News of the Restless

Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy one to Crooked Donnie, who’s looking more hunted by the minute. And he is, but not for witchcraft. No, it’s obstruction of justice they’re on him for, and that’s probably what will do his presiduncy in, when it finally comes down to it. And here’s who else is on my keeker this week, in no particular order:

1. Michael Fucking Williams. How stupid are Georgia state senators of the Repug persuasion? Stupid enough to think that white-supremacist anti-government “militia” goons are “patriots”. Um, dude? They’re against you, too. You’re the fucking GOVERNMENT!

2. Marilyn Fucking Gladu. I don’t know how to smoke pot with a toaster oven, but I bet she does. And I bet her oven’s gas-powered, too!

3. Andrew Fucking Snelling. Good feckin’ lard. Where did this guy get his geology doctorate, a diploma mill? No, wait, lemme guess…Liberty “University”, right?

4. Tommy Fucking Robinson. Riddle me this: How can you hold a “march against hate”…and end up doing all kinds of hateful shit yourself? Oh yeah, I forgot…it’s the EDL. Shit’s not supposed to be morally consistent. The only “hate” they can see is what they project on others.

5. Ivanka Fucking Drumpf. Awww, da widdle pwincess haz a sad. Sorry, honey, I’m all out of crocodile tears after seeing how vicious your entire fucking clan is. Especially that greedheaded prep school boy you married.

6. Mike Fucking Pence. And speaking of vicious: Dude, dafuq are you expecting? You really want Democrats to trash all the work they’ve done trying to make healthcare more affordable? Oh yeah, I forgot: You’re Dear Leader’s dumb henchman, so of course you do! PS: Ha, ha.

7. Megyn Fucking Kelly. Congrats, girl, you just found out what “no platform” means. A pity you couldn’t learn it BEFORE booking one of the biggest tinfoil-hatted hatemongers in the country!

8. Louie Fucking Gohmert. If justice is your idea of a “conspiracy”, you just might be a criminal. You might also be incredibly fucking stupid. In short, you might just be Gomer.

9. Dana Fucking Rohrabacher. If a terrorist attack in Tehran is your idea of a “good thing”, you just might be a criminal. You might also be a moral monster. In short, you might just be Taliban Dan, the mujahideen’s man in Washington.

10. Jeff Fucking Sessions. Amazing how he can suddenly forget everything, including his own name, right on cue. What do you suppose he’s hiding?

11. Newt Fucking Gingrich. Amazing how he’ll do just about anything to jockey for a job/try to stay relevant. Newty, you’ve been irrelevant for nearly 20 years now. Siddown and shuddup.

12. Matt Fucking Forney. Amazing how there is literally no depth to which he cannot shamelessly sink. And this week, it was slamming the victims of the Pulse massacre of one year ago…allegedly, for doing the very things that Matty, in his pickup artist days, would actually peddle as advice — shamelessly cribbing from other (unsuccessful) pickup artists to make money for himself. Of course, it’s different when snowflakey straight guys who hate women do it!

13. Marc Fucking Kasowitz. If I were you, bub, I wouldn’t go around bragging about getting Preet Bharara fired. He’s ten times the lawyer that you are, and he could sue your ass right out from under you, even if he’s not currently in a position to prosecute it out from under you.

14. Donald Fucking Drumpf, Jr. Yes, that’s right. Diaper Don made the cut again this week…by wanking over a massacre that wasn’t. And politicizing it when he swore he’d stay out of politics. And railing against the New York elites, conveniently forgetting his own home address and socioeconomic status. Dude, you owe me a new irony meter.

15. Chris Fucking Collins. Aaand look who joined Diaper Don’s widdle circle jerk. “Tone down the rhetoric”, he says? Start with your own side, dude, that’s where the “alt”-right came from! In fact, start with your boss…he’s the one who told his supporters to beat up protesters.

16. Rand Fucking Paul. Oopsie! Is someone haunted by the shit he said? Buckle up, buttercup, you said a lot of dumb things…and all of them are gonna come back to bite you!

17. Rick Fucking Brattin. Sorry, dude, but gay people ARE human. What you said about them, however, is quite another story.

18. Dave Fucking Daubenmire. Lynching threats get an “amen” from this radio huckster? How about a sudden, precipitous loss of sponsors…can I get an amen to that?

