, no?

3. Andrew Fucking Breitbart. Srsly, people, this is not a real scandal (except, perhaps, when it comes to Bitefart’s incessant fauxtrage and other assorted schmuckery being taken seriously, which IS scandalous), and it does not deserve to become news! (Plus, stupid shit like this makes me nervous of tweeting things like “¡Te amo Chavecito!” or “Evo, eres mi novio”. Nobody should be afraid to joke about her famous fake boyfriends!) PS: What Jon Stewart (who has been friends with the congresscritter since college) said.

4. The Fucking Toronto Sun. Not that I would put anything past a Conservative, but what’s with the crap journalism? George Lepp didn’t take a “pocket picture” of his naked penis (and crossed legs, an impossibility in any normal pair of pants!), he was pick-pocketed! Some jackass stole his Blackberry from his pants pocket, took a picture of his own naked penis (and crossed legs, sans pants) and posted it to Lepp’s account. Maybe it’s the same wiener who tried to frame Anthony Weiner. Who knows? All I know is that right-wing rags (and webturds like Breitbart and Drudge) can’t do journalism for shit.

5. John Fucking Baird. Oh look, Squealer wants Gaza aid to go through “established channels”. Um, Squealer — WHAT FUCKING “ESTABLISHED CHANNELS”? The only ones still in existence, assuming Israel hasn’t dynamited them yet, are the cross-border tunnels dug by Hamas to keep the Gazans from starving to fucking death!

6. Clarence Fucking Thomas. Oh, so THIS is why “Weinergate” was faked up. Seems that Rep. Weiner was after the not-so-honorable Judge Skirtchaser to disclose some financial dealings and recuse himself from something or other on the grounds of conflict of interest stemming from his being married to a harlot of the anti-healthcare-reform lobby. Suddenly, all the fauxtrage makes SO much more sense!

7. Pamela Fucking Geller. Who would defend a monster like Ratko Mladic, the Butcher of Bosnia, whose murder toll is more than double that of Osama bin Laden? Who but a fellow genocidal maniac. Namely Pammy the Randroid, who never met a Muslim-hating fascist she couldn’t endorse. Oh yeah, and she calls Harpo, of all people, “The Leader of the Free World”! Whatever’s eating her brains, I hope it finishes the job soon and puts her out of her caterwauling misery.

8. Bryan Fucking Fischer. Speaking of caterwauling misery and fascist idiocy, how about him? Yeah, that’s right, he’s projecting his own fascism on the gays again. At this rate, it’s only a matter of time before he’s found with a naked boy under his pulpit. BTW, Adolf Hitler had no trouble finding straight soldiers “to be savage and brutal and vicious enough to carry out his orders” — especially on the Night of the Long Knives, when at least one prominent gay Nazi (Ernst Röhm, Hitler’s chief rival for the Nazi leadership) got purged from the party in the most murderous fashion.

9. And speaking of anti-gay Nazis, how about Pat Fucking Robertson? Yes, Patwa has resorted to that bad analogy, too. How original these religiofascists all are. Isn’t it time a hurricane came and ate them all?

10. And finally, to round out the unholy trinity of the ‘phobes, there’s Peter Fucking Heck, who just can’t conceive how it’s possible to be attracted to members of one’s own sex and actually fall in love with him. To him, Don Lemon’s coming-out was nothing but a declaration of “enjoying homosexual acts”. Never mind that Lemon never said a word about that. Being gay has nothing to do with love, to those who don’t know what love is themselves; it’s all about Teh Buttsecks, didn’t you know?

11. Chris Fucking Christie. The balanced-budget talk, like showing up to his kid’s game in a helicopter, is all fucking show. Pay back the enormous amount this silly stunt cost the public purse? Hell no! You just don’t get a fiscal conservative without a whackload of hypocrisy, after all; that’s where the “balance” comes in. They balance all their big talk with zero walk. Presto! Budget magic!

