News of the Restless

Crappy weekend, everyone! And a crappy New Year to one and all. Welp, kiddies, it’s getting down to the wire…last wankapedia of what was, indubitably, a very shitty year. One I’ll be glad to see the back of. Along with these bozos, in no particular order:

1. Sam Fucking Haskell. Misogyny and general vileness, a mere “mistake of words”? I think not. You had ample time to consider the effect your words would have BEFORE you typed them out and hit SEND, you jackass. And now you know why I consider beauty pageants to be a piss-poor way to empower women, eh kids?

2. Danny Fucking McComas. You can’t remember dragging a lobbyist around your office by her hair? Funny, but she can’t seem to forget!

3. Orrin Fucking Hatch. Because you just know that Donnie couldn’t have dismantled all those national monuments and natural wonders on his own, here you go, folks — the longest-serving Repugnican senator from Utah, and the one who will be remembered forever as The Man Who Fucked His Own State For Thirty Shekels.

4. Bibi Fucking Netanyahu. On behalf of absolutely no one with an ounce of intelligence, I’d like to thank Bibi for valiantly fighting the nonexistent War On Christmas…by making it part of his country’s official greetings. Shalom, alter kacker.

5. Steve Fucking Mnuchin. Someone sent him a load of what he’s been trying (to no avail) to sell to the people of the US of Amnesia, namely horseshit. Sadly, our hero got the address wrong and the bomb squad had to be called out. But hey! At least now someone who’s truly earned such a token of esteem knows how everyone REALLY feels about him!

6. Rick Fucking Santorum. Oh, Icky Ricky…I just don’t know how to quit you! Especially not when you whip it out to piss all over workers and their unions, who are the real heroes of the season.

7. Ben Fucking Caspit. When all of Israel’s shitty Likudnik government and the IDF’s Torquemada-like command is vying with each other for the title of Most Vile, leave it to a local journo to top them all by suggesting a night-and-fog operation worthy of the Nazis. Problem is, the whole world is watching to see what happens to Ahed Tamimi and her family…and indeed, all of Palestine. And everyone is grimacing in disgust at their fascist media shitlickers, too. PS: Shitty mansplaining is mansplainy. Also shitty.

8. Paula Fucking White. Once more, with feeling: “Merry Christmas” was never banned, and Jesus was all over the White House for as long as there’s fucking BEEN a White House. Someone please give this woman a history book, because her bible just ain’t cuttin’ it.

9. Arielle La Fucking Jardinière. Dear vegan friends, please, if you say you’re doing it to “suck less”, just stop. Because this woman, like PETA, is living proof that vegans suck just as hard as any other boss in the crapitalist ruling class. They just happen to do it in a plant-based way.

10. Francis Fucking Rooney. Something needs to be purged, but it’s not the FBI or the DOJ, and it’s not for the sake of Donnie. It’s the legislative branch, and every Repug and Repug-lite in it needs to go…for the sake of the PEOPLE.

11. Ann Fucking Coulter. Oh look, the Coultergeist got over her loneliness of singledom…just long enough to get Xmas terribly wrong. Ann, go back to bitching about how lonely and empty you are, because at least that much is true.

12. Rachael Fucking Ray. Rebranding Palestinian food as “Israeli” won’t make occupation kosher…or apartheid palatable. It will, however, make you a laughingstock to the rest of the world.

13. Mike Fucking Huckabee. Holy fucking shit. When you even manage to be so god-awfully stupid that even you jolt Bill Fucking Kristol into actually telling the truth, that is indeed a rare feat of imbecility.

14. Corey Fucking Lewandowski. Surprise! Looks like having your boss-man in charge of the nation’s business (for how much longer, one wonders?) isn’t going to grant you legal immunity from prosecution. Especially not for sexual harassment. Doesn’t matter what sector you work in now, you are equally subject to prosecution either way!

15. Oren Fucking Hazan. Mang, has this been a week for shitty Israelis acting shitty, or what? This one was projecting his own insecurities onto the mother of a Palestinian prisoner, and it’s all down on video. He even promoted it on his own Facebook page, to boot. What a fuckass!

16. Roy Fucking Moore. Yes, he’s still wanking. No, he won’t go away. Even though he hasn’t a hope in Hades of winning now.