19. Steve Fucking Scalise. Riddle me this: How does a Repug who professes to abhor white supremacism…find himself speaking at a white-supremacist event hosted by, of all people, David Fucking Duke? I don’t know how to square that circle, but I do know one thing: I’m not sorry he was shot anymore. PS: RESIGN. Or at least thank the queer black woman who saved your sorry, racist, homophobic ass.

20. Steve Fucking King. He’s been so busy blaming Obama for everything from hangnails to constipation for the last eight years. Hey, why stop now? Why not blame him for he had absolutely nothing to do with, simply because he’s black, and as we all know, black people are always to blame for everything?

21. Gene Fucking Simmons. He wants to trademark WHAT? Dude, every Italian in the world is casting a finger-hex on you as we speak. And BTW, I’m trademarking the middle-finger salute so you can’t have it!

22. Michael Fucking Weiner. Irrelevant angry codger says WHAT? Dude, be careful what you wish for. Breitbart is already as good as moved into the White House, and FUX Snooze, like you, has been in the pocket of Repug politicians for as long as they’ve been on air.

23. Patrick Fucking Neville. Profiteering off a mass shooting? That is oh, SO very Repugnican. PS: I hope you fucking LOSE, you bastard.

24. Mike Fucking Moon. Beheading a chicken on Facebook is “pro-life”? Oh yeah. What else can we expect from a gross fucking idiot who thinks abortion is somehow equivalent to slavery?

25. Kellyanne Fucking Conway. Oh my, aren’t WE important all of a sudden? Don’t worry, dear, most of the Internet barely knows who you are. And fewer would care than you think.

26. Rex Fucking Tillerson. Uh oh, SOMEBODY doesn’t remember what happened the last time the US attempted régime change in Iran. Or the blowback that has been blowing back ever the fuck since.

27. Richard Fucking Spencer. When even the official religion of white supremacy finally, belatedly decides to come to Jesus, Dickie of course tries to point to a doctrine that didn’t come from Jesus, but from the most misguided apostle after Judas Iscariot. Perhaps more punches are in order until he, too, sees the light?

28. Michael Fucking Cohen. How crooked is Donnie Drumpf? So crooked that his own lawyer…had to hire a lawyer. You can’t make this shit up, folks.

29. Nick Fucking Hurd. And speaking of crooked, get a load what’s going on across the pond. The same Tory government that voted against fire code regulations to make cheap housing fit for human habitation…is full of slumlords. And one of them is this asshole, who is actually the minister responsible for fire safety. Off with his fucking head!

30. Theresa Fucking May. True, the British PM is a HUGE wanker at the best of times, and probably even in her sleep. But this week, she really outdid herself…by not doing something that any decent head of government SHOULD do. Namely, visiting with the survivors of the Grenfell Tower fire. No doubt because they’d have blasted her with all sorts of questions she didn’t want to answer, and all sorts of demands that she definitely doesn’t want to take responsibility for…especially not since hers is a government of cheap, nasty slumlords, as noted above.

And finally, to Ezra Fucking Levant. He and his “Rebel Media” are throwing a little shindig tomorrow night, and it promises to be a real shitshow. And I think he knows it, too, because he didn’t want to let any actual, honest media in to cover all the flying antisemitism, racism, sexism and general xenophobic hatemongering. Well, the joke’s on him, because the same campaign that’s fighting Breitbart so successfully south of the border…is coming north of the border, and it’s only a matter of time before neither of these hate-sites can find any more advertisers willing to be seen there. Ha, ha!

Good night, and get fucked!

Crappy weekend, everyone! And how about them Comey hearings? If this doesn’t put the nails in Donnie’s coffin, I don’t know what will. And look who else is getting nailed this week…in no particular order:

1. Phil Fucking Stair. No, fuckass, the problem in Flint isn’t n-words refusing to pay their water bills — it’s a city with the gall to charge impoverished people for polluted water from old lead pipes, which is toxic enough to eventually kill them. And it’s also the racism of local idiots in charge…like YOU. PS: Aaaand BYE. Don’t let the sun set on your head in Flint, asshole.

2. Faith Fucking Goldy. Meanwhile, north of the 49th Parallel, Teh Stoopid was also flowing thick and fast out of the toxic pipes of The Rebel so-called “media”. But hey! Isn’t it nice to know that Andrew Fucking Scheer — alias “Harpo with dimples” — has a cheering section, however small and pitiful it may be? He’s unlikely to ever make the PMO, but it’s nice to know he has friends in low places!