12. David Fucking Bushby. What are you in, kindergarten? No, you’re in the Australian parliament. And your childish antics and non-apology apologies should get you thrown out of there and into a dog pound.

13. Brenda Fucking Carnahan. Thanks to this “compassionate” anti-choice busybody, a mother of three who couldn’t afford a legal abortion is now facing criminal charges…and a fine she certainly won’t be able to afford, any more than she could afford to do what little the law allowed her in a situation of one more mouth she couldn’t afford to feed. Satisfied, you fucking concern troll?

14. V.S. Fucking Naipaul. Y’know, I don’t think I want to be the literary “equal” of such an insufferable, sexist, egotistical twit. In fact, I think I’d prefer to be better, as a person if not also as a writer. When even his own friends are forced to admit they were too nice in their scathing memoirs about him, what does that say about the person, never mind the writer? PS: Characterizing Jane Austen as “sentimental” is definitely fucked, too; Austen was quite unsparing about the mores of her times, her social milieu, and even her heroes and heroines. Perhaps he should try READING her, eh?

15. Rand Fucking Paul. Yet again, his not-so-subtle racism rears its warty little head. Hey, I have a terrific idea: Maybe the government should start tracking all so-called libertarians who’ve aired views that are sexist, racist and/or homophobic. They might stand a better chance of catching some real terrorists — or, at least, real hatemongers — that way.

16. Julia Fucking Moreno. How’s this for fucked? Her husband admits to raping a drunken woman he was supposed to be safely escorting home, and gets wrongfully acquitted of it, but she hates the woman? WTF? Shouldn’t it be her cheating, raping husband, who takes advantage of the helpless and incapacitated just because he fucking CAN? Maybe she really hates the woman for reminding her that she married the wrong man.

17. Tim Fucking Hudak, again. Look, you Harrisite Parasites, Ontario doesn’t want your fucking “Changebook” (which is a dorky name for a recycled Common Nonsense Devolution platform, BTW). Bring back Bill Davis and the Red Tories, alive and well, or no election for YOU!

18. Lanny Fucking Davis, again. Was ever the phrase “liberal Democrat” bent more wildly out of shape, to the point where it’s practically a swearword? Because whenever HE says it, you can be sure that the next thing to plop out of his piehole will be a steaming brown lump of pure, BushCo-style fascism. And the Salon article hasn’t even touched on his support for the fascist coup in Honduras, either!

19. John Fucking Edwards. How embarrassing that I used to like this guy, back when he fought for the little guy against Corporate Amurrica. Well, no longer. He took massive “campaign” donations from a wealthy donor to keep his hanky-panky with Rielle Fucking Hunter, and the resulting out-of-wedlock child, hidden (and, undoubtedly, in a manner to which no one should become accustomed). That’s NOT what a real populist would do! SHAME!

20. Henry Fucking Kissinger. Oh joy, Tricky Dick Nixon’s fixer was in Toronto recently to give a lecture. On what? On how to be a known war criminal and yet somehow magically avoid being nabbed and sent to The Hague while visiting a country that IS a member of the International Criminal Tribunal. Whatever else?

21. Michael Fucking Coren. Yippee-ti-yi-yo-cowpatties, another chronically cranky right-wing asshat who’s peeved at the arrest of the Butcher of Bosnia. Perhaps the reasons for Ratko Mladic’s arrest would not sound so “shameful” to Mr. Coren if, say, the word “Jew” were substituted for “Muslim” in the description of Mladic’s victims, eh?

22. Ezra Fucking Levant. Oh noes, there are IRANIANS in Canada! Someone please remind the Pantloading Putz that Iranian civilization goes back much further than ours, and that after the United States and Israel, Iran has the largest Jewish population in the world. Larger than Canada’s, even. Shocking, I know! Almost as shocking as the notion that ohmyGAWD, there are IRANIANS in CANADA!!! (And if you’re going to go on about propaganda at the National Arts Centre, Putz, you should be protesting AGAINST the recent appearance there by Geert Fucking Wilders, who came ONLY to spread his genocidal, islamophobic crapaganda far and wide. And if you’re not, take my advice to #21 and play the Name Substitution Game to see why it’s wrong to stand with fascists, even if you personally share their prejudices.)