17. Franklin Fucking Graham. No, Rosie O’Donnell doesn’t have the keys to hell…and neither, for that matter, do you. But then again, as Sartre said, hell is other people…and on the basis of how many he’s driven into instant misery, Paul Fucking Ryan is looking pretty damn satanic right now. And so are you for defending him, and having the audacity to attack those who rightly point out what a little shit he is.

18. Milo Fucking Yiannopoulos. Aaaand now we know why Simon & Schuster withdrew their quarter-million-dollar offer to publish his crappy book. When it’s just one big, dumb, trolly shitpost after another, even conservative editors don’t want to kill trees for it.

19. Jeff Fucking Sessions. He wants to bring back debtors’ prisons for the most vulnerable? Land of the Free, my ASS.

20. Phil Fucking McGraw. Can we honestly be surprised to learn that a TV “doctor” has been plying addicted “patients” with drugs and alcohol to boost his ratings? Pretty sure that’s illegal. Absolutely fucking certain that it’s unethical!

21. Ivanka Fucking Drumpf. If you’re trying to wangle invites to the royal wedding, fuggedaboudit. Especially if you intend to take your Cheeto-dusted dad as your plus-one.

22. Jack Fucking Breuer. Oh surprise! One of Donnie’s own oh-so-white interns was caught on camera, flashing the White Power sign. And he used to work with another notorious flasher of the same gang sign, too. Please note that it is STILL not okay…and not to be confused with an “OK”, either! PS: And of course he denies it. River in Egypt, Cleo!

23. Paul Fucking Hewson. Oh surprise! One of the biggest crapitalist wankers in the music industry (and one who became irrelevant two decades ago) decided to pipe up about how “girly” the music industry has become. Because the only anger that should ever make it to the charts is that of petulant white males like himself, don’tcha know?

24. Larry Fucking Kilgore. Sorry, but you don’t get to murder gay people, there are no legal bestiality brothels in Germany, and if you killed adulterers, you’d probably have to off yourself. Because if I know one thing about tough-talkin’ ‘winger guys like you, it’s that you have an awful lot of grotty little skeletons in your own closets.

25. Jason Fucking Kenney. He’s going to raise the bar of decorum in the Alberta Legislature, you guys! You know what to do from now on, right? Every time he or one of his U-Cons has a wank, you take a drink. And try not to die of alcohol poisoning, y’hear?

26. Nick Fucking Kouvalis. Ding dong, Frod Nation is dead. And its leading strategist and crapagandist-in-chief is probably jonesing for a drink right about now, but he’s not going to get any where he’s headed. Ha, ha.

27. Scott Fucking Pruitt. So, “true environmentalism” means rape, pillage, and pissing all over the environment? Yeah, I guess that makes sense, in a fucked-up sort of way. It also explains why Donnie picked this bozo to head up the EPA, and why the EPA is literally swimming in shit right now.

28. Gareth Fucking Gwyther. Hey, how’s it feel to have to pay compensation to one of those evil Muslims whom you accused of coming to steal your jobs? Maybe, in future, you’ll watch your mouth before you open it again.

29. Marco Fucking Rubio. Oh, NOW he admits that maybe giving tax cuts to big corporations wasn’t such a good idea? But at the same time, he thinks it’s “better than the current tax code”? I guess he thinks whatever they pay him to think, and beyond that, he doesn’t. At all.

30. Alex Fucking Jones. Of course he has a fucked-up conspiracy theory about the latest Star Wars episode, because of COURSE. Sun gotta rise, snow gotta fall, Alex gotta make no fucking sense at all.

And finally, to the not-man of the year, dear ol’ Donnie himself. Who of course isn’t working right now, but golfing, and hilariously trying to cover up the fact that he’s golfing instead of working. When he’s not busy tweeting inanities from the shitter — which also isn’t working, natch. What will the New Year hold in store for him? Worse and more of the same, unless he’s finally impeached. Or otherwise removed from office. At this point, let’s just say I’m not too particular as to how his reign of fuckery will end. I’ll accept whatever it takes, even if it happens to be something as lowly as a cerebral artery in his own head that has simply decided it’s had enough of his lifestyle abuse.

Good night, and get fucked straight into next year!

Crappy weekend, everyone! We’re getting down to the wire…it’s Christmas Eve Eve Eve, and you know what that means? Right: PANIC! No, I’m not talking about all you last-minute shoppers out there. I’m talking about these all-the-time shitheads, who are about to get nothing good from Santa…and who, as usual, are in no particular order:

1. Ann Fucking Coulter. Because if there’s one thing the Coultergeist despises, it’s anything that takes money and the public spotlight away from poor, poor, pitiful HER. Well, buck up, Little Orphan Annie…because if YOU die alone, it will be because you DESERVE to. No one else can stand you. Especially those of us who are single, but who do NOT lead “empty lives of quiet desperation”…like ME.