3. Katie Fucking McHugh. Why?

That’s why. Tweet stupid shit on “religious” terrorism, get smartly schooled by someone from a land (which is officially still in the UK) riven by it. In 140 characters or less, even! PS: Oh dear. How the not-so-mighty have fallen! Ha, ha.

4. Clay Fucking Higgins. Deadbeat dad, fired cop, and adulterer says what? “Kill all the Muslims and let God sort ‘em out”, basically. And you want everybody to unite behind your call for extrajudicial killing and state-sponsored terrorism? Dude, you’re the shittiest so-called Christian since Adolf Fucking Hitler. Sit down and shut the fuck UP! Or better still, RESIGN.

5. Jeffrey Fucking Lord. Whoa there, dude. Don’t trip over yourself in your haste to bend over backwards defending Dear Leader and his dumb tweets, now!

6. Scott Fucking Pruitt. Just how dead IS Big Coal? So dead that Drumpf’s chief of environmental wreckage had to claim coal jobs were up by the total number of already existing ones. Oops!

7. The Fucking Conways. Yes, Kellyanne and her husband George, both. Because these two haven’t just gone wanky, they’ve gone wanky together. They’re like a circle jerk of two. No, guys, please do NOT upload your video to the Internets. We’ve already seen quite enough of you both.

8. Robert Fucking Coury. And moving from crapaganda to crapitalism, we have THIS GUY. Who thinks nothing of telling people with deadly allergies to go fuck themselves and pay un-fucking-REAL prices for his shit. Even kids. And worse, he’s claiming that it’s a substitute for watching your allergens. Nope, nope, fuckity-fucking NOPE. Someone can go fuck himself here, and it’s NOT the poor overcharged consumer!

9. The Fucking Brothers Drumpf. Yes, both of them. Diaper Don and Eric the Brain-Dead. Because who else would defend their dad’s indefensible shit like these two? Ugh.

10. Jim Fucking Bakker. So, if Drumpf is impeached, there’s gonna be a “civil war”, eh? Well, BRING it. I know who the losing side are going to be…all over again.

11. Ann Fucking Coulter. Looks like the Coultergeist is about to gnaw through the bottom of her barrel of inanities here. Didn’t she use to hate France because they weren’t mach enough when they were advising Dubya against the War on Terra? Why yes, she did! And she was none too keen on the democratizing forces of the French Revolution, either! My, how things have changed! And they probably will again, for Awful Annie is just a weathervane that turns whichever way the winds of hate are currently blowing, so as not to become totally irrelevant.

12. Janice Fucking Atkinson. How’s that saying go, again? Scratch a conservative, find a Nazi? Certainly true in her case, since she’s awfully chummy with Marine Le Fucking Pen!

13. Lucy Fucking Richards. Oh, Florida Woman. You really should know better than to issue death threats to someone who has lost a very real, non-hoax child to gun violence. Especially since your own state is one of the most prone to that same problem. Or, to put it another way: LOOK BEHIND YOU, IT’S JUSTICE!

14. Greg Fucking Gianforte. Congratulations on your recent election — and gee, what a shame that you’re now on the hook for $50,000 to the CPJ. I hope they also go after you to make you pay the medical and legal expenses of that reporter you assaulted and then lied about. Ha, ha.

15. David Fucking Whitney. Never mind that Ariana Grande was clearly traumatized and devastated to learn that some of her fans were victims of a terrorist attack in Manchester. No, let’s just beat up on her some more and make out like she deserved it because she has a gay brother (whom she hasn’t shunned!) and is one of those spiritual-rather-than-religious types. Oh, and nice antisemitic smear, too. Shame: it’s ON you, dude.

16. Karen Fucking Handel. Well, let’s at least give this fucking idiotess credit for one thing: she’s honest about not wanting peons to make enough money to live on. Which is refreshingly uncharacteristic of a teabagging Repug. And which, if everything goes as it should, will cost her an election and make her a permanent pariah in a state where so many are already hovering around the poverty line.

17. Jesse Fucking Garrett. Once more, with feeling: If your religion keeps you from doing your job, your whole job, and nothing but your job, you need either a new religion — or a new job!

18. William Fucking Boucher. Congratulations, smirky hipster in the cheap suit. You’re the next contestant on The Racist is WRONG!