23. Vicky Fucking Hartzler. Ho hum, yet another tired argument against same-sex marriage — again, because it “could lead to” all sorts of things it actually doesn’t lead to, and hasn’t led to, everywhere it’s become legal, including here in Canada…where you can’t marry your blood relatives, your pet or someone under the age of consent (which is not the case in the United States, where fundie-Mormon polygamists do that last one all the time, illegally). Isn’t it time that tired argument were laid to rest?

24. Ryan Fucking LeVin. The only thing more despicable than for a “millionaire playboy”, as he was not unfairly characterized, to drunkenly jump a curb with his Porsche and kill two British tourists, is for him to get off lightly just because he’s rich. Which he has tried to do. Which, of course, makes him one helluva wanker.

25. Mike Fucking Stack. Another cyberbully who likes to harass women, especially those who happen to follow Anthony Weiner on the tweeter. It’s possible that “Dan Wolfe” (or Dan Fucking Wolfe), who also harassed Genette Cordova, is actually a sockpuppet of his, since both have checkered legal pasts where their female companionship is concerned. (Hello, domestic violence!) This one’s especially worth listing, though, for his overt fixation on porn (whatsamatter, Mikey, afraid of real women laughing and pointing at your own widdle weenie? I bet that’s it!) And his empty bullshit threats (yeah, sure you, a two-time bankruptcy filer, have an elite corporate cyber-army at your disposal. My imaginary army is bigger than yours, asshole.) And for his silly fixation on a congresscritter who, obviously, is far more attractive to the ladies. (Clicky the linky, people, and you’ll see just what I mean. Ain’t he a prize?)

And finally, to all you asshats out there bitching about Brigette DePape’s peaceful, perfectly legal protest yesterday at the Throne Speech. Oh, spare me the “what if it was a bomb” bullshit. If it had been a bomb, there would have been an explosion, and real damage would have been done. As it is, all she did was serve notice that the majority of Canadians did not elect the Harper Government™, which is true…and also that he was found in contempt of Parliament, which he was. By all rights he should have been disqualified from seeking any further elected office, including that of dogcatcher. His entire party should have been disbanded and stripped of status. Instead, he’s squatting in the House of Commons once more, plotting to do even more damage than he already has (which is considerable). And you fuckheads want to bawl about how “tradition” has been “broken” and this is some kind of unpardonable sin? Some traditions (like plutocracy, autocracy and cronyism, all of them Harper Government™ traditions of long standing) deserve to be broken when there is a greater good at stake. Which there most certainly is, here. And when someone who is in contempt of Parliament gets re-elected with an undeserved majority by cowardly idiots who stand on “tradition”, I’d say it’s high time someone pointed out the emperor’s unattractive nudity.

Well, not to worry, cowards. Brigette will go on to much and many better things than being a white-gloved dogsbody for some antiquated, unelected relic of a senator. Of that I have no doubt. But the rest of you? Doomed to lick boots for whatever is left of your miserable, apathetic lives.

Good night, and get fucked!

Crappy First Weekend After the Apocalypse, everyone! Lost any annoying fundie neighbors to the rapture? No? Dang, I guess this must mean we’ve all gone to hell. What a fucking letdown. Because that means we’re still stuck on Planet Mordor…with all these tacky wankers, in no particular order:

1. Keiko Fucking Fujimori. Her dad’s a known human-rights violator, complete with death squads. And she’s running basically on a “get Dad out of jail free” ticket. And now she has the nerve to call the democratically elected, popular president of Venezuela “dictatorial”? That’s a bit rich, wouldn’t you say? PS: Even richer, she says she’s going to work for the integration of Latin America. Don’t anyone tell her that Chavecito got there ahead of her and has pretty much done it already. She might throw a tantrum.