2. Donald Fucking Drumpf, Jr. Bad enough that Little Donnie retweets Juicebro Cernovich of all shitty people, but holy crap, a tweet of his defending pedophilia? That ought to get Juicebro fired, but let’s face it — he’s not employed, he’s just grifting. So let’s use it instead to shame both of them forevermore, eh?

3. Omarosa Fucking Manigault. Welp, there goes Donnie’s Aunt Jemima. Not only did she have to be “escorted” out of the White House (kicking and screaming!), she earned her ceremonious firing by alienating and cussing out members of the Congressional Black Caucus. And with her goes the last hope Donnie will ever have of credibly claiming he’s not racist. Omarosa was his beard, and she just about yanked herself off him.

4. Dennis Fucking Kearbey. Pro tip for all you conservative would-be comedians out there: If you want to get laughs, just tell a joke. And no, “telling a joke” does NOT involve toting a sawed-off shotgun into your workplace (where your predecessor ACTUALLY SHOT SOMEONE), pumping it, and then expecting people to laugh and not feel like their lives have just been threatened. Nobody finds lethal weapons fucking funny — least of all those who have actually seen someone get shot.

5. Sarah Fucking Palin. Yes, she’s still alive. No, she’s still not making sense. And this week, she’s all hopped up about the “freedom” to wear an ugly bracelet that looks like a shackle. Because that’s totally not racist, you guys.

6. Track Fucking Palin. And here’s why Mama Grizzly felt she had to speak up on behalf of the freedumb to wear ugly shackles as accessories. Yup, Sonnyboy fucked up again. Fine family you got there, you pious hypocrite!

7. Paul Fucking Nehlen. Heads up, Wisconsin, you’ve got an outright fascist running for the office Paul Fucking Ryan is about to vacate. It’s a dead giveaway that he supported Roy Fucking Child Molester Moore, too. You know what you all need to do about HIM, don’t you? PS: Uh, pretty sure what he’s advocating here is illegal. It is definitely a human rights violation. That alone ought to disqualify him from even running, but it IS the United States of Amnesia, where they looooove them some human-rights violators. PPS: Obvious antisemite is obvious. Twitter, are you gonna pull the plug on this piece of shit, already?

8. Ivanka Fucking Drumpf. No, dear, your daddy is most assuredly NOT the first US president ever to openly talk about national security policy. It’s kind of part of the job. Don’t make me pull out a supercut of previous presidents doing it! PS: “America First” is a racist dog-whistle. And we all hear it loud and clear.

9. Charlie Fucking Nash. Damn right there are feminist witches cursing Donnie, the “alt”-right, and YOU. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to find my black candles and my hexing powder. And a cord to tie up this wax dummy, too.

10. George Fucking Zimmerman. Oh gawd, HIM AGAIN. George, do the world a favor and just feed yourself to an alligator, ‘kay?

11. Mark Fucking Taylor. Donnie’s not a scientist, but according to this clown, he’ll somehow work not one, but TWO scientific miracles before he’s out of office. O RLY? The only miracle I’d believe is if Jesus himself came to the White House with a cat-o’-nine-tails, and fucking DROVE him out.

12. Ben Fucking Carson. Bullshit, bullshit, bull-fucking-SHIT. That is all.

13. Kevin Fucking Jackson. There’s a plot afoot in the FBI to assassinate Donnie! Social media sez so! Uh, yeah. Pix or it didn’t happen, Kevvy.

14. Jim Fucking Bakker. No, Jimmeh’s not dead yet. Yes, he’s still on about Donnie being God’s supposedly chosen one. I wonder: when did God go bonkers? And since when has She been down with gerrymandering and blatant theft?

15. Adam Fucking Doucet. It’s been the Year of the Unhinged White Man, so here is one very unhinged white dude…who thought it a good idea to break into a black neighbor’s house and threaten to lynch him. PLOT TWIST: He’s not a Florida Man…he’s an Upstate New York Man! Because hey, why should the Crystal Meth Lab of the Deep South have all the fun?