19. Andrew Fucking Anglin. Being of mixed races makes one a violent abuser and potential killer? Uh, no, it doesn’t. Just ask any of your oh-so-pure Aryan brethren if you don’t believe me. Hell, for that matter, just look at yourself. You guys are fucking GENOCIDAL.

20. Kevin Fucking Johnston. And while we’re on the subject of genocidal dudes heavily into stochastic terrorism, how about this one? He’s a failed PUA instructor who’ll do anything for attention. Including tweet out his location to the Antifa, who so could not be bothered with his ass that he had to pick on a woman (brave move, jackass) to get them arrested. One of these days, when the Ottawa Police stop hiring stupid, that oh-so-clever gambit is gonna backfire on the self-styled TalkMaster, BIGLY. And it can’t come a day too soon, either.

21. Georgina Fucking Cassidy. Well hello there, racist islamophobic twatwaffle. We see you! Pity they don’t serve BLTs with garlic cheese in jail, eh? Ha, ha.

22. Wayne Fucking Allyn Fucking Root. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how stupid you’d have to be to believe a right-wing blowhard who likes Donnie Drumpf is better company than cats. Cats are beautiful, intelligent, elegant and sweet. ‘Wingers are literally NONE of the above. Oh yeah, and cats are also not obsessed with their own genitalia. ‘Wingers? Try to get their minds out of their pants. It can’t be done.

23. Donna Fucking Kikkert. And speaking of ‘wingers with minds in pants, how about her? She’s so homophobic and hateful that she thinks she can demand an A for it and try to force a change of curricula to her liking…in court. Yeah, that’ll work. What a fucking snowflake!

24. Bill Fucking Whatcott. As Pride approaches, so do fake condoms with hateful “gospel” messages inside them. And we all know who’s behind them…THIS GUY. Who is probably deep in the closet himself. And at the rate he’s going, he’s never going to get what he so desperately wants, because he’s too busy alienating the one group of people who could help him out. Sad!

25. Steve Fucking Bannon. Dude, remember how you threatened the media? Those sure were awfully big, brave words…for someone who’s now lost over 2,200 sponsors and whose fake-news outlet is teetering on the brink of going belly-up. But hey! Bring it if you think you still got it, bitch. I just bought stock in Orville Redenbacher popcorn.

26. Tzipi Fucking Hotovely. You want the UN to stop using the word occupation for what you’re doing to Palestine? All right. But in exchange, you’re going to have to stop, you know, OCCUPYING PALESTINE.

27. Martha Fucking McSally. Oh noes, you have an R after your name! And to think that all this time, you’ve been associated with the party of the worst moral values shy of actual fascism and yet, you only recently became ashamed of it. You poor widdle snowflake!

28. Paul Fucking Ryan. How ironic is it that Eddie Munster’s evil twin is defending a so-called president who is crookeder than Warren Harding, Tricky Dick, and the Reagan/Bush triumvirate combined? Uh, actually…not so ironic at all, because he’s such a fucking piece of shit himself. But hey! Bonus points for style there, Paulie. The “he’s new at this, so go easy on him” schtick is so laughable, it hurts. The man is 70 years old and has a lifetime’s worth of “business” experience at ripping people off, bamboozling the public, and doing end runs around the law. He’s not new at ANY of what he’s accused of, and nobody who still cares about public service and has even a shred of credibility OR competence should go easy on him for it!

29. Chris Fucking Christie. He’s still around? And he’s still doing faceplants for Donnie? Dude, stop. Have some fucking dignity, just once in your life! Hell, have some integrity. At least, for you, it will have some novelty value!

30. Betsy Fucking DeVos. No, dear, of course the Department of Education doesn’t have to look out for the rights of LGBT+ students. Especially not since it’s so damn busy cutting public school funding to nil!

And finally, to Theresa Fucking May. Congratulations on your electoral “victory”, you horrid, milk-snatching bat. You thought you’d romp to an easy majority by calling a snap election, but then Jeremy Corbyn came thisclose to eating your lunch. How was that for a close shave? Don’t worry, you’ll feel the burn (or should that be Bern?) as soon as it sinks in that you’ve made common cause with a party associated with far-right terrorism…and a prudish git who raised a stink over Rihanna’s topless boobs, as well as trying to push young-Earth creationism onto the old-Earth natural wonder that is the Giant’s Causeway.

Good night, and get fucked!