2. Tony Fucking Cornish. Give the homophobia a rest, motherfucker. And no, I’m not going to tack twelve exclamation points onto the end of that. I’m not a homophobic hothead, you see.

3. Pete Fucking DeGraaf. I would wish something awful on him, like, say, his mistress getting a “flat tire” (that’s what he likened unwanted pregnancies to!), but then I took one good look at his photo (clicky the linky, kiddies) and realized that with a face like that, it wasn’t likely he’d be getting laid anywhere, by anyone, no matter how much he “plans ahead”. Why is it always the most repugnant men who oppose women’s rights, anyway?

4. Eric Fucking Cantor. The city of Joplin, Missouri has just been flattened by a mile-wide monster tornado, and this little pisher is talking spending cuts? There are people you devoutly wish would just get sucked up into a funnel cloud, and he’s one of them. How could anyone even think of fiscally punishing those who had the bad luck to be in the path of a giant twister? Oh, but I guess HE would tell them to “plan ahead” more, too. The fucker. Well, if the money’s got to come from somewhere, then let it come out of the military-industrial complex, for a change…preferably the same meat-grinders that funded Eric Fucking Cantor’s last electoral campaign.

5. Patrick Fucking McHenry. He accused Elizabeth Warren (who is famously bullshit-free) of lying; I accuse him of being a fucking asshole. What the hell is he doing in elected office, anyway? He’d be an embarrassment to a kindergarten sandbox! PS: Bwahahahaha!

6. Herman Fucking Cain. Men of any color have no business telling women in general, and black women in particular, what to do with their bodies. Much less as a partisan attack. PS: That “snuffing seed” shit is just fucking gross. Who the hell talks like that, anyway? Oh, yeah: Repugs who sleep around, call the women with whom they do it ‘ho’s, and yet still think abortion is what’s wrong with the picture. But of course, they don’t want to pay child support. They’d rather leave all that up to the ‘ho’s. Who might just have to live up to the pejorative by turning tricks to feed the kids. Who’s “too cold” now?

7. Jaime Fucking Deremblum. You know, Jaime, what you wrote in the Weakly SubStandard about Rafael Correa has a name. The name for what you wrote about him is LIBEL. And this talk of “basic civil liberties that Americans take for granted” is pretty hilarious when you consider that all the things you libelously accuse Rafael Correa of doing…have been done, repeatedly and with impunity, both in the United States (against its own citizens, at home and abroad!) and BY the United States…IN ECUADOR. But hey — why let such inconvenient little facts spoil your nice, bullshitty, libelous narrative…right, Jaime? After all, you’ve got a war campaign to whip up against an innocent country and an innocent president. (Or two, if you count Venezuela and Chavecito; I know I do.) “Freedom” House, the IISS (the same that fudged up the dodgy dossier against Iraq) and the Hudson “Institute” all want to remain somehow relevant in a world that doesn’t give a shit for them anymore. And to do so, they have to provide pretext for bad foreign policy and more unnecessary, antidemocratic wars. And since you work for that last one, that means all crapaganda is fair game — isn’t that right, Jaime?

8. Harold Fucking Camping. A charlatan who got rich off other people’s superstition and credulity. Deserves to go bankrupt. A fraud case against him would be open-and-shut. But he’s predicting yet another fucking apocalypse…in October. Can’t he be imprisoned as a public health hazard? He’s driving people to mass hysteria and making millions off it, fergawdsakes. Oh well, in the meantime, I know one wanker who will figure prominently on this list in five months’ time. Funny how, unlike the end of the world, this is something that’s EASY to predict!