16. Murat Fucking Bayaral. Meanwhile, in Turkey, we have the dumbest argument ever for men growing beards: Because a clean-shaven face apparently turns OTHER men gay by confusing them into thinking a man is a woman! Uh, NO. That’s not how this works. That’s not how anything works.

17. Wyatt Fucking Ingraham Fucking Koch. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how ridiculous this dude is. Not only is he a billionaire heir of the Kochtopus, he’s living proof that money can’t buy brains…OR taste.

18. Paul Fucking Ryan. He says he’s focused on “fixing Congress”? From where I sit, I can see that he’s done the opposite. It’s about as fucked up as it could ever be, short of being stacked wall-to-wall with handpicked cronies of Donnie Fucking Drumpf’s. This piece of shit is a bad joke, and sadly, women who’ve been sexually harassed and assaulted are the punchline.

19. Wes Fucking Goodman. Hey, bubba, nobody cares if you’re actually gay. No, we care that (a) you cheated on your wife while publicly promoting “natural marriage”, whatever the hell that is; (b) you did it with barely-legal dudes, some of whom didn’t actually consent to your touching, and (c) you also publicly championed vile fascist Freeze Peach on campus. And if you think that your hypocrisies won’t come back to bite you where it hurts, I have just four words for you: CHOMP FUCKING CHOMP, ASSHOLE.

20. Nikki Fucking Haley. Stomp and pout all you like, missy, but neither you nor your boss-man, Donnie Dollhands, are going to sway global opinion behind Apartheid Israel. The rest of the world has put both of you, and the US as well, on its shit-list first. So THERE.

21. W. Fucking Mitchell Nance. Merry Xmas, yeronner, you’re out of a job. Turns out that even in Kenfuckingtucky, being homophobic is no longer a safe meal ticket for a family court judge.

22. Steve Fucking Bannon. What a difference a year makes! Last year about this time, he was strutting and crowing about how his boy Donnie is gonna MAGA the fuck out of the world. Now, with everything crumbling and in tatters around him, and getting worse by the day for the rest of the world, he’s not only disavowing the Mafia Don, he’s actually planning a presidential run of his own. Which, given the track record of those he backed, should pan out just fucking boffo. PS: Hope you enjoy this coal you just got in your stocking, Ginblossoms. Merry Xmas from Robert Mueller! Ha, ha.

23. Sean Fucking Hannity. He wants NBC to take journalism lessons from itself? Looks like the Baby Jesus has fallen out of his manger for good, folks.

24. Mike Fucking Pence. He’s truly redefining what it means to be a vice-president of the US of Amnesia, is he not? What a pity that the definition has changed from “second in command” to “Fluffer in Chief”.

25. Steve Fucking Ecklund. Who the hell eats stir-fried cougar meat? This fucking barbarian, that’s who. And, really: When you even manage to get the normally quiet Laureen Harper to make salty remarks on Twitter about your penis size (!!!), you KNOW you’re overcompensating for one helluva lack in the sack.

26. Trey Fucking Gowdy. I’m sorry, Draco, were you saying something about Benghazi? I can’t hear you over the clank of the shackles that the FBI is making ready for you!

27. Mika Fucking Brzezinski. Why the hell should Mark Fucking Halperin’s harassment victims want to meet with him again, and who the hell cares if he’s “willing”? As I recall, it was them meeting with him and finding him “willing” that was the problem in the first place!

28. Pete Fucking Hoekstra. Welp, looks like the Netherlands are a no-go zone, all right. But only for Donnie’s bigoted ambassador, who is well on his way to being persona non grata!

29. E. Scott Fucking Lloyd. What’s the E stand for? Extremely Eediotic. Because what else could it be when you think an abortion for an underage refugee rape victim would only cause her to “experience an additional trauma”…as if giving birth to a criminal’s child that she never asked for would NOT?

30. John Fucking Kasich. And speaking of abortion and eejits, how about him? Exploiting disabled people to curtail women’s rights is not only downright cynical, it’s also illegal and unconstitutional. And it’s good for a whole stocking full of coal.

And finally, to all of Donnie’s fluffers, hanger-ons, dingleberries and butt-nuggets out there. If you think you’re gonna get anywhere with your sycophancy, chillax…you won’t. He’s just out for himself, and he doesn’t care about you. Sorry, NOT sorry to be the bearer of bad news…because if you’re dumb enough to still get behind him, you deserve the misery that’s coming for you, straight from the lords of Karma.

Good night, and get fucked!