9. Brigitte Fucking Barèges. Oh great, France has homophobic idiots in government, too. And this one’s in Sarko’s own party — which, to be fair, isn’t known for its tolerance or acceptance of anyone who doesn’t quite conform; just look at the anti-immigration platform that got these fuckers elected. Still, I would really like to know just how same-sex marriage — the legalization of a union between two otherwise unrelated adults of the same sex, nothing more — equates to bestiality or polygamy. More to the point, I’d like to know just what kind of delusional stupidity it takes to see any equivalence there at all. PS: Nobody is buying the “just a joke” excuse, either. To be a joke, it has to be funny. Did anybody laugh — other than in sheer incredulity at the ignorance of this wanker, I mean?

10. Tim Fucking Hudak. Just call him the wannabe Joe Arpaio of Ontario. One more reason not to elect him as premier: He wants to build a prison-industrial complex, complete with slave labor, right here in our fair province. A prison-industrial complex that would take well-paying public service jobs away from those already doing them, and make it more expensive in the process — because after all, guards watching the chain gang and making sure no prisoners escape still have to get paid. Union scale.

11. Scott Fucking Walker. Death panels? The Teabaggers haz them. And the so-called governor of Wisconsin sits on one of them. PS: Ha, ha!

12. Robert Fucking McGuire. Dumbest. Fucking. Sex. Offender. EVER.

13. Dominique Fucking Strauss-Kahn. Yes, again. And no, this is not socialism. Nor is it house arrest. What it is, is the kind of lunacy that makes me wonder if he’ll ever actually stand trial, or just go back to France, laughing up his well-tailored sleeve all the way. Frankly, he should have been denied bail and stayed in jail with the common criminals; like Conrad Fucking Black before him, he might at least get a taste of how the other 99% lives.

14, 15 and 16. Vic Fucking Toews, Peter Fucking Mackay, and Stephen Fucking Harper. Looks like the Minister of Adultery and Hypocrisy is now a Minister for Petty Revenge and Disaster Capitalism, too. But let’s not single Vic the Prick out for blame; there’s plenty of it to go ’round, so let’s extend our ire to his colleague the so-called defence minister, and to their boss. If anyone wants to know why Québec voted en masse against the SupposiTories, look no further. These western ideologues hate Québec; always have, always will; that’s why Harpo went to Manitoba and Alberta but ignored this one. “Let the private sector take care of it” is their way of saying “Let them eat cake!” And rest assured that the flood-stricken people along the Richelieu River won’t be forgetting this despicable betrayal and abdication of federal duty on the next election day, either.

17. Bibi Fucking Netanyahu. Kudos to Rae Abileah for poking a big hole in his hypocrisy before the US congress, and the world. “Real democracy”, my ASS. And who is the Yahoo to try to appropriate the Arab Spring for Israel’s ends — which, of course, are all about denying democracy, freedom and justice to the Palestinians?

18. Ralph Fucking Lang. Yay, yet another psychotic, cognitively-dissonant “pro-lifer” who has absolutely no problem with murdering doctors and nurses in the name of Jeebus. Good thing this one was caught before he could act on his desire to “lay out” any of them. PS: The Fucking State Senate of Wisconsin deserves a kick in the ass, too, for enabling this piece of shit with their no-permit concealed carry law, just recently passed. WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU FUCKING CHEESEBALLS THINKING??? Do you need a pistol-whipping upside the head to tell you that guns are anti-life?

19. Jared Fucking Loughner. While we’re on the subject of deranged gunmen, let’s not forget this one. He thanked the judge for putting on a “freak show”? Uh, dude…that would be YOU. And nobody feels like thanking you for it. We just all hope and pray that you never get out of that psych ward. Or get access to another fucking gun.

20 and 21. Kenneth Fucking Moreno and Franklin Fucking Mata. Bad enough that the one repeatedly sexually assaulted a helplessly drunk woman while the other stood guard and let him; worse that they should both get off when it’s so obvious that they were guilty. I guess this means cops have a licence to rape then? Oh yeah, silly me, of course they do: It’s called a badge, and it’s also good for getting you off the hook for all kinds of brutal and inhuman behavior — such as when you beat up innocent people for protesting a bad government, like this one poor guy who got his arm broken and his eye blacked by thugs in uniform a year ago at the G20 in Toronto.

22. Chad Fucking Seigel. Someone please get Kenneth Fucking Moreno’s slimy defence attorney an anatomy textbook and show him where the cervix is. It is way, way up at the top of the vagina, for fuck’s sakes. You can’t get to it by “scrubbing” in the shower. In fact, you can’t reach it without penetration, and you can’t bruise it without penetrating pretty damn brutally. Which Moreno did, and has admitted to doing. If that’s not rape, then tell me, what the fuck IS?

23. Rick Fucking Scott. Oh noes, look who can’t face the scary, hairy libruls! That’s why he got the sheriffs to eject them — or just anyone who looks like they could be one — from his public events. Because the last thing a teabag needs is a public challenge from someone who has all their teeth and can string together a coherent sentence, right?

24. Cornelius Fucking McGillicuddy the Fourth, again. For the umpteenth time, when will Florida elect a representative who actually does something good, and doesn’t make overthrowing the governments of Venezuela and Cuba his fucking pet project? Aren’t they sick of this fucking idiot yet? Because, you know, that Venezuela-selling-uranium-to-Iran thing? Is just the latest in a long, long line of bogus pretexts for war and “sanctions” (don’t you just love that weasel word) against Venezuela. And it has about as much substance as that sexed-up dodgy dossier that was used against Saddam Hussein. Or less.

25. Avigdor Fucking Lieberman. Thanking Harpo for objecting to the talk of Israeli land theft at the G8? It doesn’t get any wankier than this.

26. and 27. Sarah Fucking Palin and Michele Fucking Bachmann. Was that a caterwaul I just heard? Get a room, you two. And stay there until the 2012 election is over, PLEASE.

28. Silvio Fucking Berlusconi. Mamma mia, Italy’s biggest corrupto is being persecuted again. This time by a mafia of left-wing judges! Why can’t they leave him to screw the nation — and his underage prostitutes — in peace? My gawd, they’ve even forced him to go whining about it to Barack Obama, as though the latter could do anything about that! Oh, the HUMANITY!

29. The Fucking Texas Civil Justice League. Congratulations, assholes, you just can’t make your point (whatever the hell it is) without urinating on women. We got it. You don’t like the ladies. Well, guess what, assholes — the ladies of the Texas Legislature, on both sides of the aisle, don’t like you for that cutesy widdle hate campaign, either.

And finally, to “Mike”, the sexist piglet at 63.119.9.135, who left his droppings here. Poor widdle “Mike” just doesn’t understand why “chicks” aren’t into him. And why they aren’t stampeding over each other to bring him sandwiches, beer and hot, juicy vajayjays. Hmmm, whatever could his problem be?

Oh, I know! Maybe, “Mike”, if you didn’t expect sex and sandwiches on demand, or at least just weren’t so fucking stupid as to call women a “protected class” when we quite plainly aren’t (does getting paid 70 cents on a man’s dollar sound like “protection” to you? Oh right, protection MONEY — hence the 30% deduction!), maybe you’d get some. Or maybe not, but at least the world might like you better. Right now, nobody does, and it’s all your own damn fault for being an entitled, whiny, lazy-ass shit who can’t even slap one fucking slice of baloney between two fucking slices of Wonder bread because his own limp dick keeps getting in the way. Not to mention how you can’t even keep it in your pants when faced with the irrational urge to wander into a complete stranger’s house and piss on her carpet.

Well, that’s what my ban filter is for, eh? Congrats, “Mike”, you just whizzed right into it. And so will anyone else who comes here trying to follow the bad example of Mikey-whom-nobody-likey. You have been warned…and, unlike predictions of an apocalypse, this one’s gonna come true.

Good night, and get fucked!